Freelancing

In my experience, grief was repetitive till I was completely changed. Its difficult to explain how I changed, but I knew it when life became so exciting I didn't/don't want to miss a moment! ______________________________________________________________________________________________________________________________ Alice: "How long is forever?" White Rabbit: "Sometimes, just one second." Lewis Carroll, Alice in Wonderland

I think we've all known that deep feeling of loneliness -abandonment- as well as thinking we know the words that will comfort us but not knowing what will work for others. I'm glad you took the time to commiserate with her, I'm certain it made her feel accepted and much less lonely in the world. Kudos to you. I'm sorry it came at such a high price to wear her shoes, but sometimes its the only way to grasp the full meaning of someone else's pain/loss. Very brave of you to bring up this topic of how we can all be DGIs. _____________________________________________________________________________________________________________________________ "How puzzling all these changes are! I'm not sure what I'm going to be, from one minute to another." said Alice Lewis Carroll, Alice in Wonderland

Thought I'd share this with you. I just googled it and was able to find the book and the page I had read, The book is titled, Healing Children's Grief: Surviving a Parent's Death from Cancer by Grace Hyslop Christ Pg. 53, last two sentences on page - *Children fairly quickly began to seek out attention and care from adults who were the same gender as the dead parent which at times embarrassed the surviving parent because of their directness.Older children also searched for a replacement parent, but their approach was usually more subtle. Even if your husband did not die from cancer, like my DH, it was helpful in identifying my kid's grief. ______________________________________________________________________________________________________________________________ MENOPAUSE: I can't decide if I need a hug, six shots or 3 months of sleep! Arrgh!

Sounds like unresolved grief. (((HUGS))) ______________________________________________________________________________________________________________________________ "Where should I go?" -Alice "It depends on where you want to end up." -The Cheshire Cat

This is a hijack!!! ;D Remyswife, please excuse the interruption of your thread. Thanks! That realization rang true for me. I got sick and tired of being sensitive and angry all the time over stupid stuff, benign things that were said to me including the well meaning. All it did was keep me stationary -no moving forward not even an inch of progress, wasting a day or 2 to wind down and zapping the limited energy I had, I hated myself for it. I looked up suggestions to manage anger, they were doable, but I needed more to satisfy myself. Eventually, I started doing research and asking questions of older family members on how these sayings came about. It was quite educational and humorous at times; it became the key that unlocked my chain. It may sound like it was easy, I assure it was not. I still had to get out the pent up energy from anger first and foremost, then take a break to catch my breath before I could get to a rational place of thinking to even attempt to work on it -it was a daily battle till it wasn't. In public, all I could do was restrain myself. My grief work, not anyone else, was: to discipline myself, learn coping skills, identify problem redirect anger to it only. The more I worked at it, the more I became disciplined and less and less angry allowing me to learn better coping skills as well as maintain a focus on aiming my anger where it truly belongs. This is not advice, I just wanted to share my story to allow you to know it is possible to overcome it. I'm sure you will find your own way in your own time to get it worked out. _______________________________________________________________________________________________________________ "I hate housework! You make the bed, you do the dishes and six months later you have to start over again." Joan Rivers

Sounds like she had a spontaneous reaction to seeing your DH in the picture. Somewhere in her life she may have been conditioned to believe, like a great many people, if a person continues to talk, display pictures and the like of their DH/DW regardless of the years passed, s/he is pining. As you have witnessed it still holds true. At some point in society, grief became associated with mental illness. Studies on grief are fairly new, around 30yrs (?). Changing misconceptions in society takes a very long time. I have people in my life I don't see often who are confused about the whole widow thing to this day. We don't keep up with each others lives much, and I'm not aware of them knowing any other widows except me. I just smile at those who think that, allow them to know I'm fine and no longer grieving. It generally leads to a discussion about grief which I don't mind discussing. Its a good way for me to reassure them it is not a mental illness, it changes, it winds down, it can go on for some odd years in subtle ways, then its done. Even though we have experienced the death of a loved one, it is unimaginable and frightening for those who haven't. They fear death as well the misconception of mental illness if they are inclined to believe in it. You did the right thing in calling her as well as calmly reassuring her you are okay. _____________________________________________________________________________________________________________________________ "I haven't taken down my Christmas lights.They look so nice on the pumpkin," Winston Spear

