JeanGenie

Here's my widow confession for today....  First some background...  When I work in the yard, I tend to wear my husband's old sweats/athletic pants and shirts.  Two reasons for this: 1) I don't have any 'work' clothes of my own (didn't have to do this "before") and 2) they're big and comfy and it's okay if they get ruined.

Anyhow today, while working outside, I realized I needed to run to the hardware store.  So here I am, in a pair of his old, baggy gray sweatpants, a large gray henley shirt, and a ragged fleece zippered jacket, with my hair pulled back in a ponytail and no makeup and off I go to the hardware store.  I would have NEVER left the house like this "before"!  But now I don't care.

Of course, I laughed to think that maybe I would run into Mr. Right while at the hardware store.  Yeah, real attractive!  At least I could only get better looking!

Hi all!

For reasons I won't bore you with, we need to move the bago from Sunday, May 15th to Saturday, May 14th.  Same start time...12 Noon to ???? (whenever you leave, or you decide to crash on my couch!).  I hope you all can still make it and maybe there are others as well who can join us!

And somehow, May begins on Sunday, so we're 2 weeks away!!  Not sure how that happened but I'm so looking forward to seeing you all!  Let me know if you can still make it (keeping my fingers crossed) and/or if there is anyone else out there on the board who can join us.  Also, feel free to bring a friend...the more the merrier!!

Just checking in because I am now 2 days past the official sadiversary date.  It's the weekend so I'm trying to hang on until Monday thinking the return to the workweek will be good (yeah, right, but whatever...).  Thankfully the weather has been beautiful and I've been avoiding the grief beast, for the most part, by doing a lot of physical work outside.  My arms are sore this morning from raking, but it's a good soreness.  My mother stopped by on the sadiverary to bring me flowers that I'll be able to enjoy all summer. And my sister came to have dinner with me and we spent the evening catching up. It was the first time that I actually reached out to her and asked her to come keep me company.  I guess that's progress after three years, huh?

I'm in the April 2013 club too - just had my three year on 4/5 and 4/6.  He died at around 2am, so 4/6 is his official death date although 4/5 - the anniversary of the last time I saw him before I left for work that morning - hit me much harder this year. 

 

I've done a lot of work rebuilding my life these past three years, but I feel I remain a fairly hollow version of the person that I was when he died.  Most days are fine, some of them are even really good.  But losing him still mutes the vibrancy of happiness I'm able to feel.

MrsT I can so relate to both of these things. Today/tomorrow I hit the official 3 year mark.  3 years ago today was the last time we were together.  I pushed his morphine pump since he was unable and I kissed him goodnight.  He died at 1:30am, so tomorrow is the official death date.

The sadness that envelopes me now is the life I lost.  The happiness I knew.  Like you, I've worked hard over the last 3 years to keep living, figure out this life of mine alone.  And I mourn the person I used to be.  This happy, go lucky person.  The one who always saw the glass half full.  I appreciated everyone and everything in my life.  This morning, it has dawned on me that I've become this over analyzer (which has been pointed out to me on occasion over the past couple years), but this morning I realize my overthinking may have caused me to lose someone close to me.  Someone I usually count on to help me get through something like the next few days and I've pushed them away.  Why can't I just be that happy person and appreciate what I have.  I will blame the grief beast because otherwise I have no one to blame but myself.

It will be 3 years for me this Friday and this morning I'm a mess.  I came on here to post and found this thread and it's just what I'm feeling.  I had a good weekend away.  I laughed, I enjoyed the sun and good company.  Yet here I find myself this morning with a sadness surrounding me.  Sometimes I feel so "bipolar".  I think it began to hit as I drove home yesterday, alone....to my empty house...  When I'm in a "good" place, I can be proud of all I've managed to do these 3 years and the new friends I've made that provide support and happy moments.  But then just as quickly, I'm reminded of my reality.

I'm reminded of how alone I am and that how I no longer have that one person who really cares for me.  If I never made it home yesterday, would anyone notice? would anyone care?  There are many triggers this morning that remind me of each moment 3 years ago...my week from hell.  Yet, what saddens me even more is that it's been 3 years and I'm just tired.  How much longer can I continue to try to pull this off? I work hard to pretend to be this independent woman...working hard at my job, maintaining my house, to be a good boss at work, to maintain these new friendships I've formed.  But today I just want to shut out the world and disappear. But my greatest fear if I shut down and pulled away? That no one would even notice. And that scares me even more...  And then I feel weak and that's a side I never want to show anyone.  Yet here I am sharing it with all of you.  I F*ing hate this!

I'm so sorry to hear of your mom's passing.  Yes, we feel like we just become numb but then the flood gates seem to open when we least expect it.  Sending you virtual {{hugs}}.

