Bluebird

I LOVE LOVE this thread! It's awesome to hear the victories people are having in fitness. Well, I did get my last planned long run before the half, but instead of 12 miles, I thought "f-it...I'm going the whole way" and ran 13.1! Yes, Bluebird said "f-it" ;D There's two AWESOME things about this! I can do it AND the relief of knowing this is bringing back the joy to my training. LOVE IT! This week my goal is 4 runs, but much less mileage. I also just bought 10 sessions of Hot Yoga with an Amazon Local deal for $39!!!! Woot! I hope I like hot yoga LOL.

(((((Iron Bear)))))), I'm sorry to hear that you are struggling. I'm so glad you shared it here with us. One day at a time right? Hoping you wake in the morning with a little less darkness and a lot more light. Take care, Bluebird

ATJ, Thank you for this amazing and thought provoking post on rebuilding. I wish rebuilding and reclaiming "self" were as easy as a house renovation. Tear it down, redesign it, build the new self and presto! For me, the process was very different. The first step in my rebuilding started well before my DH died. I was participating in a family therapy session with him in the second of his inpatient alcohol rehab programs. As part of a workshop exercise, each of the patients were asked to place their family and friends around the room in a circle using audience members as substitutes for the real people. My husband placed his parents and sibling across the other side of the room. He placed our son on his right, but a little away from him to protect him. And he placed me directly behind him, because I have his back. When asked why he placed everyone the way he did, he shared his thoughts. But when I was asked for my reaction I began crying. When the therapist asked why I was crying I said it was because I was not placed in the right place. I realized that instead of being beside him, or even having his back, I was taking complete responsibility for everything he did. I was him. I was so totally enmeshed in saving him from himself, I had become a pseudo DH. This realization brought me tremendous awareness about myself, and my lack of distinct identity - and it shook me to the core. I began to explore, in my thoughts and actions, stepping back from being DH and understanding me. What do I want, what do I like, what do I prefer? Another element of my rebuilding was the development of my spiritual self. When I understood that I had become enmeshed with my DH's life beyond normal relationship boundaries, I found myself walking into the rooms of Alanon. I was taught there how to focus on my personal development, not on the lives of others. The process of self discovery led me to a deeply held belief in a power greater than myself. My belief is not in a traditional definition of God, but rather in a belief in Good. It is this belief that has helped me weather the storms of grief, has helped me wake up each morning with the confidence of a new day and to trust in the way of the universe. It has not protected me or my friends from bad things happening to them, but it has given me a way to get beyond suffering, to coping to moving forward optimistically, at least so far. I'm not in the zen zone by any stretch of the imagination...I still feel anger at injustice and despair with difficulties, but my belief in a higher power is a lifeline. When my DH died, another great milestone was reached about 5-6 months later. One day I was walking with a friend and I was struck by the sudden realization that it was possible I could love another again. I was thinking a lot at that time about my future. Could I be satisfied as a professional woman who is a mother and grandmother? I thought so for a while. But one day, I realized I wanted love in my life again. I had no clue how that would happen, and I certainly felt that if it was to happen it would be a miracle since I was not going to hunt for it, but I accepted this about myself within the first year of DH's loss. I am certain I am not done rebuilding. I doubt I ever will be. For me, the steps above were less about "doing" and more about insights that came to me and then "allowing". I'm generally a person who likes to keep everything in order and be master of my destiny, but in the cases where massive transformation have occurred, I have instead Let Go and Let Good. Sorry for my long lost ATJ....your post and others responses really unlocked something for me. Thank you! Bluebird

Thinking of you Donna P. We are in the same "widow class" and I've so appreciated sharing this road with you. I'm glad you have arrived at the place where Mick will remain deeply cherished, but you can let go of the things. Hugs hon. Take care, Bluebird

Sorry to hear it Marian...hoping you get some relief soon from the stressors in your life right now. Take care, Bluebird

I got a good run in today - pulling back on strength for a few weeks because of my work schedule. Last long run (12 miles) sometime between this Friday and Monday before I taper for the half. Woo Hoo!

Hi ColSavMama, Welcome to widda.org although I'm very sorry you have reason to be here. Dealing with the anger is so hard, particularly in a marriage that had its share of troubles. My marriage was one of those also, although my husband was more than a drinker, he was an alcoholic. As a result, the erosion of our marriage before he died was something that made me feel very angry for a time. Please keep coming back to share your thoughts and vent your anger. There are many here who have experienced it and expressing it to people that get it may help. I also want to suggest that you consider looking through the suicide/addiction/DV section - while the title of the section may not apply to your situation, sometimes those with troubled marriages find some common issues and much support there. Take care, Bluebird

MissingSquish! This is a gem. In Alanon there were members who expressed gratitude that their lives were affected by alcoholism. When I first heard this it sounded insane to me. But with many years, and a little wisdom, there are parts of my growth that I owe to alcoholism taking hold of my husband and affecting my family. I will be forever hateful of the disease of alcoholism and forever grateful for what I learned.