Agree!!! ;D 8) My kids are young adults now, "we" including me love reminiscing about those days when the upstairs was filled with friends, laughter and mischief. My kids needed their friends close back in the grief days. Yup, lots of damage. Should've bought a run down house or a warehouse! On the sitcom, Everybody loves Raymond, his mother, Marie, had plastic covers on the livingroom furniture. Always gave me a belly laugh remembering most every household in the neighborhood had them. I got lucky some years back when a youth group from a local church stopped by to offer neighbor services as I was laying in the front yard crying trying to pick weeds. I continue employing them for house and yard work. Nice things about them is they accept donations in the form of payment, have never asked me to join their church and they do good work. BTW, back then it helped motivate my kids to start picking up after themselves when they found their peers showing up with the youth group to clean their messes. _____________________________________________________________________________________________________________________________ "I hate housework! You make the bed, you do the dishes and six months later you have to start all over again." Joan Rivers

At almost 9yrs out, I still receive well wishes in this form. I use to give a simple thank you, nowadays I respond with, Thank you for your thoughtfulness. ______________________________________________________________________________________________________________________________ "When I die I want to go peacefully like my grandfather did, in his sleep. Not yelling and screaming like the passengers in his car." Bob Monkhouse

Are you aware of Narcotics Anonymous? It could be the support you are looking for.

That is absolutely heart warming! Such a beautiful thoughtful gift, bless her heart. :'( I never knew before DH's death men could be so loving, caring and compassionate. This was our 10th Christmas w/out DH. His friends send out Christmas cards without fail and far ahead of me -its so nice to have them remember us, most importantly DH. And its been years since I've seen most of them. 8) The second one was very hard for me also, and the first. Every holiday, birthday, special occasion was different, I never knew what to expect. That really sucked! I've prayed for peace in your journey.

The only one being disrespected with false accusations is me. You could have explained your anger, asked questions or merely closed the page instead of attacking me in such a hostile tone,

We're family, we have values, we respect ourself, we respect as well as have compassion for one another and that's how we roll. We all have a role in this family and a purpose. Odd thing is, I can't figure out why other families do not care for one another as my family does. What is their purpose as a family or for wanting a family? Do their family traditions consist of merely using the same holiday recipes.Certainly over my head! When I was widowed, I didn't receive a tiara or throne. I wasn't the only one grieving, I was the one most affected with grief sickness, but it still didn't make me the only one grieving. There were our children including friends and relatives. People came to visit out of love and respect for me and mine. I came to find I had inadvertently earned respect by demonstrating new found strength to pick up the pieces of my shattered life to work on my grief, search for help for my kids, care for them and work on my husband's case. I wasn't able to do more than that. My aunts were instrumental in providing time and assistance for these tasks. I'm all in for making my life easier! Besides, what is one year when there are many more ahead? We all basically experience the same affects from grief, its our choices and actions that makes the difference. "There is no such thing as fun for the whole family." Jerry Seinfeld "The attempt to redefine the family as a purely voluntary arrangement grows out of the modern delusion that people can keep all their options open all the time." Christopher Lasch

Threat? What threat? "A Mother's Instinct is something no child, husband or any other none mother will ever understand no matter how hard you try to." -author unknown So you expect that your daughter-in-law should accept those traditions without question? Does "lose her" mean you WOULD be one of those in-laws who would abandon the widowed partner of their child because they didn't act as you expected? Seriously, I don't know what your point was in shouting at me. As I mentioned earlier as well as provided lots of information to garner from, God willingly my son will outlive me! Otherwise, it remains to be seen. No worries! It *does* depend on the person, which is why hard-and-fast rules don't make sense. Expressing what we think is best and why is good, but even with my teens I can't expect them to adopt any particular ethical stance. Rob T My wise old widowed aunts who wear huge big girl panties believe/focus on the mental, emotional and physical well being of the newly widowed. They've experienced widow brain, confusion, helplessness, relentless crying. inability to care for ones self and children, lack of sleep and food, etc. Anyone of us could've chosen not to accept a valuable yet compassionate gift from family. Its not like we're the Stepford Family for chrissakes! ;D I've read repeatedly from widows who wished the world would stop long enough for them to catch up. My aunts nursing did just that for me. After the first year, if I needed their help, they either came to me or I went to visit them. It was soothing to have them to talk to, to feed me and have me lay down for a nap. I always felt so loved and cared for that I felt like I could conquer anything. I get the impression you didn't receive this type of care otherwise I don't think you would've supportive and not referred to my family values as hard and fast rules. As far as being a parent, you have far more abilities than you think. If you can earn respect from your colleagues, you can certainly teach your teens to be respectful of themself and the purposes of the lessons you teach them. Again, what I have learned from this topic is regardless of the amount of information I provided it was all dismissed in favor of commenting on dating in the first year and targeting me as being in the wrong rather than focusing on how to handle the issue. What is clear is no one is an IL and/or is not willing or able to see it from the other side, not even for a moment. Maybe it causes too much discomfort, maybe it made some comfront their own truth. Who knows? What I can say is dinner last night with family was the best way to start off the new year! 8)