I agree with BrokenHeart...keep what's most important to you.  Thankfully I'm not having to move or downsize right now because I still have most of his STUFF.  I'm slowly sorting and purging but it is the dumbest stuff that I'm keeping (like a certain t-shirt he wore) so I get keeping the keds. It is just STUFF but each thing is a memory and HIS. Wishing you strength.

Sorry to hear this Maureen. As you said, more children losing a parent but also stirring up feelings for you.  Sending you hugs...

Hi all! I'm glad many of you can make this.  So far I think we've got the following:

Captains wife

Donswife

Guaruja

RIFF

Donna&MrDrew

mizjsea

Maybe:

suki1

hikermom

We're still a ways away so I sure hope Spring decides to arrive by then and the snow has melted!  I'll share what MissingM and I will plan to have and then folks to bring whatever they want to supplement. (RIFF, we all know what you're bringing!) PM me for address/directions.

Looking forward to see you all!

Hi all!

Due to a number of reasons, we've landed on Sunday, May 15th for our Bago!  Thankfully I think this date works for all of you who have responded so far.  Shall we say noon?  Looking forward to it!

Yup...I used to look forward to long weekends...an extra day to spend with DH doing something "fun" other than just the daily routine and chores.  Now I fit in the "fun" with friends instead and actualy took a day to do this last weekend.  Not the same, but definitely helps with weekends that are usually spent alone.

The only good thing about this weekend is that my son is home.  So I get to spend time with him.  Easter Sunday will be going to my mothers...the same tradition from always...  I'm apprehensive since we are approaching the 3 year sadiversary so I know my mood can change without warning and their cheerfulness, "isn't life grand" attitude can just rub me the wrong way.  So I'm guarded.  Thankfully I'll have my son with me and my favorite sister and a case of Seagram's!

MissingM and I said we'd host a spring bago so here we are!  The dates we're considering are:

Sunday, May 1st

Sunday, May 15th

I'll host at my house in Belchertown.  (I'm right off Route 9 close to Amherst.)

Let us know if you can make it and if you have a preference of either day.  Thanks!

Maureen, Such a beautiful picture that captures the love and happiness the two of you shared.  Yes, so unfair.  To be so lucky to find such love after such great loss and then to have it ripped from your hands again.  I can tell you to cherish the love you found and how those short years you had together were such a gift. But you know that and today you can be sad and angry and grieve that loss because it sucks and we just can't understand the why.  All we can do is take it one day at a time.

Sending you hugs.

Mine is all boxed up and sealed in the back of my closet....where it's been for 30+ years.  Sometimes I wonder if there's anything actually in the box--now wouldn't that be ironic!  I had kept it too in case I had a daughter who might want it.  No daughter...so maybe some future DIL??  I guess I can hope. And then if my imagined DIL doesn't want it, maybe it can be used to make a Baptism gown for my imaginary grandchildren!  lol  I guess someday if I ever move, I'll need to deal with it.  But for now, it just sits in the back of the closet for future possibilities...

{{Hugs}}  I'm sorry.  You're right, this just sucks but you will get through it...one day at a time.  Try to find something to do to treat yourself on your birthday.  Maybe something Don would have done for you to make your day special.  I've learned I can't look too far in advance.  I get it...thinking (if I'm lucky?) I might live the next 30 years is overwhelming.  So just appreciate your birthday, treat yourself well and try not to think too much about the future.  I agree, it's daunting.

I thought about going out to a movie (by myself for the first time!) but nothing was playing that interested me, so I pulled out a jigsaw puzzle and worked on that while watching You've Got Mail followed by some Hallmark movie.  Typical Saturday night here...

I'm with all of you...  Just making me sad lately.

Come on everyone! Don't be scared, anyone can hike Mt. Monadnock!

Was this directed at me?!  lol

I've got it on my calendar!

DonnaP (and Drew), thanks for organizing a very nice afternoon. It was good to see everyone and nice to meet some new folks!

A sunny and warm day.  A good day for a Bago!  See you all soon!!

Doing laundry and chipping away at things on my "to do" list.  Hallmark movie playing in the background (to fill the emptiness and quiet in the house). Unfortunately, a typical Saturday night here...

Maureen, what a wonderful way to end a long, hard day!  Receiving hand-written notes and cards in the mail make my day as well.  Something thoughtful and personal amongst all the bills and junk mail.  You have a wonderful Valentine friend!

And yes, gracelet, I agree...Valentine's Day can be about showing your appreciation and love for friends as well!

I hadn't heard that yet.  So sad...

Hi Donna,

Pencil me in too!

A beautiful sunny day for a drive to Hamden CT!  Looking forward to seeing whoever can make it!!