Freelancing

In my experience, grief was repetitive till I was completely changed. Its difficult to explain how I changed, but I knew it when life became so exciting I didn't/don't want to miss a moment! ______________________________________________________________________________________________________________________________ Alice: "How long is forever?" White Rabbit: "Sometimes, just one second." Lewis Carroll, Alice in Wonderland

I think we've all known that deep feeling of loneliness -abandonment- as well as thinking we know the words that will comfort us but not knowing what will work for others. I'm glad you took the time to commiserate with her, I'm certain it made her feel accepted and much less lonely in the world. Kudos to you. I'm sorry it came at such a high price to wear her shoes, but sometimes its the only way to grasp the full meaning of someone else's pain/loss. Very brave of you to bring up this topic of how we can all be DGIs. _____________________________________________________________________________________________________________________________ "How puzzling all these changes are! I'm not sure what I'm going to be, from one minute to another." said Alice Lewis Carroll, Alice in Wonderland

Thought I'd share this with you. I just googled it and was able to find the book and the page I had read, The book is titled, Healing Children's Grief: Surviving a Parent's Death from Cancer by Grace Hyslop Christ Pg. 53, last two sentences on page - *Children fairly quickly began to seek out attention and care from adults who were the same gender as the dead parent which at times embarrassed the surviving parent because of their directness.Older children also searched for a replacement parent, but their approach was usually more subtle. Even if your husband did not die from cancer, like my DH, it was helpful in identifying my kid's grief. ______________________________________________________________________________________________________________________________ MENOPAUSE: I can't decide if I need a hug, six shots or 3 months of sleep! Arrgh!

Sounds like unresolved grief. (((HUGS))) ______________________________________________________________________________________________________________________________ "Where should I go?" -Alice "It depends on where you want to end up." -The Cheshire Cat

This is a hijack!!! ;D Remyswife, please excuse the interruption of your thread. Thanks! That realization rang true for me. I got sick and tired of being sensitive and angry all the time over stupid stuff, benign things that were said to me including the well meaning. All it did was keep me stationary -no moving forward not even an inch of progress, wasting a day or 2 to wind down and zapping the limited energy I had, I hated myself for it. I looked up suggestions to manage anger, they were doable, but I needed more to satisfy myself. Eventually, I started doing research and asking questions of older family members on how these sayings came about. It was quite educational and humorous at times; it became the key that unlocked my chain. It may sound like it was easy, I assure it was not. I still had to get out the pent up energy from anger first and foremost, then take a break to catch my breath before I could get to a rational place of thinking to even attempt to work on it -it was a daily battle till it wasn't. In public, all I could do was restrain myself. My grief work, not anyone else, was: to discipline myself, learn coping skills, identify problem redirect anger to it only. The more I worked at it, the more I became disciplined and less and less angry allowing me to learn better coping skills as well as maintain a focus on aiming my anger where it truly belongs. This is not advice, I just wanted to share my story to allow you to know it is possible to overcome it. I'm sure you will find your own way in your own time to get it worked out. _______________________________________________________________________________________________________________ "I hate housework! You make the bed, you do the dishes and six months later you have to start over again." Joan Rivers

Sounds like she had a spontaneous reaction to seeing your DH in the picture. Somewhere in her life she may have been conditioned to believe, like a great many people, if a person continues to talk, display pictures and the like of their DH/DW regardless of the years passed, s/he is pining. As you have witnessed it still holds true. At some point in society, grief became associated with mental illness. Studies on grief are fairly new, around 30yrs (?). Changing misconceptions in society takes a very long time. I have people in my life I don't see often who are confused about the whole widow thing to this day. We don't keep up with each others lives much, and I'm not aware of them knowing any other widows except me. I just smile at those who think that, allow them to know I'm fine and no longer grieving. It generally leads to a discussion about grief which I don't mind discussing. Its a good way for me to reassure them it is not a mental illness, it changes, it winds down, it can go on for some odd years in subtle ways, then its done. Even though we have experienced the death of a loved one, it is unimaginable and frightening for those who haven't. They fear death as well the misconception of mental illness if they are inclined to believe in it. You did the right thing in calling her as well as calmly reassuring her you are okay. _____________________________________________________________________________________________________________________________ "I haven't taken down my Christmas lights.They look so nice on the pumpkin," Winston Spear

