JeanGenie

Yup, I so miss my old life as well and how happy I was.  Unfortunately, that general sadness is always present, sometimes lurking under the surface.  I worry that I'll never be truly happy again.  But then again, I was so naive "before".

Donswife and others, congrats on tackling these new challenges that none of us ever wanted. We've all had to unfortunately learn new things and we have succeeded (with only a few minor injuries and tears), so pat yourselves on the back. I can't imagine what wids did years ago when they didn't have access to google and youtube. I know they had encyclopedias and "handyman" books, but some of the stupid things I've had to google due to wid-brain, I'd never admit!

Today my sister thanked me for offering to pitch in (me driving over 6 hours in one day day for a half hour medical appointment) because she was feeling so torn about her families "need" to have her at the lake house and my mom's needs.  When I said that no one knows better than me what it feels like to be torn she told me I shouldn't let son #2 make me feel guilty about missing his birthday and college orientation or son #3 about being the only kid on the team with no parent at his game (all the other kids have 2 parents and several have grandparents coming).

Trying, I'm sorry you're dealing with this and it sucks.  This part from your sister just made me gasp...saying your sons shouldn't make you feel guilty, yet here she is doing it.  She clearly doesn't have perspective and I find it difficult to have empathy for her because she doesn't have time to enjoy being at the lake.

That said, I hear you. I've had to deal with parental health issues and being let down by siblings who just don't get how life is much more difficult for us without our support system. You're giving your sister a lot more credit than I think she deserves. For all the reasons you stated, she should take on more and you should not feel guilty about that. I get it, it took a lot for me to realize it was okay that things were not equal. It is okay to be a bit selfish and put your sons first. I hope you can work it out and can make your son's orientation. Figure out your priorities and then let each person know that, although you're trying to be super woman, you can't do it all and then let them know what you need from each of them.  I know, easier said than done...  I wish you luck!

I went to a wedding 6 months after my husband died and again just last month (at 3 yrs, 3 months).  Time did not make it any better. I mean, I am happy for the couple that they found each other because I had that and why would I not want that for anyone else. But during the vows the words "til death do us part" or "as long as we both shall live" hung in the air for me. Those were just words on my wedding day, words glossed over while expressing our deep love for each other.  How deep those words cut now...

Sending you tight {{hugs}}

Today I'm fragile. One good bump and I'll shatter, and I have no real idea why. It's just 27 months.

Hugs to you both. No great words of advise other than to acknowledge that you're not alone. These particular days, when we're suddenly feeling so fragile, just seem to happen, without warning, without any real reason why. Maybe it's because we prepare ourselves for the significant milestones, but then these random days, something triggers the memories and the pain. All you can do is ride the wave and know that this too will pass.

There are so many that I could list but last night I happened upon a Scotty McCreery video of him singing Garth Brook's "The Dance". I never really listened to the words before but last night I did and that did it, heavy tears.

And there it is again, the grief monster when I least expect it.  I've been busy today working on projects around the house. Projects that "before" I would never be doing, because they were "his".

Sanding the hatchway to prep it for repainting.  Easily cleaning up the nest in the bulkhead that some mice left during the winter and not even being freaked out by it. And then repairing the hose that was leaking by putting a new end on it. I was so proud when I reattached the hose and there were no leaks!

So I decided to next water the flower baskets that hung on the front of the house. And as I rehung the baskets, that is when grief decided to hit me upside the head.  He always did the flowers around the house and it was at that moment that I wondered if he can see that I've continued his traditions and some how miraculously have not killed everything. And did he know that I would rise to the challenge of using sanders and fixing hoses and maintain the house? He never said and we never talked about it but somehow I'm figuring this all out.

I'm keeping all the outward signs together.  But then the tears flow and the heart aches because I don't want to keep pretending that I'm keeping it all together. The yard is mowed, the flowers and garden are growing, festive flags and lawn ornaments decorate the house and yard. The appearance of a happy home.

And although I'm proud of the things I'm accomplishing, the tears begin just as quickly as I wish I didn't have to do these things.  And I wish he could tell me that he sees all I'm doing, that he's proud of me, and never had any doubts that I'd figure it all.  And the sadness just comes over me.

But there are more chores to be done, so I need to just suck it up and carry on.  Enough of my little pity party, but thanks for listening.

Donswife, Not petty at all.  It's all those little ways they showed us how much they loved and protected us. We brace ourselves for the big things, but it's these little reminders that hit us unexpectedly the hardest.

Sending you warm hugs,

JG

A Saturday night on a long, holiday weekend and what am I doing?  Cleaning bathrooms including fishing all the crap out of the sink drains. Oh yeah, real sexy!  Good thing we had a Bago Friday night so at least I did something fun this weekend!

