Stop this train, I want to get off.

[PhotoJunkie]

Sunday is the three year mark of the accident that changed my life in ways I never imagined.  You have all been there and watched the crash and burn so I don't need to repeat a lot of it here.  Its been a rough week.  My FIL's 4 year mark was the 19th.  Im stressed to the max in my new living place, dealing with my sister/daughter issues, starting a new job that is stressful etc. 

 

I get my daughter this weekend and we have been trying to keep it upbeat and both of us are failing.  We went to the mall tonight, had planned to do six flags theme park tomorrow and then hunker down on Sunday.  But while at the mall I got a phone call from someone very important in my life.  I call her mom, even though biologically she isn't mine.  This woman and her husband adopted me of sorts many years ago.  When my dad couldn't pay the school bill on the private school he insisted I attend, they stepped up and paid the bill quietly.  I only found out by accident and Im not supposed to know.

 

When at the age of 18 I became pregnant, they didn't judge.  She gave me a job in her Kindergarten room and took me out shopping for all the things she thought I would need.  It wasn't a cheap trip either.  She bought the outfit my child came home from the hospital in and several years later she bought the one my daughter came home in.  When my son was delivered the nurses asked if she was family and she replied, Well she calls me mom.....and I do.  When the man and I got married several months after our son was born, she helped me plan.  She went behind my back and upgraded the decorations from the ones I could afford to the ones I wanted.  She surprised me with them the day of.  My wedding was absolutely beautiful thanks to her.  Her husband was willing to step in as the father role as well when the family dynamics went to hell in a hand basket.  Their son and my husband were best friends from kindergarten on.  He is known as my boyfriend and even his wife plays along.

 

So Im sure you can guess where this is going.  She has stage 3 Pancreatic cancer, currently asymptomatic.  It was found during a routine screening for something else.  Im devastated.  Im angry.  Im sad.  Im overwhelmed but most of all I am 100% completely jealous of her.  I would take this from her if I could so that I could join my husband.  Im tired.  IM oh so tired of pretending IM getting better.  Im tired of fighting the universe for a single scrap of happy.  My son doesn't need me and has flat out said he doesn't want me in his life.  My daughter is thriving with my sister. And I am here.  In the dark.  Getting ready to lose yet another person who I love and adore and watch a dear friend go down the dark rabbit hole of grief.  He has a wife to support him and good family though.  I don't.  Ive lost all touch with any mutual friends we had and anyone he worked with.  My sister and I's relationship has hit an all time low. 

 

Im tired.  I want her cancer.  I want an excuse to look at the world and say I can legitimately give up now.  I choose quality over quantity.  But I can't.  Im stuck with quantity. 

 

She didn't want to tell me this weekend as she is well aware what this weekend means to me.  Unfortunately word got out and she was afraid it would be posted on Facebook before she could tell the important people.  (damn Facebook and people who can't help but run and be the first to share things that should remain private)

 

My daughter is very sad.  She's trying not to because she's afraid it will bring me further so now we are seriously back to the beginning.  Im over this life.  Just over it.  Every time I try to change it for the positive something sling shots it back to darkness.  Im tired.  I don't want to keep fighting anymore. 

 

 

[widowat33]

(((PJ)))

This lady sounds like a wonderful person, to step in and do so much for you, very special.

I'm sorry that this is all happening right now, what a shitload of stuff to deal with all at once.

I have been trying for the past five minutes to think of the right thing to say..I am coming up blank. Just wanted to let you know that I'm thinking of you.

 

[Virgo]

She sounds like an amazing woman. I guess it's your turn to be there for her. Praying for you both! (I hate cancer!)

[Trying]

(((PJ))) my heart goes out to you and your "mom", cancer is such a f***ing bitch and doesn't care who it hits.  This woman has obviously been such a blessing in your life, I'm sorry you are faced with yet another painful reality.

 

All of my thoughts and prayers for strength and peace for you,your "mom" and all of her loved ones.