Bluebird

ATJ, I'm so glad you wrote that private message and you were steadied by those sound words! Keep shining your light ATJ! Take care, Bluebird

Thank you everyone for sharing your thoughts here as well as on other threads about the loss of YWBB. @ATJ - Oh my...so beautiful. Yes, we were expatriated from our lives and thanks to YWBB and now WIDDA.org, we are here, moving upward and onward in hope. @kmouse, beautifully stated. I too hold YWBB near and dear - forever grateful for its place in my journey. @WifeLess - my love, you have become who I think of as the "archivist"... The person many of us came to when we were looking for "that thread". We often gave you scant information and you found what we needed anyway. When you completed what would likely be your last search of that treasure trove yesterday, the feeling of loss deepened. We do carry a lot with us, but you helped many of us with your contributions, those that you authored and those that you retrieved on our behalf. @Wheelerswife, I'm so sorry for the additional pain you feel with the closure of YWBB....to have lost the mothership early in grief must brings its own special sadness. Hugs my friend. @Mangomom, that's a wonderful way to think of this change. Many of us are more surefooted as a result of the growth and support we received at YWBB, it will serve us well. @anniegirl, thank you for directing me to the thread in the general section and your post. The ability to step back, to share the lessons you have learned is invaluable to me, and I'm sure others. Thank you.

I know this is an extremely strange post for me to write, but the analogy came to me and I can't let it go. When I lost my DH, I felt that my link to Mother Earth was severed. My life was turned upside down. I couldn't relate to the happenings here anymore and I felt like I was floating through space...untethered to the mother ship. A few months into the fog, a young woman I will be forever grateful to, gave me a stack of books and the corner of a small piece of paper with YWBB.org written on it. She was a widow herself and said "This might help you". How right she was. From my first days of just reading, to my days of posting, I was gradually able to reconnect with life. I did it through YWBB and finally felt tethered again to something real, to something meaningful, to a place where I was understood. Time passed and I began to take the mother ship for granted. It never entered my mind that it wouldn't be there. I grew up in my widowhood there. I met many wonderful friends, I learned who I was as an individual and met and married my most amazing Chapter Two love there. How could it be gone? Soon after I learned of its loss, I reacted in a very similar way to other losses. By no means does it match the unfathomable loss of my first love, but as a secondary loss, it has still taken its toll. As with other losses, I have tried to save relics of what it meant to me. I've reread posts and responses, private messages and laughed at some of the crazy things we did. I've mourned those who are not even here to witness this. I've cried real tears. So the mother ship is gone. I must now move forward without it. Thankfully I feel able. But it is not without feeling tremendous loss. Take care, Bluebird

Makes sense @AndysWife - agree completely. I can see how this article would be helpful. Thanks for sharing it. A lot of it spoke to me too.

So far 2/4 runs for the week done and 2/3 strength workouts. Darn snow is going to make getting the other two runs in kind of challenging....maybe we'll catch a break and not get so much accumulation!

Thanks for the article. I had not seen it before. Yes it's long, but well written and very intersting. I can relate to the three factors that, if present, might lead to a higher risk of suicide. My DH had two of the three factors but admitted to me that he was afraid to take the action needed to end his life. He perceived himself a coward so instead, he drank himself to death. One thing I missed from the article is an exploration of mental illness as an underlying factor. Take care, Bluebird

@mixelated, Welcome to widda.org and I'm so sorry for the loss that brought you here. I hope you will find some comfort as you and your children grapple with the loss of your husband. I relate very much to the way you think of life as before his disease flared up and after. I tend to think of my life with my husband that way too. I hope that with time you will begin to feel your pain ease. For me, 5 years after losing my husband, the pain is less present on a day to day basis. It is still with me when I intentionally reflect on the details of his life and his loss, but most times, it is held in a safe place somewhere inside and I am able to enjoy the many gifts that have come my way. I hope the same will be true for you too. Take care, Bluebird

A Tout Jamais, Thank you for this wonderful post. It is beautifully written and captures my hopes about what we can do for each other here. Take care, Bluebird

Hi Skitwin, that suggestion had also been previously proposed, and a thread started by another member. Unfortunately it raises a few problems, the first being the copyright of YWBB and the second being our inability to gain permission from the very many contributors. As a result, after gaining input from the rest of the moderator team, as well as soliciting feedback from members who have swung by this section recently, WifeLess and I agreed to remove the thread. This was a very tough call since we agreed it was valuable for many members, including both of us. We hope you will join us in contributing to the new thread here? Take care, Bluebird

