Overcoming Vulnerability

[StillWidowed]

I was in a 1 1/2 year relationship that in all honesty, should have ended after the first 4 months. Since my husband's death, I am forever a changed person.  The once strong confident woman that knew who she was, her worth and her boundary busting lines, was in a relationship that, over time, ate away at her self esteem and self worth. 

 

This is a topic or wording in one form or another, that has come up on this board repeatedly.  When I was finally able to date at 3 years out, I felt ready and confident.  I met this emotionally unavailable man about 8 months or so after that.  It was all hearts and flowers in the beginning, and over time, he managed to lower my expectations of him and flat out treat me like a doormat.  When I finally came to, I started to call him out on it, and he then proceeded to break up with me because we were arguing too much.  Things were fine as long as he could have the relationship on his terms and I didn't have a say so in my emotional investment. 

 

I'm handling it pretty well.  Deep down, I knew it wouldn't last.  I know in my heart of hearts that I was gracious, kind and loving (to a fault I believe now) and he is emotionally crippled. My husband was an amazing man, that treated me with unconditional love and kindness.

 

So my question or concern is this.  How did I become such a soft touch?  Yes, my heart was broken when my husband died.  Yes, I took the time to grieve the loss and emotionally prepare myself to enter into another relationship at some point in the future.  But how in the hell did I make such a bad judgment call?  Remember, I was almost four years out!  How did I let this once strong, confident woman enter into a less than desirable relationship and continue to STAY in it long past its sell by date?  How do I learn to forgive myself for making such a shitty choice?  And will the death of my husband always make me feel this vulnerable and weak and question my ability to choose the right partner?

[Guest sunshinedaydreamz]

I could have written this.

I think there's a fine line between "as I read and heard" having someone is better than not.

But not when we become virtual doormats.

And I swore it would never happen again after (but it also did).

Chalk it up to being human ? Don't know what else to attribute it to, but we learn, especially from mistakes made.

Hooray to you for knowing when to say when.

A good heart eventually finds another. And it sounds like you're a good person.

All the best for a happier future.

[anniegirl]

How did I let this once strong, confident woman enter into a less than desirable relationship and continue to STAY in it long past its sell by date?  How do I learn to forgive myself for making such a shitty choice?  And will the death of my husband always make me feel this vulnerable and weak and question my ability to choose the right partner?

 

You second guessed yourself and didn't put yourself first. It happens.

 

You forgive yourself by simply doing it. You made a mistake. You've learned from it. You've nothing to gain by being angry or disappointed with yourself. Let it go.

 

No, you will not always feel vulnerable or question yourself. You were married, happily and successfully once and there is no reason why that kind of relationship won't happen again for you. Remind yourself that your needs, goals are important and that anyone who can't see that and participate in a mutually respectful, give/take relationship isn't worth your time. You deserve to be loved.

 

There are good men out there. Don't waste time on "fixer-uppers".

[Mizpah]

So many thoughts.  I don't think anniegirl is wrong, but I do think that's a simplified version.  There are so many elements that are person-specific, and I'm sure there are some that can have to do with being widowed.  I know, for me, I'm now much more saddened by endings.  If someone doesn't die, why should people who love each other be apart and miss each other?  It's not a good impulse, when the thing ending is in some way unhealthy or not working.  I've found, since being widowed, that I'm awesome and strong at being alone, but extremely sensitive when it comes to relationships.  Part of it has to do with thinking it's a waste of time to have walls up, to be self-protective.  I think also, after losing our loves, you miss it so much that when you have that beginning that feels so good, you think of that beginning for a long time even once the reality has become so different.  It seems inconceivable that something so wonderful could fall so far short.  Also, there are a lot of people out there who ARE emotionally crippled, but in the easy exciting beginning, don't seem that way, not until reality hits and real life reveals who people really are, or who people are under strain.  Also, being widowed made me realize - if both people are alive, there can be reason to hope for betterment.  Again, not the most healthy impulse in the wrong context/relationship, though theoretically/hypothetically true.  I think even for non-widowed people, it's often hard to distinguish between a difficult relationship that is worth it (because lots of worthwhile relationships hit bumps, and people with baggage... have baggage, though they may be worthwhile partners) and a relationship that is unhealthy and should end.  I'm in one that is (I hope/believe) the former.  I think we forgive ourselves (for all things, not just this) by heeding the lesson from the experience, whatever that lesson may be, and carrying it into our next experience.  You may not know the lesson until, in your next experience, something clicks  for you and falls into place and makes something clear....  ???

