Candace

Found this excellent article regarding grief. http://www.upworthy.com/8-simple-words-to-say-when-when-someone-you-love-is-grieving?c=ufb5

Jen, Remember this is the place where you never have to apologiize. We get it. We always will. HUGS

Torn, I could use a magic wand as well, and it will be 4 years in January. I am trying to quit smoking as well and was doing well with the electronic cigarettes until the holiday season, I lost my father last summer and it has somehow brought back the incredible loss of losing my husband. I chose to skip the holiday season completely; I was invited by several people, but I really didnt want to even recognize Christmas. I have managed so far by electing to remove myself from all aspects of the holiday season. Family and friends reacted to that decision with anger and similar renditions of "You should be past this by now". The only one who has accepted my decision is my younger brother who I am so close to. His wife lost her mother this year, so they both are experiencing the 'empty chair'. My brother and SIL sent me a Keurig when I mentioned I sometimes hade to resort to instant coffee. My brother recently received a huge promotion and I sent an Edible Arrangements with the message "Fruit and chocolate; what better way to celebrate Dad. And also a gift for you not only on this incredible promotion but for always being there and accepting who I was regardless of where I was at the time" I think Amor is spot on, My husbands daughter was the same way; but despite every attempt I made to develop a relationship with her, I was met with hostility. I never once tried to act as a replacement for her mother; I thought that having lost my mother at a young age, we would connect. Do whats best for you. I was underweight when I lost DH, and lost even more aftr his death. In retrospect, I think the two most important factors are simply getting enough sleep and forcing yourself to eat something, even when you have no appetite. The sleep part was easy for me, the eating was not. Even cooking scrambled eggs seemed beyond my ability. I would recommend Ensure, or protein drinks that provide the necessary calories without the need to cook. HUGS, Hoping you find peace and the strength to move forward. Candace

I love the logical flow chart presentation; I think it would be extremely helpful in those situations where you feel totally overwhelmed and unable to accomplish a simple task. Thanks for sharing.

Thank you everyone; hugs RobI cant begin to tell you how grateful I am for your friendship, understanding and support. Mikeeh, I sent you a pm.

People dont understand that we are not only grieving for our spouse. We are grieving for that special entity that was "us", for the one person you could show your inner fears and KNOW they would always love you anyway. We grieve for a future we had envisioned but will never have the chance to experience. I have never felt so alone in my life as I do now. Except for here, I have learned to never speak of DH, its as if he never existed; no one remembers his birthday, our anniversary (would have been 15 years this past December 2nd) or even the day he died, And if I am honest, I am very angry and hurt that his name is never mentioned. On the old board, there was a thread in the general section called "SAY HIS/HER NAME!!!!" It struck a chord with everyone and went on page after page for a very long time. At least here, we speak the same language and never have to remain silent.

Yes, yes, YES! Feel this way, too. Also in a chapter two relationship and outwardly it appears I have "progressed". The truth is I still carry a huge hole in my heart. An infinite sadness that the teeny, tiny bandaid of being in a new relationship doesn't fix. I have moments of smiles, laughter but never peace, never true "happy". That died with him. I still think of him every minute of the day. I'm a shell of my old self and I don't care for this version very much. I just miss him so much and it's truly exhausting. Mental jail is how I like to call it... nothing really ever takes it away. (((Hugs to all))) I tried dating, until I realized I was looking for another version of DH. Lately, I've been wandering back to the "BEFORE" time how invincible and happy; never realizing that life can turn upside down in a matter of seconds. I have the same fear of loving someone that deeply again and having to go thru this again. And the truth is I dont have much to give; he took the best parts of me with him and now its basically just going thru the motions. No plans. No desire, still dealing with foggy widowbrain and unable to finish a book, listen to music. The walking dead. There used to be hope; but after almost 4 years, its gone.

So did I. I understand now. Why is missing someone and feeling the pain of their absense referred to as "feeling sorry for yourself?" Thanks for the welcome. See some old faces, and unfortunately far too many new members.

I've been reading through the different topics and realize I never should have left;but I really believed I had passed a crucial point in recovery. In January of this year, the third year anniversary, I thought I was doing wonderfully. I didnt have a meltdown on the anniversary date, I had found a full time job, and was actually dating someone. I decided to do a 180, get out of accounting and am now a direct care asst to 7 mentally disabled menn in a group home. I love my guys, and enjoy interacting with them. 2 are non verbal, downs syndrom and low functioning; all have additional psychological issues such as OCD, pica, depression, etc. My coworkers are all young, keep their headphones on during their shifts, or sleep, There is another woman my age and we both are very attached to the residents. Except for the other older woman, my coworkers are not just unfriendly but actually dislike me; I dont know if its because I'm older, or white, or if it is a common attitude with that age group. I lost my dad this past summer; his birthdy is Christmas Day and the holidays were always a special time spent with him. It has reawakened the profound grief of losing DH and it feels like its day one again. I decided to skip the holidays this year, (I did that the first holiday season after DH passed. I sent an email to my 3 siblings wishing them a wonderful holiday season but I was skipping the holidays . My sister wrote back that she was hurt and angry with my decision and ranted on about how everyone missed Dad, but we are family. None of them have lost a spouse. I used to be very close with them, but to be honest, I really dont want to talk to them; if I tell them what I feel, especially about DH, they are judgmental and annoyed that I havent "moved on". Thanks for listening,

