Sugarbell Posted August 4, 2015 Share Posted August 4, 2015 I will try to keep this concise. I have tried to still do volunteer work for Suicide Prevention behind the scenes. We finally have a state chapter AFSP...and after 2 years of taking a break from out of darkness walk...I agree to raise money this year. I have been asked to be the main speaker that day. It's in our city park..Our team has been there for years-and the walk coordinator approached me. I told her I needed to think about it. It's such an emotionally draining day/walk..and it's in Sept this year-2 days after my 8 year mark. A part of me wants to...because speakers in past years have been rather down...depressing...crying...That I am at a stage I could be more uplifting and hopeful. But my kids...my life now. I want to continue doing volunteer work in drug prevention/suicide prevention...but I don't want to be in the past. I want to lift myself and others up...not bring myself down. And it's such a heavy duty topic...but yet I feel I "should" speak and offer hope....I just don't know if I "want" to. Does that make sense? Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Needytoo Posted August 4, 2015 Share Posted August 4, 2015 I think you are making complete sense to me. I volunteer with my widow support group to give extra support because I know first hand not having any really is a horrible thing to go through. But just like you I don't want to focus on my pain or what I went through I want to focus on the person who needs the help right now. I really don't want to keep going back to those dark times I want to proceed in life. But the last time I volunteered it didn't go well and I honestly don't know if I will go back. Guess I really don't know what advice I can give except that I know when a member posts something positive on here it really gives me a boost of hope. Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Sugarbell Posted August 4, 2015 Author Share Posted August 4, 2015 My oldest son is helping raise money for our team ...but made it very clear he doesn't want to be at the walk. I respect his decision. We skipped it all together last year because I really needed away from it. My younger 2 are fine going. This year I kinda got roped back in with the forming of our AFSP chapter (we were one of only 6 states not to have one).... So I am walking/helping...speaking..not sure. They have tried to get other local SOS to speak on TV about the walk or be interviewed for the paper. I always refuse because of my kids-mostly my oldest. It's not that I am ashamed at all-I just have to respect my kids lives in this tiny area. But yet-When I lost DH there was no chapter, no walks...Nothing. I was very isolated in my grief (except this board) and we have made amazing strides in this tiny area with suicide prevention/awareness (prevention is now mandatory teaching in all middle/high school health classes thanks to a new law passed this year. When I think of DH-I no longer focus on suicide-We made peace with each other a few years ago. But yet-I know how much I needed support/peers/knowing I wasn't alone in the beginning of this mess years ago. Maybe the answer will come to me-right now I am still unsure Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Needytoo Posted August 4, 2015 Share Posted August 4, 2015 I know Sugarbell, all of this is hard. Is the coordinator alright with your delivery method? Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
WifeLess Posted August 5, 2015 Share Posted August 5, 2015 Sugarbell, I understand your reluctance to participate. At 6 years since my wife's suicide, my life is very different from what it was during the months immediately following her death. My everyday concerns are now far removed from issues related to suicide, and I no longer have the passion to continue to make the point as I once did. On the one hand, this a good thing, a sign of great healing. But on the other, it is an important issue. So I understand the dilemma you are facing. Whatever you decide, I'm sure it will be the right decision for you and your children. --- WifeLess Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
rememberingjason Posted August 5, 2015 Share Posted August 5, 2015 From all of my years reading on the boards and your advice and thoughts you are a very inspiring and uplifting but realistic person and people need that. If you aren't ready or don't want to do it then don't. However, if you are just hesitant but really know that you reaching out will help someone else and it will just be uncomfortable for a little while then by all means do it. You have to do what is best for you and your children overall! I hope it comes to you, Amanda Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
AndysWife Posted August 14, 2015 Share Posted August 14, 2015 I just hit the 4th anniversary this week and I must say, I'm a bit tired of thinking about everything to do with suicide. I understand your dilemma though because I have been asked to participate in a counselling group over here for the newly bereaved by suicide. I *want to be able to help because I was on my own when it happened to me and I hate the idea of new widows being left to flounder, especially those with no supports and small kids like me but at the same time, I want a rest from it all - as if that's ever possible but I hear you and you make complete sense. Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Sugarbell Posted August 14, 2015 Author Share Posted August 14, 2015 Well...I haven't answered her yet...But I am not doing if. I will come early and help set up-then bolt...my kids don't care either way...and it's the Saturday of my sons bday...he will have an afternoon baseball game and want friends over. My focus has always been on his birthday that day (bday on bens death day-walk is 2 days after death day)...I want to live in the present...the now. My guilt comes cause several DHs friends show up to the walk--but they know my situation. I have also been dealing with if 24/7 for 8 years....it's totally different than remembering a friend. Both the walk coordinators lost a sibling to suicide. One was 19 years ago. I swear she has made her brothers legacy suicide. I never wanted that as Bens legacy. They have passed a law making suicide prevention mandatory classes in grades 5 5-12. That will be hard on my kids...they are staying home that day. It also appears that a lot of this is the coordinators feeling good about themselves, ego stroking, etc...But honestly...the walk is not uplifting...it's draining. And I sense a power struggle between volunteers (ego driven) Sticking with my gut...showing up early without my kids...setting up and bolting. Then choosing to LIVE the day in the PRESENT moment. Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
AndysWife Posted August 14, 2015 Share Posted August 14, 2015 It sounds like a headache if the organisers are like that. I agree about the legacy thing too. Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
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