Laurat679

I was super fortunate to no have to work for the past few years once we started moving around for his job. I'm not sure how I'd concentrate or deal with people because I have no patience now. I'm now scared to death I won't find a job fast enough but I have no choice. Between the tears and short temper I'm sure that interview will go just swell.

Thanks all....I did sleep ok. And I too left the lights on and tv as well. I have my dad coming back tomorrow and my sister later in the week. I thought I wanted to be alone but I miss him too much. I'm moving in with my dad in a couple months when our lease is up. For now, I've started packing stuff up.

So tonight is the first night I have been alone since Randy collapsed and never regained consciousness. I felt like I just wanted alone time to freely yell and cry and whatever else without people hearing me. It's awful, I miss him so much and it's so quieting lonely. We had such a routine that it is so off. On the positive side, I'm finally just seeing images of him instead of just picturing him in the hospital.

I feel the same way as you...it has been 4 days since the funeral and I just feel like I'm stuck in this nightmare being tortured. I want to hate him for leaving when he wasn't suppose to till at least 70. I also have to move asap! We recently relocated and rented a place till we decided where we wanted to be so,luckily we hadn't bought a place yet but he was the money maker. I stopped working a couple years ago when we started moving for his job. It just freaking sucks! Like you can't deal with losing him first before figuring out where to live.

I feel exactly the same way a lot! I think about that I've got probably a good 50 years before I'll ever see him again hopefully. My husband has been gone for just over a week, crazily, we had this conversation after a funeral a few months ago and I had said to him you know if anything ever happened to you early on, I would never be able to function with out you. I can just hear his voice going on saying he'd want me to move on. Well I don't know what move on will look like but I am going to keep the plans we had and start from there. I loved him so much that I'd hate for him to be so upset that I've been destroyed even though that's how I feel. This just sucks!

Finally a place where people can understand how I feel! So about 2 1/2 weeks ago a normal morning turned into a nightmare I am stuck in. My husband whom I had met at 20, married at 23 and have enjoyed almost 14 years of a perfect fairy tale marriage with headed out to work and came back in the house not feeling well. He said he felt dizzy, passed out and never regained consciousness. He was in a coma for a week and a half where he was declared to be severely brain damaged with no chance of recovery as he continued to have nonstop seizures. He had an arrhythmia that gave no warning and cut off oxygen that killed his brain. I was able to donate his kidneys after removing life support. He basically died twice in my arms...once at our home and once at the hospital. I am every textbook emotion that is possible. I have to move in two months and find a job. I am so alone! I've lost my best friend and my love. How do you go on....how can you be 36 and already have had the best marriage ever and be done with that. No one could ever replace him. I'm so mad at him for leaving me to pick up all these pieces. He paid the bills, he had all the passwords. I feel like I've lost everything while he just laid there and died. I've lost my life, my home, my world, and he just left. I blame myself everyday for not being faster to try and perform CPR. I hate that he cant tell me that it wasn't my fault. I feel like I left him to die on the floor waiting for EMS. I blame myself for freaking out instead of reacting. I had no idea he was having an arrhythmia.....he thought his sugar dropped from not eating breakfast. I'm so angry and sad and hurt and lonely. I want to run away to somewhere I don't see him. I want to crawl into a hole and hide till I don't hurt anymore. I hate hearing he had a higher calling and it was his time....I was his world....he'd said he loved me promised me till 70. We always said as long as we had each other, that's all we needed. We were trying to have kids after thinking we couldn't have them....so much unfinished life just ruined..