Thank you everyone for your support. My siblings arent mean spirited, and genuinely do believe by either he Hospice booklet or what theyhave heard. It was torrential rain this morning and cold, I grabbed Arnies Old Navy jacket and was at the house by 11. My dads wife made ANOTHER remark about wearing Arnies sweater in public; I told her it was a comfort to me, and I was told I was hanging on to the past and that it looked horrible on me as well as the thinnes and I should care more about my appearance. I hugged and kissed my dad and said "I love you Dad" and left. I wait for those precious few moments when I am alone with him and hold his hand and talk (whisper) how thankful I am to have him as a father, and I will always miss him. The last time he was lucid I asked him to give my mom a giant hug and kiss and to tell Arnie I miss him everyday, but I have moved forward. It just angers me no end that I have been thru this 3 times and they all are so freaking judgmental. And the litany of course how I need to get out more; sometimes I am literally stunned by their DGI remarks.I know there are only a few days at most for my Dad. When he is gone, I am going to fulfill my lifelong passion working with abused, neglected, etc animals. There are quite a few sanctuaries there is one in Woodstock New York that is animale sanctuary for all animals, cats, dogs, horses, goats. I would work for free for a simple roof over my head. I think a line was crossed with my sibs and I dont think I'll ever be able to got back to the same level of sibling intimacy we had before where we told each other everything. I will never let them into those secret dark places where you are so vulnerable. I was blindsided at a vulnerable point and I will never reveal my fears or emotions again. Time to put on my big girl panties and strike out on my own. I will always deeply love them, but never be able to trust them to that same level before. I dont trust them to hear their assessment of my life and pass judgment over something none has ever experienced. I really do want to know if others past the 3 year mark still wear a sweater or other article of clothing that belonged to their spouse. and still find comfort in doing so. Thanks for understanding and being there and listening. candace

Dad has been off dialysis and hospice for 12 days. We have a hospital bed in the family room where he can look out at his gardens. Brothers left on Tuesday. I have offered twice to stay in the single next to the bed at nighttime, but my sister insists that she be there. When I sit with Dad, I am chastized for talking to him, holding his hand, stroking his arm. I am "impeding" his transition to the other side. That I have to let him go. With Arnie, I actually crawled inside the hospital bed, stroked his hair and held him close, talking to him all the time; telling him it was okay to let go, his body was tired, and how much his younger brother,(died in Nam in 1970) was looking forward to being with him again. No matter what I do, its always something wrong. On Monday the 3 had an 'intervention" and ganged up on me about my weight. I feel so betrayed by them, and I feel my heart is breaking not being able to hold my Dads hand or talk to him. I dont engage in small talk with my sister and his wife because I am on the brink of tears and the reality of what is going to happen soon has reopened the pain and memories of losing Arnie. Am I wrong for wanting to be near and talk to him and feel his hand? I'm going over today but not staying long. I dont want to see him take his last breath. The for of us have always been close, ever since childhood. Now, that bond has been damaged. Has anyone else experienced a change in their relationships with family?''/

My first stabs at dating were with widowers; we were pretty much on the same time line. I was 2 1/2 years out but I think we both realized we really werent ready. I dated a divorced guy with two adult children in different states, and it was good; I loved the cuddling and human touch; but I realized I was really looking for another Arnie who knew all my quirks and weirdness. When I lost my BFF Tom, I stopped dating because his loss made me realize how terrified I still was to get involved, to become an intimate couple in body and spirit, and I didnt think (and still dont know) if I can risk that again. Do I even have the capacity to trust that deeply? Its now been 3 1/2 years and I realized I have gotten used to living alone (well, with four cats and dogs). I miss the human touch, I miss the cheerleader and comforter, I miss being held. But I do feel like damaged goods. I know a fellow wid would understand the triggers that reopen the wounds, but I dont know if those who are single or divorced will be able to realize that you never stop loving a lost loved one.

