The guilt...10 years later

[Pammy]

Over the years, I have noticed that many of us deal with guilt in the face of loss of our SO's. Whether it is directly related to their death (ie: "I should have done more or something different") or guilt from how we were in the last days (ie: "we were arguing...") In my case, I was angry with him. Pettiness, frustration and not looking past my own nose were my excuses.

 

This is a post I wrote just days after he died. In it I vowed never to forgive myself for being angry and petty to him. That was over 10 years ago. I can honestly tell you that I HAVE forgiven myself and much of it has to do with reading this board. Well, reading YWBB and listening to others advice and experiences. My true wish is that this new board becomes as helpful and healing as YWBB was for me, and it looks like it will.

 

I hope this helps someone (s) who might be dealing with guilt. Here is my post:

 

Dated: 9/21/04 (Jeff died 8-22-04)

 

My husband had been ill for 2 days prior to his death...well now I know he was ill, at the time I just thought he was tired and a bit lazy.

 

We had just moved into a new home one week prior to the day he died. We were both exhausted and in the heat of the summer it took its toll on the both of us. In my selfish world I was assuming that Jeff's "tiredness" was just that, and I started getting irritated with him for it. Saturday he woke up, after having promised me the day before that he would be home ( he was a workaholic as well) and would help me with the unpacking that had yet to be done, and do the yard work on a neglected yard. He didn't feel great....just tired he told me, and I thought to myself * you know what?? I am tired too, dammit! but I am still doing what needs to be done*

 

Bless his heart he made a valiant effort at starting the yard work, but soon I heard him come in the house and into our bedroom. He didn't come back out so I marched back there irritated once again and found him laying on the bed sleeping...my petty anger started. He stayed there all the rest of the day and night. I did what I had to do unpacking, running errands, but I was getting angrier and angrier by the moment. I barely acknowledged him laying in bed...just checked on him a few times and he was sleeping for the most part.

 

I spent most of the night unpacking the office finally went to bed around 2am - in the living room on the couch - partly to give him room in the bed to be comfortable, mostly because I was pissed.

 

I woke up the next morning and as soon as he heard me he called me, telling me he wanted to go to the hospital, he couldn't breath. My attitude softened and I started to worry. He couldn't even make it to the front door..the paramedics came and rushed him out...they knew it was his heart. I was still talking to one of the paramedics giving him information, and I looked around he was already in the ambulance!..I curse myself for the fact that I took maybe too long to get myself dressed and in the car and up to the hospital, even turning around in the middle of the trip to go back home for the cell phone I forgot!!!!.. I got the the hospital just in time to be told my husband had died.

 

I will live with this for the rest of my life I never got to say good bye to him, kiss him, tell him I loved him, that I was not mad at him. He died alone and thinking I was mad at him ....

 

God help me, Jeff may forgive me, but I don't think I will ever forgive myself....

 

I have forgiven myself. Life is ok now -even good, I still miss him and feel a bit of my heart is missing, but this is a feeling you learn to live with and even overcome in some ways. I know now my guilt was misplaced.

 

Blessings, Pam

[OSAAT]

Thank you for sharing this personal and intimate aspect of your grief. I am 4.5 years out. J was an alcoholic and I left him 4 months before he died. I struggled with that for so long. "If I had stayed" blah blah blah. I think deep down I still feel guilt to some degree, but not like I did. This is a tough thing for so many wids. So glad you shared, Pam.