@Carey, thank you deeply for writing this amazing post and getting the "Gates of Hell" thread started in our new home here on widda.org. There is so much of your story that I can relate to, I hardly know where to begin. I guess I'll share some of my own gates of hell story..... I married my DH when I was quite young. He was an exuberant person who loved life and who loved to have a good time. He was intelligent and funny and a great friend. By the time he died, I had been in a relationship with him for 26 years, 24 of those years as husband and wife. Alcoholism wasn't always in our lives, but alcohol was always in the picture. I remember in the early years, if we fought, it was because he had already had his first drink of the day (or two or three) before we were about to go out for the evening. I could never understand why he would get started so early, when we would be going out soon. Back then, I didn't see it as alcoholism, I thought he was perhaps a problem drinker. I also remember that when my DH wasn't the happy exuberant person, he was deeply depressed. He would say that he had a dark cloud that wouldn't lift. Sometimes that dark cloud lasted many many months. During those months, drinking was worse. About 6 years before my DH died, I remember very clearly a scary time where he had severe stomach pains. He looked frightened and I asked if he wanted me to take him to the hospital. At first he said no, but then he said yes. It turned out that he was suffering from his first attack of acute pancreatitis. My denial was so thick, that when his doctor told me there were two common causes 1)Gallstones or 2)Alcoholism, I said they better start looking for gallstones! During that hospitalization he also had his first major withdrawal. He hallucinated, thought he could float, saw animals and monsters outside his hospital window and began fighting treatment. They restrained him, but after he broke through two sets of restraints, he was placed in a coma....they were worried he would kill himself with the fight. The hospital let me know there was a 20% chance he wouldn't make it out alive. I remember walking the halls of the hospital, tears streaming down my face, looking for a priest to share my pain and shame. The hospital minister was nowhere to be found and I realized I was alone with this. I had not yet told our son, who was around 11 at the time. I just told him that Daddy was sick. DH made it out of hospital and determined that he would never drink again. Two weeks later he was charged with his first DUI and two weeks after that he entered inpatient rehab for the first time. During that time, our son and I participated in family therapy, and we were both hopeful that DH would respond well to rehab and fight the monster of alcoholism. Life after that rehab was truly the gates of hell for all of us. My DH became increasingly astute at protecting his supply of alcohol...hiding it in multitudes of places all over our home. Our son became less and less trusting of our family home, and who could blame him. He came home as little as possible, spending more and more time out of the house. I became a stressed out woman with two faces. The face I put on to go to work, to be responsible, lead my team, earn a living. The face I put on to go home, hard, angry, frustrated and on edge. I would look down at my hands as I drove home each day...they were gripped so hard onto the steering wheel that my knuckles were white. I was always wondering what I would discover when I got home. Sometimes I would discover my husband bruised and bleeding. Sometimes I would discover him with joints dislocated. Sometimes he would be attempting a withdrawal and I would discover a man who was hallucinating and then who would go into seizures. The thought of the damage to his body and his mind, the damage to our son's security, makes me feel so nauseous, I want to throw up. Ultimately, my DH suffered a brain bleed that led to a stroke and signaled his final downward spiral. It was during this time that I FINALLY understood and fully embraced that he was unable to alter his course, that he would die from his addiction and there was nothing I could do to stop it. That realization was a gift from my Higher Power. It made me more compassionate, it removed my anger and bitterness, and it helped me realize my job was to take care of myself and our son, and love my DH anyway. Many would be reading at this point and saying "Why didn't you .....(leave, try tough love, protect your son better)....And my best response is that I tried it all. With some time and distance from my DH's loss, I believe the time for our choices to live life differently was really a lot earlier in his illness when neither of us truly knew what we were grappling with. With the help of alanon, I was able to make amends to my DH for some of the terrible ways I behaved during the times when the gates of hell felt firmly shut. He forgave me, as I forgave him the horrors that were visited upon our home as a result of alcoholism. I found it hardest to make amends to our son. I wanted him to know how deeply sorry I was for not being there during the time he needed me most. I was there physically, and I tried to make choices that would protect him, but I was so busy staring at his father's illness, preoccupied with fixing the latest tragic impact, that I wasn't there enough for our son. Several years after DH died, I finally got the nerve to make amends. To openly and honestly give our son my assessment of my wrong doings and apologize to him. He was very uncomfortable and told me that he knows I did the best I could. He also didn't want me "making up for it" for the rest of my life. As a result, he is a fiercely independent young man and father now, and he has told me that I am THE person he trusts most in the world. For this I am grateful. I don't deserve it, but I am grateful. It has been very painful for me to revisit the gates of hell. As I thought about writing this post, I realized that my grief and pain has never left. It is put in a safe place somewhere in my heart where it doesn't prevent me from moving forward with living the best life I know how. I also want to offer some hope to anyone reading this who is perhaps still dealing with very active pain and grief from their loss. When my DH died, I thought life for me would at best become vanilla. I didn't think I could live life well again, I didn't think I could trust enough to love again, and I did not think the word "joy" would be in my vocabulary. I was wrong on all fronts.