By Saturday, the day after, everything was resolved. My DIL should not have taken out her hurt and anger on me when it was my son who unsettled her. I can't imagine what she would say or do if anyone of us asked her to use less fennel in the marinara sauce. Again, it appears I should be the one to change rather than trying to understand my position as a MIL and mother by wearing my shoes. Naturally, no one has to do it same as no one has to wear the shoes of a widow/er. Some do, they come to find it takes patience, tolerance and an open mind to hear all that is being said. Unfortunately, all the information I provided did not factor in. The focus was entirely on an issue that was/is on the mind of those who replied. What this says to me is people want acceptance from others, in order to do so, everyone else has to change. I really really don't see that happening. I was always driven to find healing, I put up quotes that wrenched my gut till I began to like its truth like this one: 'In order to change the world you have to get your head straight." Jimi Hendrix Acceptance is not the only action a person can take: learning to live it -adjusting, tolerance, acquiescence, forgiveness. It takes quite a bit of time and energy to digest anything a person does not agree with. And if it serves them no purpose, the best responce or course of action would be to do the right thing by acting cordial in public, keeping it to ones self if its not someone of importance you, then move on. The other thing to take into consideration is people who respect themself have boundaries. I understand the strength of anger, the power of denial; they can allow a person to impulsively go after -get what they want regardless of consequences or its irrationality or the children or anything reasonable. I think denial is okay as a temporary reprieve from grief, but as a lifestyle -no thank you. Throughout the years of grief a person continually changes ranging from -good or bad, content or bitter to waking with whatever they have chosen to be of a value in their future. If a person chooses to date early on knowing of the bad experiences of other widows; that person is aware of what might come. Blaming/judging people, making others responsible for how s/he feels when not accepted is not a solution to accepting ones choice in the matter. All I can say is one day the fog will clear. Hopefully, you'll be able to look forward and backward with no regrets. And learned how to work out your greatest fears under the most extreme circumstance of all -the loss of a loved one. As for walking the widow's path, I've been there, done that, grief is completed. ;D Yippee! I'm ready for this new year! Wishing the same for you! I'm sure you think I don't understand what you're going through, but I do. Its just that sometimes, our future is dictated by what we are, opposed to what we want." Nicholas Sparks

Let me start out by saying this goes back to the saying: "People do not understand till they have walked in my shoes". There is no indication this was done. I read criticism about me, and that's okay. I can handle it because I know what is important to me. This reminds me of one of my mantras: He who angers you, conquers you. As for the old YWBB, there was never any support for singles nor an exclusive board like this one also. It appears the focus is on the dating, recoupled, remarried -it gives the impression these 3 are the only key to healing/moving on. In the topic, RE: Okay being alone as with old threads from YWBB someone always says "I am happy for those who have found love again". Sadly, I have never read any kind of support like that for singles -not by the dating, recoupled, remarried or those considering any of the three.Sounds like coercion or enabling to me. Most times it was used to appease them. *sigh* because they were and are the dominant group. As I recall, singles were being blasted off the board, obviously not respected for their contribution regardless of its eloquence. Many years ago, there was a *P*ssy Posse* willing, ready and able to chase any single widow off the YWBB as well as date married men who refused to leave their wife. I don't know who they were, but they made an everlasting impression lending credence to widows are crazy, widows will take your husband/boyfriend (Elizabeth Taylor), Harper Valley PTA widow, etc. I went through the distrust with my neighbors, they judged me before they knew what I was capable of. Just about every time I walked outside, wives were calling their husband indoors or going outside to be with them including times their husband offered his help. Some of us single widows have been subjected to this kind of treatment brought down through history. Ripple affect. Many singles chose to learn from other widow experiences by reading posts by the twice widowed and special circumstances. The one that really put the brakes on was the twice widowed by suicide, another who after 1yr of marriage began taking her new DH to the same hospital and oncologist as the 1st DH and there were more whose 2nd husband died in almost the same circumstance as the first. It was like the universe was talking. The answer to "why" some decide to date early on can be answered in many ways even without the person's knowledge of a preexisting pattern. What I uncovered and many others as well was soul deep anger and resentment stemming from alcoholism, drug addiction, abuse, codependency. This may not hold true for everyone, but it is worth looking into for anyone who had any of these issues in their marriage(s). I found enabling and codependency never just goes away, it has to be acknowledged and worked on to gain peace within and to be aware as to not repeat the same behaviors, duplicate the dysfunctional marriage. The saying goes, *It takes two to Tango.* All truth passes through three stages: First, it is ridiculed; Second, it is opposed violently; Third, it is accepted as self-evident." Arthur Schopenhauer

Here's another good descriptive word: CATHEXIS- In psychoanalysis, it is defined as the process of investment of mental and emotional energy in a person, object or idea.

