NicY

AubreeAnn, I am only at the 3 months mark and I have days where I just don't want to be here anymore. I have a 12 year old daughter and people keep telling me I have to live for her. I can't even comprehend that..why should I when the pain is just too much to bear. When I am no longer the mom I used to be. What's the point when your partner and soulmate is gone for good? These dark thoughts consume my mind and heart every so often. But I have learned that when it does I need to let myself feel the pain, anger and disappointment. So, I sit and cry my heart out. I let it all out and often feel better after a damn good cry. Funny thing is I feel connected to my husband and my daughter afterwards. I am not suggesting you do the same. I just want you to know that you're not alone and I feel it too. Take care of yourself xx

Hi Dean47, I completely understand how you are feeling. I am 6 six weeks out and like you I am aware that this is a new life moving forward and things will be very very different. I worry about how I will cope with this new life. We are an expatriate family living in Singapore and with R's sudden death I will be moving back to Australia with my 11 year-old daughter in two months. It has been 10 years since we been on the move for his job, so going back without R is a very very scary thought. I don't know how I will adjust to life as a single parent, will I make new friends and if I can find a job. In addition, I will be leaving behind good friends who have been my lifeline since R's passing. This is an added stress for me. Like you, I have been wondering if happiness will one day find its way back into my life. It seems impossible at this stage but I am telling myself to be patient and just ride the waves for now. Friends tell me to live one day at a time. As a control freak who likes to make plans, this is a struggle. However, I know with clarity that I want to honour R's legacy and live a life that's worthy of his love and sacrifice, and also to raise my daughter to be the person he would be proud of. I'd like to believe that I can live a meaningful and purposeful life one day when I feel better. May you channel your love for your sweet sweet Nicole into your inner strength and let it shine when the darkest hour falls on you.

Thank you all for your comforting words of wisdom. It is indeed heartening to hear what I am going through is "normal". I am sitting tight and will ride the waves as all of you have pointed out. It is one scary ride but I know there is no way to get off now. Today is our wedding anniversary and I am feeling so numb. I miss him so much I don't know what to do.

Hi I am new to this forum. My husband (who just turned 45) passed away suddenly 6 weeks ago and I am not sure where I am. Some days I feel like I am here, some days I am just wondering around aimlessly. Everything is a blur. The days are long but the nights are longer. I cry everywhere and anytime. However this week, I have been having moments where I feel light and calm when I reflect on his death and a future without him. This often happens when I am taking my long walks. It feels strange that I should have this feeling when my heart still cries out for him. Following this calmness, I usually have a more positive and upbeat mindset of my life. I tell myself I can go on this dreaded journey and I will be fine again. While it feels good to be able to tell myself this, I am worried that my mind is playing tricks on me. I worry that it will all come crashing down one day when I least expect it. My husband was a very positive, cheerful and optimistic person. He also has the uncanny ability to appreciate things and people for what they are. Throughout our 19 years of marriage he was my rock. He helped me to see things from a different perspective when I am upset or down. I'd like to think that he's guiding me on this course and giving me some of his positive energy.