Friend drama

[Needytoo]

Like so many of us after the death of my husband no one was there to give my kids and support.  Very hard time but I have moved on.  I have gained a friendship with another widow who lost her husband 14 months after losing mine.  Our journey is the same in some ways but also different in a lot of ways.  I finally understand the term ?taking care of yourself first? and just by doing that it has helped me heal.  Through Al-anon I learned that I was an enabler and I worked on myself to free myself from that.  My friend feels differently she says she will be happy when her children are happy.  He children are 26 year old girl and 24 year old boy. 

 

My journey hasn?t been smooth that is for sure but my kids have come a long way. Especially my eldest son who was a lot of antipsychotic medication is now drug free.  After the death of his father he worked on himself and is so much better and I also stop enabling his behavior.  I will admit my kids are not perfect but then again I am not as well. 

 

My friend and I try to do some social things together but more and more she cancels on me.  I try not to let it bother me but it does bother me.  Her 24 year old son moved back in with her and is having issues.  One of his problems is anxiety.  I hate anxiety I battle with it as well but I really try not to let it control me.  I feel he is having other issues as well.  The boy is cruel to his mother, to his mother?s pets and anyone else that crosses his path. His mother?s house is just a giant party place for him and his friends and she is paying for the big long summer party.  I received a text from her yesterday saying that her son said that I had words with him.  I have not spoken to him in over a month.  I went over to her house and she said that I told off his son which wasn?t true.  My son during the worse of his mental illness also suffered from delusions so he could be having an episode but for some reason I couldn?t tell her this.  I have no idea why I couldn?t do it.  I think I was just stunned being told off and I have no idea how to proceed.  Any ideas? 

 

[Trying]

Wow, that's a really tough situation to be in.  She is probably not ready to face the complete truth about her son, his behavior and his emotional issues.  You are in a difficult spot because she will likely be defensive if you try tell her what you are seeing. 

 

Maybe you can simply tell her that you can relate to parenting a struggling son, that you support her without judgement, and that you have not and will not interfere. Any unsolicitated advice or observations will probably not be appreciated by her.

 

I hope she and her son get the help they need and that you can salvage your friendship.  Good friends are so hard to come by, especially someone with shared experiences

[serpico]

If you're going to address it, stick to the topic, which is her saying you 'told off' her son:

 

"I'm sorry, there must be a misunderstanding.  I haven't talked to your son in over a month"

 

Let her take it from there, but I wouldn't try to relate or compare in any way, because as we all know, only other peoples' kids are crazy  :-\

[Guest sunshinedaydreamz]

I would rethink my strategies with this "friend".

It sounds like too much drama, to me anyway.

[Needytoo]

Thank you everyone for your great responses.  I will admit I sometimes still feel very awkward in new friendships.I want very fun supportive people in my life and yes I am getting very tired of drama.    My friend did shock me yesterday and I am not use to being talked to in that way. 

 

This afternoon she called and apologized and we had a very rationale talk.  Today would have been her husband's 50th birthday.  Don't you hate the dam triggers. 

 

 

[Guest sunshinedaydreamz]

Glad she apologized. Still it doesn't seem a reason to dump drama on you.

I would be a bit reserved, but maybe that's just me.

[Needytoo]

No it just isn't you.  Lately it seem like drama is like a monkey on my back and I can't get away from it.