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Ruth

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Everything posted by Ruth

  1. Thank you both. It's been a rough day, a rough few weeks actually and I'm very exhausted, but it has passed again and I made it through.
  2. The 15th is approaching fast. I've been really struggling these past days, weeks actually... It all hurts so much.
  3. Today is our wedding anniversary (eight years) and his birthday (28). Rough day. Painful. I miss him.
  4. Yes I get that. It does feel surreal. I keep going, keep moving forward and I can see the progress I'm making, but it feels so very distant to me. Like, indeed, it isn't really my life. I've found an outlet in sports, but even though I know I'm doing better than last year - working out, doing nice things with friends, sharing about the pain - it all feels like a show, a mask I'm wearing and underneath is this deep raw pain and a hole so big as the universe. *sighs* It's tough.
  5. Thank you both. You hang in there too RyanAmysMom!
  6. Congratulations Maureen! Good luck!
  7. Thank you both for your kind reply. Venting some things... I miss Michael. I'm struggling more and more with his death. The way he died, knowing all the details now, makes it even worse. I've made some peace with losing our unborn daugther, but not with him. He is still so very much in my heart and mind and especially these days and weeks... I miss him till it hurts excruciately. I want him here. I want to feel his arms around me and feel safe again. I can't even explain how much it hurts to have lost him. I can barely explain what we had. This all tangled up relationship with so many twists and difficulties. And yet, so much love. So much limitless love. An ocean full of it. We loved each other passionately. We loved each other even when we hated each other. It was a lot. And him dying on me is a lot. Still. It's been almost three years, but it could have been yesterday. It's heart-wrenching, soul-destroying grief. There's nothing left to say. We've said it all. We were one. We were one. We were one. And now he is gone and I am left here and I'm so tired of feeling so much grief over this. I'm okish most time of the year, but then March comes around and I am a wreck again. March and April are impossible for me. It gets a bit better once we're mid-May. I'm tired. I'm hurting. I'm alone. Without the love of my life. He won't come back. He won't be here. I won't get him back. Ever. And it hurts so very very much.
  8. It's been almost three years now. Both our anniversary (March 15) as the anni of his death (April 15) are due in several weeks. This time of the year is still really tough to get through. I am mostly okay during the other months (except for December), but March and April are rough. I thought I'd reach our for some support. Thanks for letting me share! Ruth
  9. I had a rather similar experience today when walking up the stairs with the groceries - I knew he would have carried them...
  10. Hey Adley, No, I don't think you're missing anything. I've recently stumbled upon a video post of a widow and she said to move FORWARD, not on. That moving ON implied, in her mind (and in mine as well), some form of forgetfulness - and that 'forgetting the love your life is somehow gonna help me is, actually, very offensive'. I couldn't agree more. Yes, at some point we will probably realize we are or have moved forward, but we will never forget. Besides, it's OUR grief and it's different for everyone. Let no one tell you how to grieve or when to take a next step. This is your life, your journey, your loss - no one should have anything to say about that. Gentle care to you, Ruth
  11. Good luck!! It's indeed a real achievement, well done for that. You'll find a way, one step and day a time, just like you've done this far. But I can imagine it's also stressful, sad, difficult and well, that it clearly has two sides. So take it easy or fast or whatever way feels best to you at the time. Again, good luck!
  12. I'm late and for that I'm sorry. I can relate to what you write. That place where time itself is your biggest enemy. Where people tell you that you will make it through this and that it is exactly that that is the problem. Because indeed, we don't die of our broken heart, but we do have to live with it and that is so much worse because of the horrendous pain. I have little words of hope to offer. All I can do most of the time is take only this one day. To not think about a future. I can do this, breathing, today. I live like there's no tomorrow, I survive only today. And the truth is that every morning I feel like I've lost again, as I woke up instead of dying. Frodo is right, that some wounds go too deep for time to heal. That there is no going back. Yet he also reminds us that some wounds never really heal, meaning they do heal in some ways and to a certain extent. We will never forget our loved one. We will never be able to erase the pain of losing that person. And yet one day we may realize that we did move on, that we started a new journey. Frodo's journey isn't the end, he doesn't die, he moved on, into another world, into a new life. On most days that isn't a hopeful message for me, but it does remind me of one thing - that you never know what will happen and how you feel when it happens. Gentle hug if ok, Ruth
  13. Amor, yes, in most ways I have peace with it. Thank you for the wishes. Yell, thank you for the hugs and HUGS to you as well.
  14. Thank you Julester. To be honest, I'm having a really hard day. I have made the decision and am now trying to stick to it, but it's a struggle. A struggle I, yet again, wish I didn't have to face alone.