Lost35, I'm sorry you're having a hard day - those wishes are heartbreaking. It's amazing isn't it how seeing something like that sepia photo in a place that almost vibrates with its familiarity can plunge us into sadness? Hoping that a new day brings you a little less sadness. Take care, Bluebird

Good point klc, great loss once doesn't protect us from future losses! WHEN am I going to finally accept that?! I guess I have (mostly) I just forget every now and then. Focusing on the here and now is really the best thing we can do.

@ATJ, we're not the "fast trackers" 😀 There are absolutely times when I'm running the race and I stumble and fall flat on my face...Like when I see his handwriting unexpectedly, or I wonder whether the people that bought the house he renovated are caring for it the way they should, or I think about how our son must feel without his father at this crucial stage of his life. These and many other incidents have a way of slowing me down, but they don't seem to stop me for as long.

Mokie, that's a great point about the workplace. While I was actively grieving, being at work was really hard, but over time, I found my passion for what I did return. And yes, "Life is Short" can empower some amazing choices that I would not have otherwise made. You are boldly living the life you have and that's fantastic! Kmouse, one of the things you wrote about nuking gigantic sphincters...made me laugh, but it rings true for me too. I made a huge decision to leave a company that I perceived was not doing the right thing by its people, and followed my heart. I've also chosen to associate less with toxic people who spend the vast majority of their time critiquing everyone but themselves. Earlier in grief, I may have simply put up with it because I didn't have the energy to deal with it. Now I do. ATJ, I think you should absolutely post your topic. It is one thing to say, these are the things happening in my life that make me realize life is looking up, it's quite another to have insight on how they arrived. In some cases I don't know, but in others, I can see there were choices I made, and followed through on, that led to an outcome I'm happy with. Understanding the process may be even more helpful than knowing positive outcomes occur? LisaPop, I love what you wrote about acknowledgement. Acknowledgement of our loss and acknowledgement of an identity for us as individuals beyond "widow". Getting to understand who I am without it being about who I was with DH was one of the more fascinating parts of this difficult road. I have to admit, I still struggle with the fear of loss, it raises it's ugly head every now and then. But then I realize that if I let fear hold me back, I'm not living the lesson that Mokie pointed out in her post "Life is short"

Hi everyone, I took a moment to read all the section descriptions for our message board and started thinking about the description for this section. In part, it states that life is beginning to look up. That's certainly true for me in so many ways, and I'm interested to hear how life is beginning to look up for others who are beyond active grieving. I'll start by sharing a few of the ways that life is looking up: - I no longer start many of my conversations with "I am a widow" - I approach life in general with more optimism - I'm more inclined to trust in the good in the world than look for the bad. - Thoughts about my DH focus more on his life than his death. - I learned that I could love another again. What about you? How is life looking up?

Hi Trying, When my DH died my son was 17 and I was extremely worried about him. He was all at once torn between dealing with his own feelings of grief, wondering what he needed to do to take care of me (I only learned of this later), and his 8 month old son (that's another story!) At the time I recall his mood was extremely variable - alternating between quiet and introverted, to angry and back again....His grades plummeted and I was fearful he may not graduate with his class from High School. Every day was a challenge in those earlier months - would he wake up?, would he go to school? Would he stay there? Would he pass his exams? It was harrowing. And he refused therapy. I was also on alert ALL THE TIME. Fearful that somehow, I might lose him too...that he would slip through the cracks and disappear. Was he depressed? I don't know. Was he grieving? Absolutely! Was he exhibiting teen-like behavior? For sure! But I could never tell which was which and given my hyper-alert state, I was probably the worst person to figure it out. Unfortunately, I and his girlfriend and friends, were all he would let in. I'm so glad you've been able to get professional help for your son. One thing that I found helpful in the situation with my son was to cultivate quiet times for us to talk. I sometimes shared some grief reaction I was having and asked him if he experienced it...like did he ever experience someone asking him something absurd, or making a DGI statement? Or did he ever feel like he'd come home one day and DH would be there? Or what's the funniest thing we could remember DH doing? It would start the most amazing honest discussions that I believe helped both of us. It was through one of these conversations I learned that he felt he had to take care of me. We talked about his responsibilities and mine and the idea that we're both old enough to be responsible for ourselves, with the support of each other. I offer this up, I know it's nothing special, but it really helped both of us and with time, he started to move forward in his grief and start to pursue his own life goals. I hope your son will be able to find a way to express his feelings and that the veil of grief will lift for him soon. In the mean time, I think you're doing an amazing job getting him to therapy. Take care, Bluebird

Made up for the missing miles on my long run last Friday, today...Woot! That means I accomplished both my strength and running goals this week. Same goals for next week. Also truly admiring the efforts everyone is putting forth to move and take care of themselves. Awesome!

