Taurus

But then again, being alone does not hold any fears for me.

 

What?

Being alone does not hold any fears for me.

It's situational. Ebb. Flow.

 

Age of kids dictates a bit. Level of need.

 

It's not a contest.

 

The kids grow up and build lives of their own though so it's important to remember that it will be just you and spouse someday. Nurturing that relationship has to be a priority or why bother to marry?

Different strokes for different folks. I can never envisage a time when my need for a "spouse" or a relationship would over-ride my desire to take care of our girls. But then again, being alone does not hold any fears for me.

Have just been through my second summer...still feels like the first when my beloved left us.

...My boys are doing well. Grades are the highest they have ever been. They are social and outgoing, involved in sports and extracurricular activities and they are the most thoughtful, caring and funny kids I know. I'm so proud of their resilience and strength...

Nice post. Very interesting re. your two boys. My/our 2 daughters are exactly the same - they are handling the loss of their mum a lot better than I am, and they are doing extremely well. Our older graduated with her 3rd degree in May last year - 6 weeks after mum left us. The graduation was very tearful as we remembered her graduation the previous year when we were a whole family  :'( Our young one is top of her class academically and is also a very good athlete and dancer. I often wonder whether she applies herself more and more as a coping mechanism. When we visit mum's gave, I see the pain on their faces and it cuts me up...

Congratulations on your outlook and life adjustments. Contentment..not an unreachable state to aspire to..

Thank you so much for these stories, I like reading them.

 

It is amazing how everyones second guy turns out to be completely different. Which ofcourse makes sense - somehow it wouldn't be right to have a copy of our lost love. We have changed too. And as was pointed out by MrsT85, we are older now.

...

Our departed loves will always be the originals against whom no new partner can compare. At this stage of my journey without my beloved, I'm a spectator watching others and reminiscing about my wife from the many reminders I see day in day out. I'm not the least bit interested in any new relationship as I still have my relationship with my beloved in my memories.

Maybe in a few years' time. And when I do, I will not consciously look for a replica of my beloved. It will have to be someone with whom I can connect with her own personality, attitudes, laughter...

But I'm in no hurry.

My late beloved wife and I had sex the first time we met and went out on a date, we "went steady" for 5-6 months before moving in together, we got married 5 years after we met and we stayed married for 3 days short of 30 years. Portside's comment is way out of order and reflects more of a teenager's attitude to sex-on-the-first-date and mouthing off about it to their "mates".

It's most definitely a generalization and not an indicator of love or depth of grief.  My assumption is that it applies more towards the elderly.  Having worked so many years in geriatrics I have witnessed the power of "will" in survival as well as death.  Some people hang on inexplicably long when they have unfinished business or are waiting for a loved one to come from afar to say goodbye.  While others with seemingly insignificant ailments give up or surrender and are gone quickly.  I don't think healthy younger adults have that kind of power over our strong bodies, which is probably a good thing or we would we see many young widow/ers dying of broken hearts.

My Mum passed away when she was 48 (cancer, never smoked), and my Dad joined her 2 years later at 55, I put it down to a broken heart. He was fit, was not sick, but I believe he just could not live without his soulmate and simply chose to join her! I've seen this happen too many times...

Oedipus complex.

Nothing wrong with it - you're not looking for marriage, just enjoy it. No emotional strings..

No contest...our girls come first.

Congratulations Maureen...so very happy for you.

I am just going to tell him I need a break. And he will want to call and talk talk talk about it..I realized this morning enough is enough. He's a good guy...he's never been mean or anything..he's good to my kids...smart...just not for me. I've tried...several times to end it...and somehow he sneaks back in.

 

I need the mountains like I need air. We try to go every Memorial Day weekend. We aren't going to leave till Sunday afternoon and stay till Tuesday. And even if I told him that I just wanted to go with my kids...he would be hanging around here Fri-Sun...and I would feel obligated to take him to my kids ballgame, my friends graduation party, etc. I don't want to do that..and it has to be a no contact thing...which will hurt him (like blocking him from my phone and FB). because this isn't going to work...

 

Time to big my big girl pants on and just do it.

Good for you...enjoy the fresh mountain air.

So sorry, Jen. You will make it through. One day, one second, one breath at a time.

Jen doesn't want to make it through - she wants to make out  8)

I like a man with an edge but that usually coincides with him being a dick.  The end.

You can't have one without the other...

Yes...FWB...I don't think that could happen..he's too emotionally invested.

 

I need to grow a set of balls and just end it.  I wanted to go to the Mts just me and my kids. My oldest has lived with my parents this semester and I need time with all 3 kids together. He wants a long weekend all 3 of us. He asked me tonight about going to DC and stuff. That's not my idea of getting away. Yet..in the mountains with everything we do...it's just not him. I don't have fun traveling with him with my kids. I mean going to Vegas was fun with him...but not the WV Mts.

 

I am probably not going to go anywhere. Not worth wasting the money if he's with us I will feel suffocated. Plus I have plans on Friday, Saturday and Sunday that I wanted o cancel to go away but not going to.

 

I didn't want to deal with it before we move...but honestly I don't want the baggage starting out in a new place . I hate confrontation...basically I don't do well with full blown relationships. He was a player..he was safe. But now he's changed and I haven't changed...and I feel smothered.