I'm rather taken aback at your alarm; its instinctual for a Mama Bear to react aggressively -going bat shit crazy- when she detects any type of threat to her cub(s) including my granddaughter. This is the other side of the spectrum. The MIL. The Mother who was talked at without any regard. Being an IL is a tough job! I get the impression as a widow with a number of years of experience I'm suppose to be accepting of all things widow/ers do or understand everyone's grief. I don't. Been there, done that, walked-ran-kicked in those shoes, begged on hands and knees for God to give him back. During all that wicked pain I learned a great many wonderful lessons I might have spent a life time learning -some were an absolute surprise! Reading the old board helped me not make big mistakes, I made small ones that were easily fixed. Grief was hard enough, I didn't want to make it harder. I do believe if DH saw me now, he'd be elated and love me more for the happiness I've found, my care of the kids and my ability to resolve the issues that haunted me since I was a child. His death was not in vain. Regardless, if DIL is aware or not how she will feel when its her time to grieve, in my family we nurse our widow/ers for one year and all they have to do is grieve with the family. Its a very simple tradition, one we believe is valuable, respectable and helpful when the time comes. We just don't send our widow/ers adrift unless they want to make a break. DIL is fully aware it means no dating for one year. Michael would also do the same. Obviously, dating after the first year would be expected as well as quietly accepted. Personally, I think it would hurt to lose her if that is her choice at the same time not a word to deter her would be spoken. And there would never have to be a conversation about dating. I'd rather hear it on the village grapevine because I know it would cause tremendous hurt, the kind I'd have to turn my back on if it were face to face. I can't bare the thought of losing my son nor having my granddaughter burdened during her own grief. In any case, I've been nursing her last couple of days. She has a virus of some sort from trying to be Super Woman -putting more on her plate than she could handle. I did remind her of the one year tradition in my family as well as asked her not to mention it to her parents -they are devout Catholics as well as Italian. I don't know that her parents would want her dating in their tiny Italian village either. Christmas Day, she was pisst off at my son for telling her not to be crisping food in her new cookware. I, again, was not happy about that. On Thanksgiving, as usual, I pulled the stuffing bag out of the turkey to add to the reserve stuffing for additional baking. It wasn't where I put it, I asked DIL if she remembered if I had moved it. She pointed to an electric skillet on the kitchen table with the stuffing crisping in an inch of olive oil. DIL said Michael likes it crispy, I thought to myself Michael has eaten it like this for the last 40 years -the recipe has been handed down through the generations. All I could say was okay. She summoned Michael to take a look at the crispy stuffing, OMG, from the dining room I heard him say, I don't like it that kind of crispy, I like how my Mom makes it 'cuz its just like Gramma's. I cornered him in the livingroom, wanted to smack him upside the head, instead I asked him to not ever say that again. Its enough that she keeps trying to compete with me when she has no reason to. Arrrgh! That kind of sh*t just spurs her on. Anyway, that son of mine never apologized -said he didn't think he needed to because she needed to stop doing that crap -okay whatever. I said to him I don't ever want family time spoiled, whatever goes on in your marriage needs to be kept between the two of you unless you need suggestions by telling either of you how and what Dad and I did to make our marriage work. As far as there not being anything magical about the first year, it depends on the person. I learned and did "magical" things my first year. I'm still amazed at myself for uncovering some very valuable information regarding DH's death. Highly trained investigators missed them. It also depends on the person and the reason they are using what sounds to me like a platitude. Anyhoo, we're all good now! Thanks for the replies