Yes, thanks for hosting Rudi! It was good to see you all and to meet your friend Maureen. He fit right in!  Safe travels on your continued journey!

Miss you all already!!

Maureen,

Phew!  So glad to hear he's gone!!  Yes, you will surely sleep much better tonight both because he's gone and you won't be called to go rescue him in the middle of the night! Rest up and we'll definitely celebrate on Friday all that you've survived these past few days!!

Still Lost, I'm sorry you're struggling so and there is no need to apologize for how your feel. As we all know, we feel how we feel and it can change every day or every moment. I unfortunately have no great words of advise. On top of our grief, you having to deal with financial burdens, is not only difficult but also seems unfair. All I can say is just take it one moment and one day at a time. Find that one silver lining or that one little thing that helps create the "good" days and try to make that your priority so that your good days will hopefully begin to outnumber your not-so-good days. Hang in there....you've survived the past 6 years. But try not to think about the next 10 years...that is too daunting for all of us.  One day at a time...

{{Hugs}}

Count me in as well!

Fuck these moods, fuck that no one seems to get how tough all of this is, fuck that I have to plaster a smile on my face and appease everyone all the time...for some reason today, I want to crawl into bed, watch bad tv and stay there for a few days...

Captain's Wife, I hear ya and couldn't agree more! Been feeling the same way...such bipolar moods lately.

I am starting to wish for the companionship I shared with my husband. I'd rather it be with him, but I've had to accept he can't come back. Maybe I'll get lucky and find someone also looking for companionship to fill in the loneliness. While I feel the lack of intimacy more strongly now, the thought of it with anyone other than my husband is still unthinkable to me.

SVS, I'm at 3 years and this is how I feel too. I have removed my rings, more so because I didn't want others to look at me and think I was happily married because I surely wasn't happy.

April, I agree with you too. My husband and I spent the last 30 years together. We grew older together and today I wonder who would possibly want this 50-yr old-body.  Sigh...

Here we are back to another Sexy Widow Saturday night!  My sexy night?  Dancing around my kitchen to Pandora music while cooking dinner at 8 PM! Where did the day go??  I will be settling into the recliner in another hour to watch a new Hallmark movie that's on. I don't know why I watch these--always the same story line and same ending. I guess it's an escape until it ends and it's time to go to bed...alone again...

Yes, thanks for the giggle! 

In my comfy clothes, relaxing after a wonderful Bago day getting ready to watch my traditional Saturday night Hallmark movie.  But I had such a wonderful day of friendship and laughter.  I'm keeping that feeling with me this evening and know I will sleep contently tonight.

AbidingTime, Yup this is a safe place where you don't have to pretend.  No timeline or rules in terms of how or what you're feeling.  I'm glad you found this board.  I met some of my best friends through this board. 

Nog1, thank you for sharing...very poignant.  I'm also at 3 years and I find the feelings at this time so strange. I thought I'd be able to focus on me and begin to look ahead, but instead I find myself just "stuck" and feeling totally exhausted.  Thankfully my son is an adult and on his own because I find it so hard some days (like today) just to function and just wish the world would swallow me up so I can just escape the pure exhaustion of life.  And I only need to worry about myself! So for those of you with kids at home, I give a ton of credit and realize I can't complain!  You have such a positive attitude; I hope to learn from that. Thanks again for taking the time to post!!

Jen, you have nothing to be ashamed of, so cut yourself some slack.  I can so relate to how you're feeling and so much of what you wrote and I'm further out.  I don't say this to totally depress you, but that we get it.  The good news is that these moments of despair are less frequent and I'm learning small ways to find energy and feel good about small things in my life.  This year I am really focusing on "me" and getting back in shape (lose weight, get physical exercise) and this has helped me feel better about myself.  As Donswife suggest, I also try to have something on my calendar to give me something to look forward to...planning a day with a friend just hanging out, a hike, whatever...something to change up the treadmill of our lives.

Be kind to yourself, cut yourself some slack and know that we're here to help support you! {{hugs}}

Wow.... Yeah "thanks Mom"!

Sorry Blue...as others have said, they just don't get it.

I can't tell if she's totally clueless or just cares and doesn't want you to be alone.  Either way, it doesn't matter...not a helpful comment at all.

Bumping this up for anyone who might have missed this.  Just a bit over a week away and looking forward to seeing everyone!

So far I think we've got the following who can attend:

MissingM

RIFF

Donswife

Hachi

DonnaT

Suki1

Mizjsea

Hikermom?

Guaraji, sorry you'll be away.

DonnaP/MrDrew and CaptainsWife, we'll miss you too.

All are welcome! Noon til whenever

DW, I unfortunately have no advise to offer. Just know I'm sending you virtual hugs until I can give you a big hug in a couple weeks.  Keep reaching out to us here and feel free to PM me if you want.

{{Hugs}}