Thank you all for your understanding; The chemo and dialysis werent working and he has been home (with hospice) for the last 10 days. brothers and sister are in. They all moved out of state after college; I lived with him thru my mothers cancer and returned almost 4 years ago because I know how much he missed having at least one child near by. They told me I could hold his hand but to stop caressing his arm and whispering to him because I was holding up his transition to the other side. I was with him when he became awake briefly and was fully cognizant. I know how hard Arnie wanted to wake up but they kept giving him a sedative and I was furious when my sister wanted to give him valium. He was very warm but they wouldnt put o a fan because what the hell did I know? I knew his wife would have a sweater on and he would be down to a t shirt and he disliked the heat. Today hospice suggested a fan. They keep telling me to step up to the plate but my sister (in a single bed next to his) was irritated when I spend the night curled up in a chair next to him. I came home last night; he was still lucid and I hugged him, told him to give Mom a big kiss and hug for me and to tell Arnie I miss him everyday. I'm tired of the daily tirades abvout my weight loss. I finally snapped and told them when they had a PhD and an MD after their names I MIGHT listen. Until then, I listen to my GP and discuss all the annual blood tests, scans, MRI etc. My dad told my brothers to watch over my finances. Even tho I graduated with a 3.9 gpa, I am apparently totally incompetent to make decisions on my own. I thought having them here would help, but I feel ostrasized from the circle the three of them share, and that hurts even more. I know what the next phone call will be. I need my husband to be here to help me thru this, but he's not. Like everyone here, I have had some very dark times and all that kept me here was the decision I would never put my father thru the loss of a child. My house is a mess, the yard looks like the amazon forest and I honestly dont give a damn. I've gone numb again and planning for the future seems futile. I prefer the numbness of both my heart and mind, its almost like being awake in just a hazy sort of way. I try and look ahead and all I see are visions of the things to be, and more loss and pain.I had really believed that one day I would find joy and hope again. In January, I had even started to tentatively date again. Is it better to have loved and lost than never to have loved at all? For me, yes. I just dont want to go thru this over and over again.

I believed that if I survived the loss of my husband, I had survived the worst thing (outside of losing a child) that the future might throw at me. I passed the 3 year mark in January and was flying high. I didnt have a meltdown,I was starting a new job and had begun dipping my toes in the water of dating. In February I lost a very dear friend fo over 30 years after a long fight with cancer. I stopped dating. My dad was diagnosed with multiple myeloma (bone cancer) that is attacking his kidneys. He is on chemo once a week and dialysis 3 times a week. He is elderly, and I am grateful for the years he has been here for my siblings and I. But I know he doesnt have long, and the pain watching this vibrant hero losing ground and becoming more exhausted and so helpless with cancer has reawakened the memories of losing DH. I didnt think it was possible to feel so broken again, but I do. And I am back to the beginning. The shock, the disbelief, that endless pain. I have become paralized again. Back to sleeping as long as I can, hating to wake up. At his age, the dialysis and chemo are grueling and he is so tired of fighting. And I see the same symptoms I saw in DH and my mother at the end; when the kidneys shut down and their legs and torso look like elephantitus. And that same helpless feeling. Unable to focus, or eat, and barely able to remember to feed the cats and dogs. His oncologist said the decision was solely up to him; that eventually the treatment would take its toll and he would have to decide when it was time to let go; to spend his last days in his home with family. I always promised that I would keep fighting because I could never put him thru the death of his child. I'm so tired of fighting this; that stabbing heartache over and over again. I dont know if I will make it this time. Each time I think about entering the house I grew up in and him not being there sends me spiraling into the same darkness. I am more than 30 lbs underweight now, and feel like I am in the same nitemare over and over again. I've lost the ability to feel joy; all I see are the pains that lay ahead. More loss. And sometimes I think that I will only find peace when I too cross over and see all those loved one I could never stop missing. I've been on meds for depression for over 10 years. All I can think now is how much I need Arnie now; to help me thru this; to hold me close and tell me it will be okay. But he 's not. And I cant do this alone again.

I am finding myself in a very similar situation; my elderly father probably doesnt have much time left; and I get angry at Arnie for dying and having to go thru this alone, just like my dad and I did 30 years ago with my mom. My sibs are all out of state, ,marriages spanning decades, children, and now grandchildren. They dont get it. I get angry with Arnie when I have to face this inevitability alone an then feel guilty for being angry. I bite my tongue around my brothers and sister and their spouses when they say they know how it feels. And really angry when they suggest the anxety and depression can be healed with a warm bath, or walk around the block. Even tho I dont post as much, I still need this sanctuary even after 3 1/2 years. It is still only here where I can share my small baby steps forward, and only here where everyone understands the despair after losing a spouse. In an email, my sister said she wants 'the old candace back' which to me is like looking at a piece of cake and saying you want the original egg back. We went thru a life changing event and going back to who you were before widowhood is an option that no longer exists.