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Guilt over anger?


ColSavMama
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I have a question.

 

My husband passed away in December. He and I were married for six years, and we really didn't have a good marriage. He wasn't a good person. He drank, and had affairs, and was verbally and mentally and sometimes physically abusive. I have been thinking a lot of how to get closure for myself.

 

I had him cremated and am doing a bio urn with his ashes. If you don't know what that is, its when you mix the ashes with seeds into a biodegradable urn and bury them to grow into a tree together. I decided to bury our rings, along with a few other things, with the ashes and seeds. I am contemplating also writing him a letter to bury with it all.

 

I am so ready to put our entire marriage behind me. I have no good memories. The few happy times I can think of are some how twisted in with bad memories. Like, I can remember him being really sweet and kind one day, but know that it only happened cause he was trying to make up for something really bad he did.

 

Here's the thing though. I am scared to write the letter. I am scared to even say any of this out loud. I feel like, once someone is gone, people think they should just be forgiven. Only good things remembered or spoken of. I feel like if I talk about how angry I still am, or how much I still just hate him, or if I write this letter full of hate, that I'm going to put out bad karma. I feel like the universe and God will think I am just a cold hearted person. I know that sounds crazy, but it frightens me.

 

I've tried to just forgive him and move on. But, things that he did still surface to this day. I am still finding out, 7 months later, about things that happened while he was alive. So it's hard to not be angry all the time. At the same time though, I feel like burying this stuff and writing the letter will be a way to get closure. To just put the entire marriage behind me and move on.

 

Is this weird? Am I crazy for thinking that saying or writing bad things about someone who has died is just a cruel thing to do,?

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I don't think it is weird or cruel. Speaking the truth can be cruel, but it doesn't mean that it isn't the truth and needs to be spoken. If that is what you need to do to let it go, I think you should. I also think you can forgive someone and still suffer hurt from their actions.

 

 

Maybe the idea of burying the letter is like burying your anger. How about burning the letter and burying the ashes of it?

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I don't think there is anything wrong at all speaking the truth about him or your marriage

There is nothing left to hide and hopefully this will be freeing for you

the letter you write is all you and for you

write it when you are ready

 

 

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My husband and I didn't have the "typical" marriage as well. He passed away suddenly and let me tell you I had huge anger issues at everything.  The funeral home director suggested for the kids and I to write a letter to him this was right after his passing and I let him have it.  I don't think it is cruel at all, you are just speaking the truth. 

 

 

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Guest sunshinedaydreamz

A tough call. My sister in law had buried a note, in a plastic bag, at my spouses grave. 2 years later, we had a huge falling out, where she showed her true colors, and I felt the compulsive need to dig it out, and destroy it. It basically disintegrated, inside the sealed bag. So there was no need to obliterate it further. Long story short, I thought it would have been intact, but the elements biodegraded it by itself. The rings I would cash in regardless of the fact they give you little regarding true value, it is still something, and perhaps you can use what little money on something for yourself. Karma, well I don't know. I think looking into the future, he is gone. The bad memories will hopefully be replaced by good. I did many symbolic gestures, regarding my spouses memory, don't really know if it did anything for a closure. I think closure is realizing where we are in life, and where we eventually end up, with regards to feelings we once may have had, and years later, although I never remarried, or have intentions to, I did what I felt I had to. Not for anyone else, but for what works for me, now. Wishing you peace.

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Oh boy. Yeh. The anger.  My marriage was awfully fabulous and a mish mash of emotion.  Am I glad she's gone?  No. Absolutely not.  Am I glad she's not holding me back?  Absolutely yes.

 

I wrote a blog post about it here which you might find reassuring to read.  It's called 'Get off the pedestal: you're a fucking bitch, wife' http://eerilycheerily.com/2015/02/27/get-off-the-pedestal-youre-a-fucking-bitch-wife/

 

You're allowed to say and think whatever you want, hun.

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Guest sunshinedaydreamz

Yes Gracelet's blog.

She has an amazing way of putting the widowing experience in perspective.

:o

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Guest nonesuch

it takes time.

 

You can go read my post in "other circumstances."  I was pretty angry the first (okay, many) months after Late Husband's death.  We were headed for divorce.  He never knew it, but the same day I decided to start packing my things to move was the day I came home and he told me he was terminally ill.  Sometime I still feel a little jealousy that some here had such great marriages. 

 

My husband was an active alcoholic during our marriage.  In my naivete and youth, I thought he'd outgrow it.  Of course it doesn't work that way.  His shortcomings don't reflect on me, though.  I came to believe that he loved me the best that he could.  As a frail, flawed mortal, what he did was the best he could do.  I still have my moments.  I never felt guilt for feeling angry, but feeling angry at someone when you can't hash hash things out with them isn't great either.  LH was drinking so heavily the last ten years of our marriage, I never brought anything up then, either.  I had a metric fuck-ton of issues to work through.

 

PM me if you want. 

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