I got my 4 runs in last week, same goal this week plus two strength training sessions. Started out today with 3.1 miles on my local streets. Strength training tomorrow...a little work on my legs and back/bicepts.

Hi Carey, I think it's a great idea to start a new "Gates of Hell" thread. I would hesitate at copying the entire first post, since the member who posted it can't be asked for permission. If you are interested, perhaps you could get it started and let us know the part of that post that had an impact for you in quotes? Part of the power of it was the very many posts that followed. The best we can do is begin to recreate it for those who are continuing their journey with this board. I for one would contribute. Take care, Bluebird.

Can anyone get me contact info for Lauren?? I really would like to get the youngwidow and ywbb domain names if they are going to let them go. Lewis Hi Lewis, I did a public search of the 501c3 status of YWBB and came across some contact information that may be helpful to you. Will send via a private message.

Hi everyone, after some discussion among the admin and moderator team, as well as input from a member of the board, WifeLess and I decided to remove the post "Gates of Hell" that was copied from YWBB. Unfortunately it breached YWBB copyright. In addition permission from the members who contributed to it was not received. This was a very tough call since we agreed it was valuable for many members, including both of us. Take care, Bluebird

Got my 4th run in today and PR'd my pace! Yay!

To run a 5k? Bluebird might have better ideas on how to train for this than me. I am training for a ? marathon 5/2. I think I need a nutrition goal. I'm training for a half too Mangomom! Mine is 4/19. Congratulations on winning your challenge! 10" is incredible!!!! Perhaps you could think about working on the quality of your diet in some way? I find that sometimes it's good to give my body a break after calorie restricting, but so I don't lose progress, I try and enhance quality. Like making a choice to eliminate any added sugars, or cutting out soda. My personal goal right now is to maintain and eat enough protein so I don't lose muscle mass with all the running I'm doing.

Thanks Sugarbell. I will try. Sometimes I can't watch films that take me all the way back to our lives...but I will try.

Thanks everyone for your responses. @Sugarbell, I think it's incredibly brave that you are coming out regarding your addiction and recovery. I have only recently been able to be open about my husband's cause of death. Not in all circles, but in many I am able to say that my husband died from the consequences of chronic late stage alcoholism. In some cases I was met with shocked reactions, in others, understanding. @Andyswife, that's so true. Our task is to find meaning for our lives after their loss, whatever that is for us. @keeptrying. Truly understanding the experience of an addict/alcoholic IS really hard. When my DH was spiraling out of control, I became a truly horrible person myself. I took it personally when I saw him throw opportunities to recover away, when he took actions that preserved his ability to drink despite horrific pain for me and our son. I became a very angry and betrayed woman. When I understood, in a mind and heart way, that he had a disease that had hold of him...I was able to accept that it was completely out of his control in the later stages of the disease. It helped me be more compassionate and to love him anyway.

Hey Virgo. This week I aimed for 3 strength training days and 4 running days. So far I'm 2/3 strength, and 3/4 running. Two days to go...

OneNow, Our stories are different and yet...your story resonates so deeply. Thank goodness for the compassion and insight you were blessed with. Even if that compassion was uneven, as it was for me, it was a blessing for both of you, as it was for us. I'm so glad you found our new board and I wish you much peace on this next phase of your journey. Take care, Bluebird.

Stephen and I on our wedding day, a very long time ago! And Stephen hanging with our son...one of my favorites!

Fantastic news! Yay!

I've always known that after the loss of my DH, that I had major work to do to discover who I was as an individual. Being part of a couple for such along time, I thought I knew who I was, and it turned out I had no clue. Much of the work I did, thinking about new things, testing out ideas, expressing concerns etc. was done among my peers at YWBB. To have the archive of that journey taken from me...not just my original posts, but the reactions and feedback of others, the recollection of the feelings I felt when I learned something...that was all taken. It feels about the same as I felt when I learned last week that my childhood home is about to be sold now that my Dad has passed away. At least the sale of my childhood home made some sense to me. I guess I should have been wise enough to realize that the hallowed ground of YWBB wasn't as safe and secure as I thought. The experience has made me feel insecure, sad and will ultimately harden me.

Great post and thank you for following your instincts! I was in tears at the realization of all that will be lost from YWBB. It felt even more painful because it came so suddenly and without the respect of providing an explanation. The reasons may be very good, but it seems we will never know. All that there is to do now is put one foot in front of another and rebuild. I can't have benefited from YWBB as much as I have and not help with that rebuilding. Cheers, Bluebird

Hi everyone, The One Fit Widow Nonprofit website has a section for "Tools and Tips" for Widows and Widowers. I've updated that section to remove the reference to YWBB and include our new home. If you're interested, please take a look at the website: http://www.onefitwidow.com/tools-tips-for-widows-widowers/ If you have any suggestions, please let me know. Cheers, Bluebird