Changes

[mikeeh]

In a private discussion I may have stumbled upon something that maybe helped explain some things that I wonder rings true for anybody else.

 

Now a couple weeks past the 2 year mark I have already wondered on a different thread what active grieving is.  I think that there are times when I miss her and the life we had.  The loss of her is not in the fore front of my thinking and though I am not a generally happy person and it is mostly due to her death it is the unhappiness that is my focus and not the loss.  I guess that is beyond active grieving.

 

There are times though when it will really spike up again like it was yesterday or last week that I lost her.  On commiserating with a fellow wid from the board I think I realized that it is when we try to change things that the grief and the loss spikes and times get tough again.

 

I think my pattern is familiar to many.  After her loss, after the funeral and through the first year I think we do what we must, and only what we must, to survive and stay alive.  Feed kids, do dishes, go to work, whatever needed to happen and nothing more.  We settle into a routine and while not happy or pleased with our lives we get a certain level of comfort  from the stability and familiarity.  Our life becomes 'normal' (won't use that dreaded term) again. 

 

Then as time goes by, one year or two you decide that it may be time to start making some changes.  It may be to finally get rid of his/her clothes like I did a couple months ago.  It may be taking your ring off, which I set a goal to do at second sadiversary yet am still wearing 3 weeks later.  It is starting to make those changes that dregs all those feelings up again.  I think those who were forced to make those changes earlier for financial or other reasons go through the worst of it earlier and as the hit these later years they don't have the flare ups of  'active grieving' that those ofus who put it off do.

 

Maybe I am completely off base with this theory.  We all have triggers and we all go through bad spells and does it matter why or who has more, or whose is worse?

 

Mike

[Jen]

I'm a girl of few words tonight, but I want to say that I think you're right. Hugs.

[Virgo]

I agree. I think all of those firsts are a part of the grieving process, but we all do them at our own pace. I read a book, Second Firsts by Christina Ramussen, that talks about a lot of the points you brought up.

[klim]

I think what you say rings true.

 

For me as well it is when I have to deal with things that he was particularly good at and dealt with. NOt the regular day to day stuff, I've figured out that and have dealt with it but for me something like when there is car maintanace or right now I am packing for a camping trip with my son and he always got the trailer ready.

Writing this sounds dumb because it sounds like I miss him because of how practical he was but it really is it brings it all to the forefront.

 

Right now I'm even wondering if all this packing for the camping trip is worth it because he was the excited one that made the trips fun. I'm not sure camping is inately fun.

 

Oh well we going to do it . Only time will tell

Onward and forward.

 

 

[Lmsmdm]

I think the firsts hit for many years. This year, year #4, I worked the entire day on the sadiversary. I work in a customer based environment, so I was extremely proud I made it. I did it!!!! For the first time.

 

Today 3 weeks later I had contact with a newbie, a 3 week newbie. My heart ached with her, and I cried with her, as if today was my first. I advised her of Ywbb rules.....drink, sleep, and eat when you can. I let her know about widda......I let her know that in time her thoughts of him WILL one day bring smiles instead of tears.

 

However, today did remind me the "waves" ain't going away anytime soon. Yet, I was also reminded I am "better" today than I was this time 4 years ago. (I hate the word better mind you)