Christmas started off with lots of excitement, kissing, hugging and playfulness. By noon, everyone began to relax, board games were being selected, one on one conversations were being initiated and all that good stuff. It was the perfect time to slip into the frigid cold garage to get the food in for baking. My DIL followed me out. We decided on what needed to go in first, where this, that and the other were at, discussed her family, then she dropped a bombshell from I don't know where in hell. "Mom, I've been thinking about all those years you grieved Dad. I know you hurt for such a long time and you just couldn't get over his death. I just want you to know that if Michael dies I'll start dating after a few months." Apparently, she ignored my body language to shut up by turning around to face her with crossed arms and furrowed brow. OMG! She went on and on and on to explain this, that and the other. Blah, blah, blah, blah was all I heard as chills ran up and down my spine, my hair caught on fire, my teeth grew into fangs. I asked as calmly as possible if her devout Catholic parents knew of this or my son. She said "Nooo, but they'll understand", (Yup, they'll be pisst and disappointed. Yup, my son will be pisst if he's on his dying bed to learn it had been planned ). That horrid terrifying conversation came to an end on my forth attempt at finding a task in need of attention inside the house. I must've stayed in the garage about a 1/2 hour heating it up releasing pure anger in order to compose myself as if nothing were ever said. I had to wipe the sweat from my brow, check my armpits, fix my hair and straighten my clothes before entering. I never ever thought I would react so uncharacteristically, not even in my wildest dreams! But then again, I never thought "I" with my big fat head would ever be confronted with that shit! All that kept rushing through my brain was, you are talking about the demise of my son f'n bit*h, this is my son you're talking so nonchalantly about you f''n bit*h, he's not even dead and you're talking like this you f'n bit*h, you can't even be alone for a f'n year for your own f'n good and for my GD you f'n bit*h, after all I've been through and demonstrated you didn't learn a f'n thing, you f'n bit*h, then on to visualizing ramming my arm down her throat to rip out her beating heart. Arrrrgh! I haven't been this livid in years, and here she comes with her big ugly mouth. It put a big damper on the first Christmas I was fully anticipating -embracing with love and peace. There are some things better left unsaid! F'n bit*h! If she was in her 20s or 30s, instead of 41, I know I would've struggled, but I would've at least attempted to explain the many benefits of waiting a year. In addition, I would have explained the responsibilities to herself, my GD and both families. But nooooo, she had to hit me with something I never wanted to know about! F'n bit*h! All I keep thinking about is my GD or my kids asking if I knew she was dating or if I knew she planned on dating. Knowing me and my devotion to keeping my family together, I would lie. First answer, NO. Second answer, She's trying to find her way through grief while listening to them cry and bit*h and compare her grief to mine as I'd try to maintain their love and respect for her. The sh*t we parents go through sucks! Then there's the family and friends thoughtfully asking how she's doing and reiterating her need for space. And I answer, she's dating. The shock, feelings of betrayal, wishing they had never extended themselves, words like "she truly looked bereaved". Sh*t I never thought "I" with my big fat head thought I would ever have to cope with! Not today, tomorrow or in the future. Then I think myself, NO! They don't get it and neither do I, its too much to process all at once! Then I remind them of my mother marrying early on, then someone saying "and look how that turned out" as they move their head side to side saying a prayer of peace for her. OMG! That f'n bit*h DIL! Arrrrgh! I can only pray I die before my son. This glimpse into the future is a burden! All those years I wished I knew what the future held for me, and I get this f'd up pile of sh*t dumped on me. "Why, why, why?????? Do I keep her at a distance? Or do I behave like nothing was ever said? Will I be like those other INLS I read about who sound cruel and heartless in abandoning their child's spouse with kind words, a hug, resigning themselves to giving up their grandchildren while thinking "go away because I'm afraid of what you will do" or "who and what you will become" or "I already feel like I can't trust you". Its just easier to cast you off then to have any thing more to do with you. I'm vacillating on whether to keep my plans for starting off the new year together. Just the sound of her name pours acid into my stomach. I just don't know as a MIL how to suck up all this anger, feelings of betrayal and disappointment for new year's day. I don't know how to face my son with this sh*t consuming my every thought! I've got a migraine, my neck is stiff, I'm nauseous, I quietly feel like strangling her. What to do? tap, tap, tap, Fn' bitch. I could call her the "C' word, even though I'm angry I'm able to restrain myself in that regard. I know this remains to be seen, but the present anger still needs to be worked out. Okay, any advice on how to suck it up for New Year's Day? Any ideas on how to work it out or compartmentalize it? Thanks!

Just to let everyone know life gets oh, so much better when grief is completed. A return to normal with clear thinking. I'm now fully embracing Christmas (as I did before DH died) rushing around making preparations for my kids to come home. My younger kids are now adults -the holidays are practically the only time they see eachother or we're all under the same roof. There's always someone missing for Sunday dinner due work schedules. They say everyone behaves like a child whenever they are around their mother. In my case. its true and I absolutely love it! Except, of course, when there's whining someone is cheating at cards or a board game. My cry babies! Not only do they delight in eating the same foods from their childhood, it provides the warmth, comfort and security of some things never change feeling. I'm thrilled and filled with joy as they unwrap presents to the point of recalling each ones childhood Christmas. As I retell their stories, they each chime in with their recollections. Since we only have limited times to gather as a family, the holidays including birthdays have become the times of year we (including GD) share about their Dad/DH, its done with such exuberant joy and laughter. Warms my heart! Which reminds me, I need to put DH's candles on the dining room table (same ones every year), and his Homer Simpson slippers by his chair. The glimmer in their eyes when they see these things is priceless! By midnight, it will be quiet in the house and I'll be nodding off on the couch. Then, it will back to freely happily running around, working a job I absolutely love, hanging out with friends, etc and bugging the kids to visit one another so when my time comes they'll still have eachother to love and embrace as they did in their childhood pictures. Gotta start marinating the brisket! Merry Christmas! ;D