Botched my long run badly today. My body was fine, my mind wasn't in the game. I completed 5/11 miles. Will try to add the missing 6 to my run on Sunday.

I achieved my goal of 3 sessions of strength training this week! I often skip the leg workout because I fear frozen legs when I run. However i scaled back a little on legs and still "felt it" but was not debilitated! I've also completed 2/4 runs. Tomorrow will be my second last long run (11 miles), before I begin my taper for the race. I've stopped trying to push pace and I'm simply going for mileage now. Slow is slow and it isn't suddenly going to become fast if keep pushing....and I would probably injure myself. I'm starting to create my playlist for the race which is great fun! My taste in music is undoubtedly eclectic ......

Fantastic news! Thrilled for you!

Ginger, thank you for pulling all of this together. It's an excellent resource list!

ATJ, Your writing is nothing short of phenomenal - in part because of the beautiful use of our language, but also because of the emotion and insight that is conveyed. Thank you! As I read your thoughts about hope and new beginnings, I thought of the word "cope". It's how I describe what I do, or try to do, somewhere between despair and hope. Despair is when I feel most alone. Coping certainly isn't an ideal existence, but for me, when difficult things come my way in life, it's how I can move forward, even if I am without hope. Sometimes, I am surprised that my coping has led to a more favorable result than I dared hope for...and then it arrives....hope! Take care, Bluebird

Mac, This is a very sweet post and I'm glad you have those words. I recall the final conversation I had with my DH. It was (I think) two days before he died. I can't be certain because somehow my brain has muddled the days and conversations. I had traveled overseas to see my family and my DH didn't attend because he didn't feel strong enough. When I returned, I had to stop in Chicago for a business meeting and our last two conversations were while I was there and he was at home in PA. We were joking a little and I told him I brought him junk food from Australia. I listed what I bought, but then had to admit I'd already eaten at least one of the items and had my eyes on another. He said "Don't you eat all the junk food - leave some for me!" I promised I would but never got to give it to him. It's a sweet moment I'm glad we had...we were both very much at ease and "us". Take care, Bluebird

If only this were true... Maureen Maureen, I "liked" your post to empathize, not because I think the pain you feel is good. Hugs hon.

Hi everyone, Thanks so much for the thoughtful responses. I honestly thought the "mothership" analogy might not resonate but I wanted to share the feelings I had, and that is what this place is for. I also wanted to comment on the implications of a 501c3 and "Professional Widow" service provider. Before I do, I want to disclose that I am independent consultant, and I'm currently working for another widow/er oriented nonprofit, that was started by someone that I think might qualify as a professional widow as I've seen it defined here. In my first hand experience of working behind the nonprofit scenes, I can say that the heart of our Founder is firmly in the right place. Her hopes and aspirations come from a deep desire to help others in their journey survive their losses and live a meaning-filled life. My sense is that this is also true of her peers. 501c3's have strict rules preventing the financial benefit of the founders and board. In our case, the founders receive no payment at all. The founder also has a "for profit" business that includes widowed people, but is not exclusively provided to widowed people. Some might say that she is cashing in on her widowhood. My perception is that the widowed who participate, really love the idea that a widow leads the business. Some would be absolutely turned off by this concept...and I'm certain they will exercise their choice not to participate. I guess my point here is different strokes for different folks. My personal view is that if some life experience has shaped your calling into a field, then absolutely you should go for it! As long as you are ethical and qualified....i can't think of anything better. The experience of the loss of YWBB and then seeing the amazing effort that has gone into getting widda.org off the ground has shown me that it's a HUGE responsibility. To ensure quality of the board, I think we should have a diverse pool of moderators and that they should be rotated at routine intervals. To help ensure the board is durable over the long haul, I think the founder may want to consider starting a board of directors (volunteers) and perhaps rotate them over time too. Finally, if we do get to a place where sustainability is a problem for the founder or board, I hope that the options considered are not just fundraise or perish, but instead that we might seek to transition the very valuable asset that the message board is to a new provider, keeping the asset intact. 501c3's cannot be sold, but their assets (cash and other assets such as services provided) by law need to be transferred to another provider who is providing similar services. Take care, Bluebird

Love it AC! I got my third strength training in today! Yay! Third run tomorrow - will not get 4 in, but I'm happy with what I achieved this week. Next week: - 4 runs - 3 strength training sessions - A one minute plank every day

Hi K_J, I've never seen the matrix movies, although I've seen ads for them. I think the outfits would make really cool halloween costumes! I think it would be very sweet to be Trinity...honoring your part in your relationship with M. I can't help but think that our deceased partners would want us to grab life and live it with no holds barred! I say go for it! Take care, Bluebird!