Time with your kids is paramount: they'll grow up too quickly and move out before you know it, so enjoy the time with them now. Just tell NG you want time out with your kids and go to the mountains: if he pulls a sulk, it'll make it easier for you to end it. If he understands, there might be hope yet...

He was a player..he was safe. But now he's changed and I haven't changed...and I feel smothered.

Don't feel pressured into changing. You'll meet someone who will love you for your strength and independence - you'll know when you meet him because you won't feel suffocated and you won't feel imposed upon to change..

 

Yep.  I talk to animals mostly now....

That's the risk of online dating..

I have recently learned that one of my long time friends has apparently turned her back on me....

 

Should I just unfriend her and let her figure it out on her own, or do I owe her an explanation as to why I am ending the friendship?

The fact that she has taken your in-laws' version of events without bothering to get yours is very disappointing to you, and would piss me off no end! You don't owe her an explanation, but rather than emailing or FB-messaging her, I would call her and express your disappointment, and give her the opportunity to apologise and make right the wrong she's done you. If she doesn't accept she was too quick to condemn you without hearing your side, she wasn't the friend you thought she was and you can happily cut her off knowing she caused the rift.

Messaging apps make it far too easy and impersonal for people to "say" things they would not normally say to you in person. Call her: if she doesn't pick up, you've done your best to correct her misinformation.

If you're not convinced it's not permanent, you haven't called it off in your mind...and you're only setting yourself up for more heartache.

Make the hard call now and cut it off totally and move on. He hasn't moved on from his ex: you've been a convenient refuge for him to see whether he could move on but he clearly can't.

Take the hit now. Tough but necessary for your future well-being.

....

But we both know it's going nowhere. Sad thing is....I am fine with it going nowhere.😳

Just be friends - with benefits.

You sound like you've got your head in the right space with regards to maintaining your own space and your own resources. I find it interesting that he had the temerity to factor in using your funds for a deposit on a new house. I also find it peculiar that he's made little or no effort to tidy up his place, if only to impress you.

You sound like you're already halfway down the driveway....good luck with whatever decision you make.

...I have tried to date guys who I thought were "my type" - and every one of them turned out to be complete jerks. Since then I have looked for a new type !

I have yet to see a Part 2 of any movie which comes anywhere near the original....

Good luck on your intrepid journey of discovery 

And kia ora to you too fairlanegirl .

The other issue raised in the article I referenced which blows me away is the high mortality rate of mothers following the passing of a child! Heartbreak is an unseen killer...

Hahaha, love this thread! Wish I had something spicy to add to all the levity...but unfortunately, for the time being, something else in me died with the passing of my beloved wife...

Some brief background...

From the time we met, Debs and I hit it off like the proverbial house on fire: we were compatible in just about every way imaginable, emotionally, intellectually, physically - oh yeah, we had a very healthy and energetic sex life. Before our older girl was born, we would have it 3-4 times a day, sneaking out at lunch from her and my work to imbibe! The frequency dropped off a little with the advent of the second daughter but we still had the hots for each other at least 4-5 times a week right up until her diagnosis.

In the last 13 months, I've had opportunities to just do the physical stuff with females I've met through golf, work, social outings etc...but I have backed away each time for no reason other than it did not feel right, that it felt as if I was betraying her. What made it worse was that each of the females involved bore some physical resemblance to my beloved - tall, slim. They still keep in touch with me but there's no developments in the foreseeable future from my end...

I might be celibate for a few years yet LOL!!

Wow, just found this 2012 article...

http://www.telegraph.co.uk/news/health/elder/9625818/Men-more-likely-to-die-after-losing-their-wife-but-women-carry-on-as-normal.html

Thanks Mike, for your thoughtful and considerate reply. I was not really trying to pass any profound commentary on the relative strengths of each gender: I was curious to see whether anyone else had an opinion on whether male spouses per se survive the loss of their spouses any less than female spouses.

I might google to see if there are any statistics which point to my experience or whether mine is an anomaly. It certainly feels (at least to me) that females survive the loss of a spouse a lot longer than men. I know of only one widower (my beloved's father) who has remarried and survives quite happily after losing his wife some 11 years ago.

..I've posted before about not being motivated like I was before. I work in the social work field, and I had to step down from a management position a few months after DH passed. I used to enjoy my work, but it seems like it's becoming more of a struggle to do it everyday...

 

Sad to hear that, and can identify with your situation. I imagine social work demands so much of yourself, that you were able to provide with DH behind you. Now he's not there, your lack of drive and motivation to continue is understandable..Spending a lot of time with your son may be your escape from people but might be suffocating for him.

How viable is it for you to change employment? This may be the new challenge you need to re-energise yourself and start afresh. Friends? New interests? How about taking up a sport both you and your son can enjoy - like golf?

Life is for the living and I'm determined to live it even with a heavy heart and seemingly constant emptiness. You too can do it...

....

And it's true, we really suit each other and have such good times together...never argued, do lots together, vacations, life, he helps me emotionally when I'm dealing with my sons and their issues. ...

 

Sounds like you've already decided to keep it going in the hope he'll turn the corner. You're the only person best-positioned to decide whether your neediness can drown out the background noise of his ex.

Test his commitment by informing him that you feel you need to date others as his clinginess to his ex is an insult to you.