Pauleena89

It's been almost two months since I've posted here. You can say I locked myself inside myself and have decided to push away all emotion and replace it with work. That only worked for a few weeks. What I have learned about myself is that I put up an amazing front. My whole family and everyone around me simply doesn't give a sh*t anymore and ignores the subject. You can say that I've passed onto anger. I am angry with everyone, I am a dry with my family and friends for making me feel like I should have gotten over it by now. Nowadays all my mom talks about is my dad and his sadness over arguing with his sister, my dad? He hasn't called me once to ask me how I feel. And my in laws, well I haven't heard from them in over two months. But then again, my sweet husband and I didn't keep in contact with the over the last three years. So here I am, all alone with two dogs. My babies, OUR babies. It's harder to get out of bed and extremely hard to listen to other people's stupid problems. And yes I call them stupid because everything but death is fixable so being short on rent or arguing with your sister is a stupid problem. I have never felt this alone, and it's like I've actually asked my mom for help, I've reached out to my family and I got nothing back. I am not even exaggerating, my cousin who is like my brother stopped by twice and his gf and him spent the whole time on their phones, my best friend well she talks about is booking up with guys and how he'd dating is, my mom she's too stuck on my dad and his butt hurtness and my dad well he's too busy being himself and feeling bad for himself. I know I might get some backlash for this, but I am just so angry. Everyone acts like we're all supposed to be passed it like I'm really ok. Like how can I reach out to my family and tell them that I can't handle it and not get any kind of response. Nothing. Is everyone really that self absorbed? Am I crazy? All I hear everyone say is how strong I am, how well I am dealing with this, how my family members couldn't be this put together. ALL I WANNA DO IS STAND ON TOP OF A ROOFTOP AND YELL THAT I AM NOT WELL PUT TOGETHER. I AM NOT STRONG, I AM SURVIVING THAT IS ALL I AM DOING. I AM NOT OK. With each day I miss him more, with each day I realize he's not home waiting for me, he's not telling me I'm beautiful, he's not going to call me and make me laugh, he hasn't sent me any stupid selfies or videos of him laughing, he hasn't come home to me and told me about his day, our puppies haven't seen their daddy, I would give the world for an explation why this is happening and one kiss, one last kiss. I would give up my life for him to have his. I don't know what else to say. I'm just sad, angry and alone in a room full of people who are ignoring me. That's all. I miss you Kochanie ❤️ You are my life ❤️ I love you ❤️

Hello, I'm still not sure how to start these, but first of all I am very sorry for your loss. My husband of 6 months whom I've been with for about 4 years passed away suddenly on May 30th. He was 28, I turned 27 a month after his passing. Let's just say that there was no happiness, I skipped my birthday. Didn't answer the phone. I did receive a birthday bag from a fellow widow which literally made me lose it. I'm about to cry as I write this so I will get to the part that I feel you need to hear. I just like you went back to work, I actually went back a week after my sweet husband passed. We own our own commercial cleaning business and taking time off really wasn't an option, however I had the great idea to go and find another job to make sure I stayed occupied. I go to work, I smile, I laugh I tell jokes and listen to stories. If you met me you would never guess the pain that I feel in my heart. The last 9 weeks have been a blur, one day it feels like he was home yesterday and the next like he's been gone forever and I've been left here to fend for myself. We do not have children. So in reality it is just me and two dogs. What I want you to know is that everyone deals with loss differently. I miss my husband, I cry when I'm home alone, I scream and yell and hug my dogs, kiss his pictures you can safely say that I lose it from time to time, but I think with how much of a front I put on, how much I try to seem normal, how much I block that he's not here anymore I don think it's weird or not normal. I can function, I have no choice but to function. What I will tell you is that it was easier to get out of bed a few weeks ago. It gets harder each day, each day I realize a little more that he's not home waiting for me, he's not going to text me and say he loves me or cuddle me to sleep. I hope you stay strong as you have been, and what you are feeling is normal do not feel bad.

I am right where you are. It's been a week and two days. And I'm staring at walls, checking this board and looking at dinning room tables (he was going to make me a table for my birthday which is two weeks away) and crying... Pretty sure I will be at this point forever. I don't want to be this person, I want the person I was when he was here. But I read about all these other women who have moved on, and found some meaning in life. I too have about 50 years before we meet again, as I quietly hope that it's less. I just want to be with him already. I don't want this life without him, seems like a really sad movie. All I can say is we will somehow all get through this, I hope. Even though sometimes it seems like time is standing still and yet it's moving too fast at the same time. Those 2 weeks and 2 days feel like they were yesterday and sometimes it feels like it's been months. I hope you hang in there, and I truly hope it gets a little easier for both of us. Thinking of you!