There is a safe place for them under Relationships/Remarriage (I never ever open it, that is their domain). We also share Social Encounters and General Discussion with them. Where is our exclusive safe place? Don't ever hesitate in posting issues/questions regarding singlehood. Everyone has the choice to open or close any thread they find offensive. No matter the circumstances we have the choice to endure &/or take a time out whenever we are overwhelmed. No one is responsible for ones own choices or trigger reaction in such matters. Blatant deliberate provocation or targeting an individual(s) or group of people is just cause for a complaint to the moderators ... not conjecture, which I am not a fan of at all. Even facts and helpful suggestions more often than not sound like judgements/opinions. I, for one, have made good sound suggestions to decompress grief, provided support and encouragement. Geez, oh peet, suggestions I value, I developed during my own personal experience with grief! They were dismissed in favor of a trigger reaction being more important. What can you do when a person is blinded by grief to see the big picture? *sigh* Hells bells, I can"t remember if I was going to add anything else because the door bell is ringing. My daughter is stopping by to "borrow" tape and probably raid the pantry. I should've sold them to the gypsies when I was grieving -never a moments peace even though they no longer live with me!

Thank for your response and compassion. Widowhood is Chapter 2 of my life. I do not think of it as a state of limbo or dismiss it in any way. Who knows I might chose to stay single the rest of my life. That train of thought gives the impression my life is/was worthless after DH's death. I would never be a person if I never recoupled or remarried. I'm here, I'm alive and living a new life I created for myself without regret. I've never read about a well balanced marriage with blended families these boards or any other, so I can't attest to it. I can only hope there are. It is terribly unfortunate my mother and step father's marriage early on effected 12 children including myself; its our history and we are an example of what can happen when decisions are made during active grief. It shaped our futures, even though we are very educated, we all starved for love. My 72yr old sister after completing a successful career as a school teacher became homeless by choice after suffering a second trauma, divorce. We all have suffered from PTSD being part of a dysfunctional family. We have all had our PTSD come back worse than ever whenever we experienced a second trauma. For me, it was DH's death. We've all had our battles with hoarding to fill the void stemming from childhood. Whatever fairy tale my mother and step father had in mind it was for themselves only, they tried to whip their children into accepting it -we had absolutely no control over where our lives were beinh taken even though the older siblings tried to prevent the abuse or simply ran away to av?id beatings with a broomstick or extention cord, Can you ever imagine leaving younger siblings behind to save youself as well as the tremendous guilt from it. There wasn't a day that went by when one or more were MIA. I always went with my mother to what was then called the juvenile delinquent center to retrieve one or two of my siblings.It still pains me to think about it, but at least now I can cope with it. I was overwhelmed with delight to see you post! As far as I'm concerned there is no need to apologize for your previous title. I dont think or feel like a victim any more, therefore I saw no condescension whatsoever. We are single widows with a different mindset than those who are dating or remarried. Just as widowed parents and widows without children are. Our mindset keeps us in check as we strive for our goals. People who don't get it probably don't realize we have our own set of issues to stay mindful of as well as our own recovery. I always closed a thread that triggered me. To date, there has never been a category exclusively for single widows. I never once received any support on-line; it was accomplished through PMs, email and phone calls. You bet it infuriated single widows to have to resort to those methods of communication instead of being like everyone else posting freely and openly. We wanted to discuss singlehood without being flamed with name calling such as martyr, holy roller, virtuous virgin, prune p..sy, goody two shoes; these names were often used. It felt like we had to hide. No one cared how we felt, and because of it, sides were drawn. I never once asked to be coddled or flamed anyone because of it. What it did do was force me to take responsibility for my own shit without placing blame on others for how I felt or reacted. My own mother use to tell me with shifting weird eyes I needed to get married so I would get over it and at least look normal. I never knew normal looked like that! Still creepy! But then again, it was the norm/acceptable back in the 60s to beat ones own kids without repercussion. What is sad is my mother allowed herself to be triggered/controlled by the words "married too soon". She always complained about being unhappy, but when anyone identified the problem as a catalyst for her to make a truly sincere amends for it as well as forgive herself to move on to build a better life, she just went ballistic. Bless those family members who tried to intervene, they were strong enough not to feel as if they had to walk on eggshells to be honest with her. Mother never seemed to have gotten over it till she was so old she was ready to die. Who knows why my mother harmed herself like that. I, myself, use to be constantly triggered by the words "dating and remarriage. I felt angry by the constant bombardment of threads pertaining to either or both during a time I felt and thought like a victim. It was no ones fault but my own that I felt like that. After months of that rage, I chose to get over it to prevent skirmishes, being haunted by it and to not become like my mother -rest in peace wild woman. :'( I look forward to more topics from you! ;D Freelancing ------