Agree!!! ;D 8) My kids are young adults now, "we" including me love reminiscing about those days when the upstairs was filled with friends, laughter and mischief. My kids needed their friends close back in the grief days. Yup, lots of damage. Should've bought a run down house or a warehouse! On the sitcom, Everybody loves Raymond, his mother, Marie, had plastic covers on the livingroom furniture. Always gave me a belly laugh remembering most every household in the neighborhood had them. I got lucky some years back when a youth group from a local church stopped by to offer neighbor services as I was laying in the front yard crying trying to pick weeds. I continue employing them for house and yard work. Nice things about them is they accept donations in the form of payment, have never asked me to join their church and they do good work. BTW, back then it helped motivate my kids to start picking up after themselves when they found their peers showing up with the youth group to clean their messes. _____________________________________________________________________________________________________________________________ "I hate housework! You make the bed, you do the dishes and six months later you have to start all over again." Joan Rivers

At almost 9yrs out, I still receive well wishes in this form. I use to give a simple thank you, nowadays I respond with, Thank you for your thoughtfulness. ______________________________________________________________________________________________________________________________ "When I die I want to go peacefully like my grandfather did, in his sleep. Not yelling and screaming like the passengers in his car." Bob Monkhouse

Are you aware of Narcotics Anonymous? It could be the support you are looking for.

That is absolutely heart warming! Such a beautiful thoughtful gift, bless her heart. :'( I never knew before DH's death men could be so loving, caring and compassionate. This was our 10th Christmas w/out DH. His friends send out Christmas cards without fail and far ahead of me -its so nice to have them remember us, most importantly DH. And its been years since I've seen most of them. 8) The second one was very hard for me also, and the first. Every holiday, birthday, special occasion was different, I never knew what to expect. That really sucked! I've prayed for peace in your journey.

The only one being disrespected with false accusations is me. You could have explained your anger, asked questions or merely closed the page instead of attacking me in such a hostile tone,

We're family, we have values, we respect ourself, we respect as well as have compassion for one another and that's how we roll. We all have a role in this family and a purpose. Odd thing is, I can't figure out why other families do not care for one another as my family does. What is their purpose as a family or for wanting a family? Do their family traditions consist of merely using the same holiday recipes.Certainly over my head! When I was widowed, I didn't receive a tiara or throne. I wasn't the only one grieving, I was the one most affected with grief sickness, but it still didn't make me the only one grieving. There were our children including friends and relatives. People came to visit out of love and respect for me and mine. I came to find I had inadvertently earned respect by demonstrating new found strength to pick up the pieces of my shattered life to work on my grief, search for help for my kids, care for them and work on my husband's case. I wasn't able to do more than that. My aunts were instrumental in providing time and assistance for these tasks. I'm all in for making my life easier! Besides, what is one year when there are many more ahead? We all basically experience the same affects from grief, its our choices and actions that makes the difference. "There is no such thing as fun for the whole family." Jerry Seinfeld "The attempt to redefine the family as a purely voluntary arrangement grows out of the modern delusion that people can keep all their options open all the time." Christopher Lasch

Threat? What threat? "A Mother's Instinct is something no child, husband or any other none mother will ever understand no matter how hard you try to." -author unknown So you expect that your daughter-in-law should accept those traditions without question? Does "lose her" mean you WOULD be one of those in-laws who would abandon the widowed partner of their child because they didn't act as you expected? Seriously, I don't know what your point was in shouting at me. As I mentioned earlier as well as provided lots of information to garner from, God willingly my son will outlive me! Otherwise, it remains to be seen. No worries! It *does* depend on the person, which is why hard-and-fast rules don't make sense. Expressing what we think is best and why is good, but even with my teens I can't expect them to adopt any particular ethical stance. Rob T My wise old widowed aunts who wear huge big girl panties believe/focus on the mental, emotional and physical well being of the newly widowed. They've experienced widow brain, confusion, helplessness, relentless crying. inability to care for ones self and children, lack of sleep and food, etc. Anyone of us could've chosen not to accept a valuable yet compassionate gift from family. Its not like we're the Stepford Family for chrissakes! ;D I've read repeatedly from widows who wished the world would stop long enough for them to catch up. My aunts nursing did just that for me. After the first year, if I needed their help, they either came to me or I went to visit them. It was soothing to have them to talk to, to feed me and have me lay down for a nap. I always felt so loved and cared for that I felt like I could conquer anything. I get the impression you didn't receive this type of care otherwise I don't think you would've supportive and not referred to my family values as hard and fast rules. As far as being a parent, you have far more abilities than you think. If you can earn respect from your colleagues, you can certainly teach your teens to be respectful of themself and the purposes of the lessons you teach them. Again, what I have learned from this topic is regardless of the amount of information I provided it was all dismissed in favor of commenting on dating in the first year and targeting me as being in the wrong rather than focusing on how to handle the issue. What is clear is no one is an IL and/or is not willing or able to see it from the other side, not even for a moment. Maybe it causes too much discomfort, maybe it made some comfront their own truth. Who knows? What I can say is dinner last night with family was the best way to start off the new year! 8)