  15. Sorry for being late... Geminigirl, thank you for the hugs ((hug)) Needytoo, ty for your support and hugs ((hug)) Amor, ty for the wishes, and yes, it is like waves indeed I'm still struggling, as the finalizing of the decision still has to be done, but I'm doing a bit better. It's just hard, all of this, and sometimes I just don't wanna do it...
  16. Safe (((hugs))) if ok Jen. I think Kate put it amazingly, it gave me hope as well! You can make it through this, one day, one breath, a time. You're doing fine, you really are.
  17. Hey April, I wanted you to know I read everything you wrote. My husband didn't die of suicide. He died due to violence while trying to do the right thing, and I'm pretty sure he kinda knew he probably wouldn't make it out alive. He made that choice because of me, and the guilt of that, although unjust, sometimes overwhelms me. I, like you, wanted out and was planning on leaving. My husband was abusive, in every sense of the word, but in our culture it was considered normal for a man to treat his wife like that - by our standards he was, well, far from abusive. Me wanting to leave him, had more to do with me wanting to leave that culture/way of life, than leaving him. (We lived in a cult-like group, his abusive was normal within the group, but illegal in our country.) Fast forward towards our last day together. I'm still not sure what happened, but after yet another one of his beatings he broke down and begged me to forgive him. He said he'd let me go, turn himself (and the leaders of the group) in and asked me if I was willing to wait for him. I was sceptical and said I didn't know. I never saw him after that. He had tried to convinced his best friend to go with him and turn himself in as well, which resulted in his death. I feel horrible for doubting him, but also for not preventing him from trying to go to the police. The aftermath of it all was horrible and I'm still grateful that I was able to escape two weeks later. I know it's different on many levels, but I can relate to some of the feelings and struggles it brings, like wanting to leave and feeling responsible for his death. Safe hugs if ok, Ruth
  18. Thank you April, yes virtual hugs and understanding from a stranger does give some comfort. And welcome to the forum, although I'm so sorry you belong here...
  19. No need to apologize geminigirl and you definately don't have to be 'over it'! Your feelings are real and valid and they deserve to be there. I would say it's NORMAL that you have these feelings. This move in a way makes it more real and of course you're fighting that and don't want that to happen and of course it makes you struggle and hate all this! It's normal and you have nothing to apologize for, nothing at all. You can do this. At your pace, at your time, in your way. It's no one else's business anyway. And when things overwhelm you, you come here or you cry for hours or you eat ice cream or whatever it is you feel like doing. It's ok. We're here for you if you need or want us to be. Safe warm and gentle hugs to you, Ruth
  20. I'm late, and for that I apologize. But I understand can (somewhat) relate and I'm so sorry! ((hugs)) if ok. The circumstances of Michael's death were so messed up that I never got the chance to go back to our apartment and I was forced to moved away from the place we lived two weeks later. After a year I had to move again, to something a bit more 'my own' this time. It was the first place that was 'mine' and it was and still is hard to wrap my mind around that. Sorry, I'm rambling, not sure if this makes much sense to you, just, you have my support!
  21. I'm a bit overwhelmed by all your kind responses - thank you! Jen, I'm so sorry you're struggling as well ((hugs)) Jean, thank you for your support and saying it's ok to ask ((hugs)) Alemja, thank you, sometimes it's hard to remember to *breathe*! ((hugs)) SoVerySad, yes it was really powerful ((hugs)) Donswife, thank you for reassuring me I'm not the only one ((hugs)) if ok Trying, I appreciate you reminding me this is normal ((hugs)) if ok
  22. I'm having a really hard day today, after several days of struggling badly already. At the moment I'm making some really hard and painful decisions and the emotional turmoil is getting too much. Right now I just miss Michael even more. I wish he could hold me for a minute, so I could feel safe, even if it's just for one moment. I feel so alone and heartbroken in all this. I'm sorry... Ruth
  23. Ruth

    Funk

    I can see why that messes with your head in some ways. I don't have someone new in my life atm, but I can imagine the question 'who would I pick if M came back' would really mess with my head. Even though, obviously, it's an irrelevant question in the end... I agree with Trying that you can spend this anni any way you want. About your question if the 'us stopped when he died', I'm not sure tbh. In a way, yes, but looking at myself, part of it hasn't died yet. I still wonder what he would like, I'm still considering his 'opinion' of a sort when making decisions. I think 'us' would really die once I would make decisions completely for me or for me and another spouse instead of involving him in it in any way. In a way that might never completely die as long as I live, especially when it comes it annies. Just my thoughts... Take gentle care these days and offering some hugs, Ruth
  24. Ty for sharing Bunny, it's heartwarming
  25. I am so sorry for your losses Maureen. Sitting with you if you like, Ruth
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