Absolutely! I can't imagine it any other way! DH was oh, so, special! We married eachother when we were both 30yrs old. My DH worked out of town 5 days a week. I had the kids, I had to be independent. I had a feeling something good would come of being on my own. The new me! ;D Canadiangirl, That is so refreshing to know I'm not the only one! There has always been little or no support for widows who chose not to date. I'm almost 9yrs out, still no desire to date. There's so much to do as well as explore. I'm doing those things DH and I had planned for our retirement that most people do - downsize. I'm sure we might have vacationed a bit more often. Day to day would have been spent filling up time with personal interests, meals together and maybe a dance class together. Nothing major. One thing I do know for certain we would never have been in any casinos! Like yourself, I rediscovered power tools. I bought a set of Ryobi power tools. They're nice and light weight ... love them! I couldn't use any of DH's, they were just too heavy. I'm amazed at myself for learning to do so much more than I ever thought possible. Widowhood sucks, but it does get better when you know who you are and learn what you're made of. I think you're very leveled headed, I thought and did the exact same thing. From the time I was a child I made a promise to never date or remarry if I became widowed with children till they were grown, Now they're grown and I'm still not interested. I'm single, not alone. My father died when I was 9 months old, My mother remarried when I was 18 months old. She married a widower with a 16 month old plus 4 other kids. We were a family with 12 kids. He died when my step sister and I were 6 years old. She had gone to live with an aunt and uncle shortly after the marriage. As my siblings and step siblings grew older they began to put the time line together, from there on 2 at a time they became irrevocably resentful and bitter, started running away to different places around the US. Geez, all I remember was monthly going to the juvenile detention center to pick up one of them. One or more of them always seemed to be MIA. My stepfather's youngest daughter attended his funeral only because her aunt and uncle brought her. His other 4 children did not attend. My siblings demanded I not attend. My mother died 5yrs ago, out of her 7 children, only myself and 2 brothers attended her funeral. One brother always addressed her by her first name and shook hands with her. One sister attended the mass only to chat with our cousins, but refused to walk her casket out to the hearse with me and our brothers. All 4 sisters attended the reception to hear the reading of the will which some how, some way were able to change. Court is finally over. They rarely, if ever, spoke to my mother much less visited. A good part of my life I wished they had never married, and tried to compensate for it. Sadly, my family nor my step siblings ever spent time together as individual families from the time of his death. Regardless of how much I tried to round up my family to be together it never happened. I begged my siblings to forgive her, to no avail. My mother lived miserably with the ramifications of remarrying early out from shortly after their wedding. It was brutal enough for her to become propably one of the most vicious, ruthless abusive mothers that roamed the earth another 45yrs. My siblings refused to believe our mother ever loved our father. My step siblings refused to believe their father ever loved their mother (unfortunately, the girls don't beieve their father ever loved them and suffer from emotional issues - both brothers died from heroin overdoses). They never asked our mother "why" she remarried early on, in their minds, nothing would ever be a good enough reason. My mother became strong enough to hate her own children including me "Miss Fix It". I loved her, but due to her mental and physical abuse never said so till she was on her dying bed. I haven't seen my siblings since the funeral reception. My understanding is my sisters accidentally spilled their part of her ashes in a restaurant parking lot. I still can't believe instead of buying an urn they used an old candy tin they bought at Goodwill. That's the reason it became so important to demonstrate to my kids strength, courage, character building to become strong and independent. They get it ! I have so much pride in them! I've been judged mercilessly for my decisions. Noooo, they don't understand what my life was like as a young child nor as a widow nor do they really care. Its all about thinking the quick fix is dating and remarriage. All I can hope for is if they become widowed they consider their children and not wind up living their life like my mother. I still find alot of sadness for it, and occasionally I weep for my mother. They say there is a reason for everything, my guess is it hhas been to keep me on the straight and narrow to influence my kids the best way possible. The World Is Your Oyster! Best wishes! *Example is not the main thing in influencing others. It is the only thing.* Albert Schweitzer

Sorry, I didn't provide further information. I don't and didn't. The other is, I did mention "women sometimes temporarily lose their sex drive";.A few of my younger friends have mentioned this. I've also read about it. My womanhood is never in question. No woman ever has to engage in sex or birth babies to feel/know they are a woman and a sexual being they are woman and a sexual being. Like my friends (married and unmarried) who are my age and older they are no longer interested in sex. Maybe its just an age thing. All I can say is were good with it. Sex is very important in a relationship as well as for having babies and for those with a sex drive.There is no question about that. Freelancing