By Saturday, the day after, everything was resolved. My DIL should not have taken out her hurt and anger on me when it was my son who unsettled her. I can't imagine what she would say or do if anyone of us asked her to use less fennel in the marinara sauce. Again, it appears I should be the one to change rather than trying to understand my position as a MIL and mother by wearing my shoes. Naturally, no one has to do it same as no one has to wear the shoes of a widow/er. Some do, they come to find it takes patience, tolerance and an open mind to hear all that is being said. Unfortunately, all the information I provided did not factor in. The focus was entirely on an issue that was/is on the mind of those who replied. What this says to me is people want acceptance from others, in order to do so, everyone else has to change. I really really don't see that happening. I was always driven to find healing, I put up quotes that wrenched my gut till I began to like its truth like this one: 'In order to change the world you have to get your head straight." Jimi Hendrix Acceptance is not the only action a person can take: learning to live it -adjusting, tolerance, acquiescence, forgiveness. It takes quite a bit of time and energy to digest anything a person does not agree with. And if it serves them no purpose, the best responce or course of action would be to do the right thing by acting cordial in public, keeping it to ones self if its not someone of importance you, then move on. The other thing to take into consideration is people who respect themself have boundaries. I understand the strength of anger, the power of denial; they can allow a person to impulsively go after -get what they want regardless of consequences or its irrationality or the children or anything reasonable. I think denial is okay as a temporary reprieve from grief, but as a lifestyle -no thank you. Throughout the years of grief a person continually changes ranging from -good or bad, content or bitter to waking with whatever they have chosen to be of a value in their future. If a person chooses to date early on knowing of the bad experiences of other widows; that person is aware of what might come. Blaming/judging people, making others responsible for how s/he feels when not accepted is not a solution to accepting ones choice in the matter. All I can say is one day the fog will clear. Hopefully, you'll be able to look forward and backward with no regrets. And learned how to work out your greatest fears under the most extreme circumstance of all -the loss of a loved one. As for walking the widow's path, I've been there, done that, grief is completed. ;D Yippee! I'm ready for this new year! Wishing the same for you! I'm sure you think I don't understand what you're going through, but I do. Its just that sometimes, our future is dictated by what we are, opposed to what we want." Nicholas Sparks

Let me start out by saying this goes back to the saying: "People do not understand till they have walked in my shoes". There is no indication this was done. I read criticism about me, and that's okay. I can handle it because I know what is important to me. This reminds me of one of my mantras: He who angers you, conquers you. As for the old YWBB, there was never any support for singles nor an exclusive board like this one also. It appears the focus is on the dating, recoupled, remarried -it gives the impression these 3 are the only key to healing/moving on. In the topic, RE: Okay being alone as with old threads from YWBB someone always says "I am happy for those who have found love again". Sadly, I have never read any kind of support like that for singles -not by the dating, recoupled, remarried or those considering any of the three.Sounds like coercion or enabling to me. Most times it was used to appease them. *sigh* because they were and are the dominant group. As I recall, singles were being blasted off the board, obviously not respected for their contribution regardless of its eloquence. Many years ago, there was a *P*ssy Posse* willing, ready and able to chase any single widow off the YWBB as well as date married men who refused to leave their wife. I don't know who they were, but they made an everlasting impression lending credence to widows are crazy, widows will take your husband/boyfriend (Elizabeth Taylor), Harper Valley PTA widow, etc. I went through the distrust with my neighbors, they judged me before they knew what I was capable of. Just about every time I walked outside, wives were calling their husband indoors or going outside to be with them including times their husband offered his help. Some of us single widows have been subjected to this kind of treatment brought down through history. Ripple affect. Many singles chose to learn from other widow experiences by reading posts by the twice widowed and special circumstances. The one that really put the brakes on was the twice widowed by suicide, another who after 1yr of marriage began taking her new DH to the same hospital and oncologist as the 1st DH and there were more whose 2nd husband died in almost the same circumstance as the first. It was like the universe was talking. The answer to "why" some decide to date early on can be answered in many ways even without the person's knowledge of a preexisting pattern. What I uncovered and many others as well was soul deep anger and resentment stemming from alcoholism, drug addiction, abuse, codependency. This may not hold true for everyone, but it is worth looking into for anyone who had any of these issues in their marriage(s). I found enabling and codependency never just goes away, it has to be acknowledged and worked on to gain peace within and to be aware as to not repeat the same behaviors, duplicate the dysfunctional marriage. The saying goes, *It takes two to Tango.* All truth passes through three stages: First, it is ridiculed; Second, it is opposed violently; Third, it is accepted as self-evident." Arthur Schopenhauer