Ruth

Thank you both. It's been a rough day, a rough few weeks actually and I'm very exhausted, but it has passed again and I made it through.

The 15th is approaching fast. I've been really struggling these past days, weeks actually... It all hurts so much.

Today is our wedding anniversary (eight years) and his birthday (28). Rough day. Painful. I miss him.

Yes I get that. It does feel surreal. I keep going, keep moving forward and I can see the progress I'm making, but it feels so very distant to me. Like, indeed, it isn't really my life. I've found an outlet in sports, but even though I know I'm doing better than last year - working out, doing nice things with friends, sharing about the pain - it all feels like a show, a mask I'm wearing and underneath is this deep raw pain and a hole so big as the universe. *sighs* It's tough.

Thank you both. You hang in there too RyanAmysMom!

Congratulations Maureen! Good luck!

Thank you both for your kind reply. Venting some things... I miss Michael. I'm struggling more and more with his death. The way he died, knowing all the details now, makes it even worse. I've made some peace with losing our unborn daugther, but not with him. He is still so very much in my heart and mind and especially these days and weeks... I miss him till it hurts excruciately. I want him here. I want to feel his arms around me and feel safe again. I can't even explain how much it hurts to have lost him. I can barely explain what we had. This all tangled up relationship with so many twists and difficulties. And yet, so much love. So much limitless love. An ocean full of it. We loved each other passionately. We loved each other even when we hated each other. It was a lot. And him dying on me is a lot. Still. It's been almost three years, but it could have been yesterday. It's heart-wrenching, soul-destroying grief. There's nothing left to say. We've said it all. We were one. We were one. We were one. And now he is gone and I am left here and I'm so tired of feeling so much grief over this. I'm okish most time of the year, but then March comes around and I am a wreck again. March and April are impossible for me. It gets a bit better once we're mid-May. I'm tired. I'm hurting. I'm alone. Without the love of my life. He won't come back. He won't be here. I won't get him back. Ever. And it hurts so very very much.

It's been almost three years now. Both our anniversary (March 15) as the anni of his death (April 15) are due in several weeks. This time of the year is still really tough to get through. I am mostly okay during the other months (except for December), but March and April are rough. I thought I'd reach our for some support. Thanks for letting me share! Ruth

I had a rather similar experience today when walking up the stairs with the groceries - I knew he would have carried them...

Hey Adley, No, I don't think you're missing anything. I've recently stumbled upon a video post of a widow and she said to move FORWARD, not on. That moving ON implied, in her mind (and in mine as well), some form of forgetfulness - and that 'forgetting the love your life is somehow gonna help me is, actually, very offensive'. I couldn't agree more. Yes, at some point we will probably realize we are or have moved forward, but we will never forget. Besides, it's OUR grief and it's different for everyone. Let no one tell you how to grieve or when to take a next step. This is your life, your journey, your loss - no one should have anything to say about that. Gentle care to you, Ruth

Good luck!! It's indeed a real achievement, well done for that. You'll find a way, one step and day a time, just like you've done this far. But I can imagine it's also stressful, sad, difficult and well, that it clearly has two sides. So take it easy or fast or whatever way feels best to you at the time. Again, good luck!

I'm late and for that I'm sorry. I can relate to what you write. That place where time itself is your biggest enemy. Where people tell you that you will make it through this and that it is exactly that that is the problem. Because indeed, we don't die of our broken heart, but we do have to live with it and that is so much worse because of the horrendous pain. I have little words of hope to offer. All I can do most of the time is take only this one day. To not think about a future. I can do this, breathing, today. I live like there's no tomorrow, I survive only today. And the truth is that every morning I feel like I've lost again, as I woke up instead of dying. Frodo is right, that some wounds go too deep for time to heal. That there is no going back. Yet he also reminds us that some wounds never really heal, meaning they do heal in some ways and to a certain extent. We will never forget our loved one. We will never be able to erase the pain of losing that person. And yet one day we may realize that we did move on, that we started a new journey. Frodo's journey isn't the end, he doesn't die, he moved on, into another world, into a new life. On most days that isn't a hopeful message for me, but it does remind me of one thing - that you never know what will happen and how you feel when it happens. Gentle hug if ok, Ruth

Amor, yes, in most ways I have peace with it. Thank you for the wishes. Yell, thank you for the hugs and HUGS to you as well.

Thank you Julester. To be honest, I'm having a really hard day. I have made the decision and am now trying to stick to it, but it's a struggle. A struggle I, yet again, wish I didn't have to face alone.

Sorry for being late... Geminigirl, thank you for the hugs ((hug)) Needytoo, ty for your support and hugs ((hug)) Amor, ty for the wishes, and yes, it is like waves indeed I'm still struggling, as the finalizing of the decision still has to be done, but I'm doing a bit better. It's just hard, all of this, and sometimes I just don't wanna do it...