This, too, shall pass. Recall the Time Frame section, it allows widow/ers to post how they are feeling in those early months of grief. Its also a good reference as well as for everyone to find the many ways grief changes over time and to know that is alone in this journey. Unfortunately, it jumps from 1yr to Beyond Active Grieving, I'm assuming due to lack of space. I've always thought there should be a 2yr section. That particular time line as I recall was the hardest year for myself and a great many widow/ers; it was logged in the 1yr section by hundreds on the old YWBB. The 2nd year is a major turning point when sorrow, loneliness, boredom sets in with an unrelenting grip, almost paralyzing. Widow brain is apt to start getting worse. There are ways to reduce its hold temporarily. Grief work is psychological training for healing. if you need to cry or make yourself cry, do so first. Let me begin by saying there are many steps in grief to work on to get to functioning mode on a daily basis, but propably don't know what they are. Each step is an emotion that needs to be worked out no matter how many times it comes to visit. One stepway in griefwork is preparation, begin by exercising out the intense emotions with labor intensive housework or yardwork to loosen their grip. Exercising with full intent by sweeping vigorously, hand scrubbing floors, hacking (pruning,trimming) at trees or shrubs or pulling weeds will activate endorphins. Endorphins are natural peptide hormones in the body that activate receptors (like an opiate) in our brain to reduce pain and affect emotions. This is not a one time fix it, (I'm sure its the last thing you want to hear), however, any form of exercise even if it is a non conventional is a tremendous help to promote healing and keep depression at bay. Many people prefer sex, but truly how often during a day is it available and how many times a day do you want/have to shower? By choosing to learn to work on your grief and doing it, you will be making a commitment to take care of yourself. You will heal your wounds as well as learn discipline, consistency and take pride in small steps. It helped me find my purpose in life and my new career. Be gentle with yourself by not starting any self designed /self help program commando style. Work up to it slowly in your free time till you're programmed at a certain time or day, hopefully becoming a useful priority. My only priorities back then were to fall out of bed, crawl or drag myself to the kitchen to drink and smoke, get the kids off to school with lunch money. I put a stop to that when I got sick and tired of being sick and tired. If you are an animal lover, watching kitten/puppy videos is not only soothing it can slow the brain from overthinking. They relieved alot and always made me feel good. I was always excited to tell the kids what I had watched. My youngest were 11 and 12 when DH died, they greatly benefitted from watching also. Mostly they liked that I cheerful, laughing and playful when they returned from school. I was very proud that I was able to dramatically reduce their worry about me. Widow brain seems to get worse rather than better. After decompressing, try journaling, working crossword or jigsaw puzzles, play solitaire or surf the web to find something to improve memory function. These tips will be helpful when you reach the worst of menopause. I've started to doing them again due to menopause;it affects the memory and causes horrible fatigue. Its like grief, it cycles for 8 - 10 years. Although it might start off with minor insignificant changes, but when the ending cycle it is painfully uncomfortable. Its the dry spell when the body no longer produces estrogen. From what I've been told makes sex severely uncomfortable. Women often quit engaging in it. BTW, women sometimes temporarily lose their sex drive during menopause. Anyhoo, that is a conversation you might have down the road if you are recouple by that time. Now all you have to do now is make the choice to work the very first step by decompressing. These helped me greatly. Good luck with all your endeavors. Freelancing -----

Wow, a wonderful article indeed. "But every emotion has an adaptive advantage, and to reject that is to tune out useful information". I love that sentence, in my opinion, it truly relates to grief. People always seem to be on the hunt for an unrealistic quick fix for grief/happiness antedate by adding more to their already full plate. Fact is, grief work has to be done if one wants closure. Certainly, it can be stuffed, compartmentalized, denied, ignored, tuned out, what have you, but it doesn't it go away or resolve on its own. Have you ever noticed how easy it is to come a person with chip on their shoulder ? What it comes down to is developing and listening to ones own intuition/gut. For every emotion I struggled with, I found its meaning as well as automatically changed how I do things. Going through the motions of grief enabled me to have a greater understanding of life and of myself. I'm much wiser and knowledgeable than I was prior to DH's death. My grief journey prepared me for a new life, one easier to navigate. That, of course, is not to say I enjoyed grief or would ever want to do it again. It only means I understand its purpose with greater meaning as well as its value. Positive thinking is valuable, however, as the article states, "When we are happy, we are very superficial in our thinking". Ain't that the truth! Brings to mind all those DGIs who for some reason think what they're saying makes any sense or is in any way helpful or uplifting. What happened to using plain old common sense? Yeah, I got the house, money, kids, dog and a broken heart all at once! All of it mine, mine, mine! Eeeesh! We are are not meant to be happy 24/7, there is very little to learn from it. besides, if you can't be happy or resolve your own problems, who is going to do it for you? As they say "there is a reason for everything", but you have to do the grief work to find your own answers.