 

Just some random ramblings on your topic.  I'm proud of you for coming to see clearly and for breaking free. 

[anniegirl]

It is simplified.

 

People who come into our lives in whatever capacity are "as is". Once the initial grace period is past, what you see is probably what you can expect from now on. You aren't likely to change them. Nor they you. You can set the boundaries and expectations for the relationship you have with them and hope that they abide by them but often changes are fleeting because they are born of a desire to ramp down tension levels rather than work on building a mutually satisfying relationship.

 

The only thing that matters really is, you are okay with this. In a month or a year or ten, if nothing, or nothing much, changes or improves, will you be okay with this? That's the question and the answer will depend on your age and probably the relationships that were modeled for you as your grew up and a bit on your on romantic notions.

 

My parents were married for 51 years. Locked in a power struggle for most of it with him tyring to change her and her trying to change him. In the last couple of years of his life, Dad finally accepted who Mom was and seemed happier for it but she never really did the same for him. Nevertheless, this kind of turmoil worked for them because they decided at some point that this was okay with them. I would never say they didn't love each other but I know they didn't understand each other or respect what the other needed/wanted. And it never occurred to either of them that this volatile life they had spilled over onto their children in ways that were harmful.

 

I know people in relationships that are constantly challenging. They are always seeking to change the other person or waiting for the other person to realize this or that and change on their own. No one ever changes but the relationships go on and the couples must be getting something out of it or it wouldn't.

 

No relationship is perfect. People come into them with a personality and needs/wants that have been shaped by a host of experiences. It's not realistic to expect otherwise.

 

The only thing you have any control over is you and when dating. and in the beginning of new relationships, you don't owe anyone anything. You should be looking out for yourself and asking yourself, does this person work for me? Can I make it work for me even if nothing about them ever changes?

 

It's easier when you put your cards on the table. Be honest about your feelings and your expectations. But that means be willing to walk away or to be walked away from. I think that's where a lot of relationship problems crop up.  People who aren't being honest with themselves or others and treating relationships as though they are contests to be won and that reflect poorly on them somehow if "lost".

 

Widowhood did not change me in terms of dating. I was still a crappy dater. Investing too much and too soon and putting up with things that made me unhappy in the hopes that the other person would eventually see how awesome I was and magically change.

 

I was like that before LH and unfortunately, I was like that again after. Marriage had taught me a lot about being married successfully but none of it translated back into the dating world - unsurprisingly. Dating and marriage are not the same things. I forgot that and before I began dating I thought, "Hey, I rocked that wife thing so of course I will make someone a great wife again." Totally overlooking that dating thing in between.

 

But, my simplified advice still stands. Take care of yourself. Ask for what you want. There is someone out there who wants what you do and will be happy to return your love. You won't find him though if you spend too much time with guys who aren't interested in what you want or too much time beating yourself up when these relationships run their course.

 

You do not ever have to put up with anything diminishes you as a person or makes you question your worth or abilities. Your marriage to your LH is amply proof that you are pretty awesome. You are still that person in more ways than not. jmo

 

 

 

[Guest sunshinedaydreamz]

All too often I see people saying the person changed, which there is a definite reason for. Yes agree laying the cards on the table at the beginning of any new relationship is the right thing. Bending over backwards is not an option. Thinking things will eventually change is imo an illusion. I don't tolerate games or lying just to keep someone as an interest. After widowing something clicked and I wouldn't stay in a relationship that didn't send me into orbit, or that seemed just filling a void. Lonliness sucks, but it's better than pleading or bargaining for something that just is not there. Cliche > play hard.

Please yourself (ourselves), first.

[Guest mawidow]

Not sure if this is relevant, but I sooo could have written your post. These are some things I learned about myself:

- post-loss, I felt I had so much love to give and I was really eager for a recipient. Losing a spouse made me an unemployed wife and I so wanted to give that love to someone. I had received a wakeup call about how fleeting life is and wanted to be a loving partner with great urgency.

- I had been adored by my DH and thought maybe now that I'm a strong, resilient widow, I  did not need quite that level of attention and adoration (ha ). 

- I was out of practice. I had no concept of what middle aged widow me deserved in the dating world.

 

You sound like a loving, amazing woman who is a great catch. You will be adored by the right person. In the meantime, massive support.