It's been a few days since I've written anything. I don't know what I feel anymore. Empty? The world empty comes to mind. I've found a job, actually two jobs so I will be doing both.. And running our business. Yes, that's crazy. I went to see a therapist again, she told me that in moments of crisis people tend to go back to their baseline. It makes sense, I was a workaholic prior to moving in with Karl, my career consumed my life and I was very good at what I did. That's my baseline, work, keep house, pay bills. I feel like this is auto pilot.. Then come the sudden moments where I burst out crying, especially when driving. I feel like I try so hard not to think that he's gone, that I my head I'm starting to believe if I do everything right and keep this house he will come back, somehow walk through the door and kiss me and hug me one more time. Oh how I miss that man, the pain, the pure emptiness is just unreal. I keep thinking of his smile, his hugs, the way he smelled, the clothes he wore... I can't even write anymore.. Baby, you're my life. I miss you. I love you. I need you.

I'm so sorry for your loss, I know saying that means absolutely nothing. I've heard it so many time that I want to stab people, and I am not a mean person. Plus I also have the feeling I come off completely rude to people. I hope that you some how figure things out, since it looks like we are in the same boat. I have not been angry at him yet though, I keep seeing him laughing and acting goofy in my head over and over and I just can't get mad at all that sweetness . I do know the anger will come, I've had a lot of drama with his family and that's where my anger has focused. If you ever need to talk I'm here, I know I can't help but I can guarantee I will understand. This moving thing is so horrible, I do not want to move, I do not want to pack his stuff or even move it anywhere other than where he left it or liked it. It's just so much financially for one person that I don't know if I can do this. But I feel like he's in my head saying baby you got this. And I don't want to let him down. I don't wanna let us down. I never in a million years thought this would happen, we always planned forever plus infinity and beyond, kids this business we started we were a team. Again, if you just need to talk I'm here and I check this thing religiously.. Gets my mind a little off the extreme sadness. Just keep thinking that he's watching over you, I thanked Karl today for helping me fix the vacuum. Looked up at the sky and smiled.

There have been bad days and less bad days because I don't think I'll be seeing a good day in a while. As bad as I want to talk about how much I miss my sweet husband, I have to face some tough decisions. I wanted to reach out and get some support or opinions. As I mentioned earlier on my husband is only 28 years old. I am unsure if I mentioned that I'm 26, we bought a house 5 weeks before his sudden death. Now the issue at hand, there was no life insurance.. Hell we didn't think about getting life insurance until we had kids.. And to everyone's surprise I am not one bit upset that we didn't have life insurance.. Not many 20 something year olds do. Now, my husband was the bread winner of the family, he had the house necessary income. I started a business 10 months ago and have been slowly making progress. I am in a situation where I have to figure out if I'd like to foreclose on the house or keep it. One day I want to just say screw it and let the house foreclose and others I realize I am a fighter, I cannot walk away from our dream. This house, the business, it was OUR dream. He believed in me, supported me, encouraged me. I can't just give up. My husband is the only one on the mortgage, that way if I foreclose I am technically walking away with no debt no impact on my credit.. But again.. I don't wanna run. Yes 3000 sq feet of house is a lot for me and our two dogs, but it was also much more than we needed and yet we made the decision to buy this home. It wasn't our forever home.. But it was going to be our start a family home. In a beautiful community, with amazing neighbors (yes they are amazing) with room to grow. And now it's just me, all alone. Sad, very very sad, mopy, his pictures on the fire place right next to the urn. And I have no clue what I am going to do. Again, I am not one to run from problems. I was the problem solver, the account, the positive one in our marriage and relationship. The one who always said that things will work out, and they always did. Except for this time. , so what do I do?! Do I stay and fight.. Or do I run? I feel like I'm stuck between a rock and a hard place, with no real support. My parents want me to foreclose or sell.. I'm not selling.. Where will I go with two dogs? Back to my parents? They said I can come back but without our babies and well that's not happening. And sadly odds are that if I sell I won't even break even. I don't wanna rent the place out bc I do not want to move his things, they need to stay in place. So my options are foreclose and stay here for 18 to 24 months or stay and figure out this mortgage on my own.. Baby, I just want some guidance. A sign. Anything to lead me in the right direction. I love you and miss you so much that there are no words to describe the pain.. I sit there and out of nowhere cry, then worry, miss you and cry some more.. I love you and you're not here. I don't want any of this without you and yet I hold on to some crazy thought that you'd want me to fight for what we accomplished. I am so lost with out you bubus.. I just want a sign.. Anything.. I just want one more hug, one more hour and one more kiss. I miss you baby. Please come back.

