AubreeAnn

I had a month off. My employer put me on partial disability. They have been amazing to me while I'm on this journey. When I decided to go back at first, I would go from 8 to noon. Then I would gradually stay a little longer after two weeks of going from 8 to noon. I eventually worked up to staying a full day. It was so hard at first but getting into a routine and having something to do was a huge thing for me. I needed that month off but also, I was in a DARK place and the alone time was scary too. I do think going back could be beneficial but take as much time as you need. Also, have a place where you can retreat to and have some moments to yourself if you need them. Don't be too hard on yourself and do what makes you most comfortable.

Gosh where to begin. I lost my love at the end of April. I'm not sure how to feel about the time that has passed. Whether it feels so long ago or just like yesterday. Both at the same time. Lately I've felt guilty for not having breakdowns and for not feeling so hopeless all the time. Grief is so strange. It's something I run from and run to. I've found comfort there, as strange that sounds. I'm scared I'm avoiding my loss so much and when then second year comes around, I won't be able to come back from it. More often than not I have found out that joy and grief can reside in the same place. But I have to teach myself to let them do that. I think what's taking up a good amount of my thoughts is that this won't ever end. I won't get to the top of the hill and it'll go away. I've come to see grief as a person I'm forever chained to. We have to learn to do things together, how to move together so our movements become fluid, how to carry the weight of this other person when it tries to hold me back. I have to learn to adjust. It's hard and everyday I wish that I could go back and that this isn't my life. Just letting things off my chest. I'm wishing you all the best XO[/quot

I can understand what you mean by avoidance. I talked to my therapist about avoidance and she asked me, "If you let everything hit you at once, what do you think would have happened?" And I told her "Self destruction". Self destruction and ending it all was something that I kept close to me, as an outlet for when it all became too much. I can't image what would have happened if I didn't have avoidance in the very beginning. I truly don't think I would be here. I think about that conversation almost everyday. You know what has happened, you know the situation you're in, you just need to let it come when it comes and don't be too hard on yourself. As of now and to an extent, avoidance has been a friend of mine. One day I'll be thankful that I took things slow and not all at once. Do what you need to survive, that's all we can really do for ourselves. Try to survive.

Thank you both. Unfortunately the loss isn't considered as "severe" by society if you aren't married. I lost my future just like other widows. Your guidance helps. Thank you so much.

I am unmarried. We knew we were going to spend the rest of our lives with each other. We were going to be married I the coming year and a half. Do I still call myself a widow if we weren't married? What do I say to someone who asks if I have a significant other?

Since I've been back to work, it's been a distracting and has confused me emotionally. Being at work made me feel like I've gone back to my "old" me. It's very hard to explain but I feel like there are two of me. One at work and one at home. They are different and being the work "me" has fooled me into thinking I've been making it. The past few days I got a good knock down and I felt like I did in the first week. So much despair and pain. Dark thoughts and emotions. I'm not equipped to do this and I don't feel like I should have to. I have to testify at a trial against the monster that did this. I'm not strong enough for that, or the life without my love in general. I can't. I can't. I can't.

July is so hard. His favorite holiday is in July, his birthday is in July and our anniversary is in July. It's all just so hard. I just want to squeeze my eyes closed as tight as I can, grab my head and just hold myself like that until all of this disappears and when I open my eyes it'll all be okay and back to the way it should be and he and I would be cuddled in bed watching his favorite show like we always did. He was always here to make me feel better, to feel safe. UGH why can't this all just be a bad dream? :'(

Sending you hugs and prayers

Sending you hugs Sandrine!!

Thank you all and thank you for the male perspective TofinoMan. It's really comforting to hear. Between my love and I, we were always touching. I always took his hand when I had the chance, even when we were sleeping I would grab his hand to hold. He never denied me that. I was always holding his hand, kissing him, hugging and snuggling with him. He was the same way with me so I know I never annoyed him. I always told him I loved him too. I just wish he was here to confirm those thing ya know. Thank you so much again for the point of view. I appreciate it and everyone else who responded to my post. Thankful for you all.

Long story short. My love and I weren't moved in with one another yet. He had his own house and a lot of my stuff resides over there. I spent 4 days a week with him at his house and 3 days at my parents house. Living out of bags pretty much because I was always back and forth. Now, with his house in his dad's possession, his dad said "I don't know if I can live there, it'd be too hard. If I don't live there then I want you to have it". He would give me his house. As of now, when I go in the house I feel weak and I break down everytime. It's hard to go in a place that we shared so much love and him not being there with me. Due to the legal system, the house would be "legally" in his dad's hand in about a year. So I have a year I guess to decide. Im a planner and over thinker so as you can imagine I've been going through this so much in my head. I'm 50/50 on my decision. I'm 23 and the responsibility of a home doesn't scare me. Tyler knew I took on challenges. I know in the end it's all my choice, but I would really like opinions/stories/thoughts from you all. It would mean a lot. I've been praying and asking for guidance a lot from God and from my Tyler. P.S. I read somewhere to get a coin that once belonged to your loved one and when you want help with a question or something, you assign the sides of the coin and then you flip it. It's like your loved one is helping you make the decision. I did that and flipped the coin 3 times (to be extra sure) and the coin landed on "yes move in". I had asked my Tyler what he wanted me to do before I flipped it and I got the same answer each time. Some might think it's chance or doesn't make sense that I do that, but what does make sense in a time like this?

I'm so sorry someone said that to you. I haven't experienced this because I'm only a few months into my loss. For what it's worth, I don't think it's a bad thing that you speak of your wife like that. It's not fair to you to keep those memories to yourself, to not reference her because you feel like you shouldn't (if that's the case). Wishing you all the best.

I've read a few posts about going back to work and how hard it is for people and I hope this will give some insight to somebody. I've recently made it back to work about a month after I lost my love (I lost him this April on the 21st). Every morning I wake up late, lay in bed with such a heavy sensation in my chest and I don't want to go. But I wake up, I shower, sometimes I do my hair and I drive to work. It's hard. Everyday is so so hard but I do it. It gives me a chance to get out of the deepest darkest place I've ever been at due to loss and grief. I've found myself smiling a few times and laughing a few times too. Not a full gut belly laugh but I laugh. I listen to the Netflix series that I've been watching over and over the past two months to distract my mind from my own thoughts which in return, helps me focus on work. The one thing I realized (for myself) is that being at work is hard. But it gives me a small mental break. We are constantly thinking about everything involving our loss, it's good to give your mind a break. Believe me, I of course still think about it a lot at work but being there demands my focus on other things. The biggest thing I've noticed is that it being there gives me control. EVERYTHING in my life has been out of my control since I lost my love. My thoughts, feelings, emotions, and everything else that a human being can experience has been out of control. Being at work gives me control of something. It is somewhat a stabilizer in my life. I'm hoping this will give someone a small perspective of what going back to work can mean. Like I said, it's so so so hard and I know. But in the chaos that we are all living in, this is something that you can control when you feel like everything else is out of control.

Thank you all so much. I wish I could hug you all in appreciation for always being here for me. I just wish this wasn't my life and I'm not sure how to make it.

Let it out. As much as you need and as long as you need. Keep an eye on those good things that you are starting to notice. He is close in your heart, always remember that. Giving you big big hugs.