[Meema]

Wow. I could have written this post, too. I am in the process of disentangling myself from an emotionally stunted and psychologically abusive man. I was in a daze of loneliness and boredom when I met him. He's smart, interesting, and approaches life in a kind of full-on way that I found very attractive, but after he moved in he became less and less affectionate, more and complaining about all kinds of things, and demanding more and more "space". I learned to live with it, told myself it was better than being alone, that the good outweighed the bad. He told me that he was a good guy protecting me from the bad guys out there who would take advantage of me, while he had no qualms about asking me to support him while he sat around and came up with "brilliant" ideas. I'm not stupid. I have good friends, interesting work, a great kid, and it was 3 years in March since my husband died. But it took this man holding me down and screaming in my face about something pretty trivial to finally wake me up--the fear that ran through my body at that moment made me realize I had to get out. Now.

 

It took 3 days and a threat to call the police to get him to move out. He still has stuff in my garage and stuff of mine I want back. He can't fathom why I'm afraid of him and why I changed the locks. He's come up with a million different reasons why I should take him back. Texts, emails, phone calls. I can't just block him because of our various stuff.

 

I've told everyone I know how awful he is, including the guy that mows my lawn, because I know now how vulnerable I am to wanting to be convinced to take him back. The attention. Even after all that I feel the pull. I don't know if I've always been this vulnerable and just got incredibly lucky when I found my husband, or if being a widow has damaged me. There's been a part of me since he died that's a little attracted to self-destructiveness, you know, what difference does it make anymore. Yet I discovered when it came down to it that I will stand up for myself. I do still want to be alive.

[Mizpah]

Back to say I was just thinking about the subject title of your post, *overcoming* vulnerability.  I don't really want to overcome it.  The ability to be vulnerable is part of being human and a big important part of being in a real relationship.  I think it's more about choosing the right person to allow ourselves to be/appear vulnerable to.  For me, a big problem in my relationship is that HE's not vulnerable, that he doesn't seem to know how to BE vulnerable.  I want to be able to be vulnerable, and trust that that vulnerability will be appreciated and protected.  More theoretical ramblings and I'm out for now

[StillWidowed]

I woke up this morning furious and typed out a big long text telling this guy what a dick he is.  I never hit send.  I laid the phone down and got in the shower.  I got out and still didn't hit send.  Then I did makeup and hair and still didn't hit send.  Then I got dressed, straightened up (yeah ok, not really) and still didn't hit send.  I decided to drive to work and think about it some more.  When I got to work, I re-worded some things, re-read my brilliant masterpiece of a text and still didn't hit send.  I pointed out all the areas where he was a jackass and I had swallowed many hurts.  I pointed out that I was good to him and treated him right, while he treated me like shit.  Yet 6 hours later, I still haven't hit send.  In fact, I erased the text so I didn't somehow accidently send it to him.  I thought about it.  Let myself cool down and realized no matter how much I explained his shortcomings and my awesomeness, it was never going to make him realize what he let go. Am I really that surprised that a man who is disconnected from his emotions and dodging the commitment bullet and lacking character and values, doesn?t want to be in a relationship with someone who will "expect" from him?

 

So Mizpah, I really have to agree with your last post.  I don't want to overcome vulnerability either.  I want to express my love and commitment to someone and not be afraid of them using it to gain control and become emotionally abusive with me.  I want to know that if I give my heart to someone, they will cherish it, and not try to break it.  I want to know that all the time and effort I put into a relationship will be rewarded.  But we don't have any certainties in life.  We can only be our most genuine selves, and have hope that someday, the right person will come along and love us the way we deserve to be loved.

 

 

 

[Guest mawidow]

One more thought: after my first date with New Guy, I had no idea where it would lead, but I did feel strongly, 'even if I get dumped, he will be sweet with my feelings.' I had a strong hunch that if I made myself vulnerable he would not take advantage. It was a helpful gut instinct.

 

[Guest sunshinedaydreamz]

Not sending it I'm sure took some aforethought.

By experience, acknowledging you're hurting imo is like giving him permission to further the hurt and if he is like you say, he will view it as a win and a trophy to the next victim. Just a thought. Hoping you keep strength and save your love for someone who deserves it.

[StillWidowed]

Yes, I'm definitely glad I didn't send it.  I'm currently in the process of the No Contact Rule.  Sixty days to flush this jackass out of my system.  I've engaged a break up buddy that will let me whine, cry, rant and rave over the injustices of my hurting heart.  Then after 60 days I'm cut off.  But something tells me I'll be in much better shape before then.