Hello everyone, Thank you for all your replies. I guess I would count today as a good day. I guess. I couldn't get off the couch at my parents until about 1:30pm.. After that I had some things totaled care of.. And to avoid traffic I had the gps avoid highways.. We'll think I went on the scenic route of our lives. I drove from our current home, right by where we first lived together, by the church where the funeral was held, by our old Chicago apartment and finally by my old place of work where it all started, the long texts, phone calls and letters. I don't know if that was you baby, but it was hard.. I cried a little bit.. Laughed a little, tried to stay busy by talking to people.. That didn't really distract me. I don't know how I feel. Is it weird that I don't miss the texts and phone calls? I miss Karl. I miss his hugs, his laugh, his plans, his tattoos, I miss his touch, his lips, his eyes, he's annoying comments. I smiled as I wrote annoying comments. I know I have to survive, but if I could I wouldn't get off the couch. I haven't slept at our house yet because I'm scared. I spend my days between my parents and our house and sleep at my parents. I feel like when I'm around ppl I come off as a total b****.. When people ask how I'm doing I either say not too good or that I don't know. I realize I need to deal with this. I realize that I need to somehow someway move forward, but damn walking up the stairs to pay the bills seems like climbing Mount Everest. I'm going to see a priest on Friday, and I feel like I'm going to start going to church on a regular basis. I feel like I need to give your soul an extra boost and I need to get myself together to finish building what we started. I want the world to know how amazing you are, how kind, how big your heart is. You need to leave a legacy baby. I hate this new normal of mine. Hanging out with my parents.. We could of been in bed right now talking about the millions of things we use to debate and laugh about, watching stupid tv shows. Talking about your work. Making plans for our home. Snuggled up on your chest. Baby you weren't perfect but you are perfect to me. I just want one more hug, one more kiss.. Five more minutes of your most abnoxiois jokes. I want you to play with our fur babies and let them lick your face. I know they miss that. I sure do. I feel kind of angry at you, that you're not here. That you left me all alone.. I don't know how to deal with this baby. One minute I'm crying, the next I'm angry, 3 minutes later I'm telling myself I can do this, and then I feel guilty and I go back to crying and missing that sweet face. I've felt all those emotions as I write this. Am I going crazy? Is this normal? I don't know anything anymore. I lubbs you my sweet booboo... I don't wanna do this on my own.. I sleep hugging your urn, on my parents couch and panic if for a second I place it anywhere away from where I can see it... I just don't know.. My chest hurts... And then I go back to "I got this" mode. Oh how I hate that. I can't even watch our tv shows.. I feel stupid that I even tried. I drive with no radio on because I'm scared a song might come on that will send me off the deep end. I ask once again, am I crazy? It doesn't feel like I miss you, it feels like a part of me is completely missing. Like there is a huge hole in my chest that makes me wanna puke.. So it's like one minute I miss those kisses and then I get scared that I don't remember what they feel like, then I'm scared that maybe I don't miss you, and then the pain in my chest comes in I wanna throw up and panic, and run into your arms. Run on to our bed and have you come and try to tickle me.. Or walk into the bathroom and try to have a deep conversation while I take a bath.. I just don't know anymore. I don't know anything. All I know is that you are the love of my life, I love you and I want to be with you right now.

I have not made it to auto pilot yet. I am still having issues getting out of bed and the thought of paying the bills seems like such a difficult task that I can't make it upstairs to do so. I might sound crazy but I'm looking forward to outopilot... Maybe at least I'll kind of function. I hope that things get better for you, I don't know what else to say. I know all the things that I want to say I've heard over the last week and they do no help. All I know is that I've been told multiple times that things will get easier. I truly wish you the best.

Thank you very much for your reply. I just never imagined that I would be a 26 year old widow. Those words don't even want to come out of my mouth. My husband is my entire life my whole words. I just hope that he knows how much I love him, how much he means to me, how precious and amazing he was. I hope that he was happy, God I only wish that he was happy that our life was happy for him. I don't even know where to search for answers. I'm so lost without him.

One week ago today, my sweet loving amazing handsome generous husband passed away at 28 years of age. We have been together almost four years, married for 6 months. He is my soulmate, my better half, my best friend, to be honest my only real friend. I spent the last 6 days with my parents. Dealing with the funeral arrangements and my horrible in laws who my husband did not keep in touch with. Today, I am in our bed watching tv... Crying, petting our dogs, asking my husband why. He is my entire world, how do I move forward when my world has ended. I've been hearing all week how young I am, how life will work out for me. Well I want our life.. We bought a house 6 weeks ago. He was so happy and excited, so many projects ahead of us, this huge house just with me and our dogs. He wanted this house and now I don't know what to do, I can't even go upstate and pay the phone bill, how am I going to figure out how to pay this huge mortgage? My husband, Karl.. He is the love of my life. His laugh, his hugs, his eyes, his smile all so perfect. Our love story oh how uplifting it is. And yet I am here alone. I can't go on without him. Can he please just come get me? I want to be with him! I'm left here to wonder, was he happy? Did he know how much I loved him? Does he know how much my heart loves him? That I will never stop loving him? Was he happy these last 3 1/2 years? I just want answers. I love him so much, I miss him so much. I just wanna join him.. I'm not the suicidal kind, totally not me. I'm super afraid of death and yet here I am hoping he just comes and gets me. I don't want to move on, I don't want this life without him. I wanna hear his laugh and taste his lips. I just want my husband. This is all so sudden, we did not plan or prepare for this. Hell we never actually even considered it. I just need someone to understand, that I'm not getting over this anytime soon. I'm not interested in how my life will evaluating work out and I'll get married and forget. Because I will never forget. I am looking for a deeper meaning, i need to make sure that his legacy lives on. I just don't know what else to say. I miss you baby, I miss my heart, my sweet amazing loving, soul mate. I just want to be with him. I would give my life to see him for one more minute.