Name that emotion ...

[jlp]

Hi, all.  I feel bad that I haven't been very supportive here lately, though I read every day.  I have pretty much been a train wreck for the last month or so and I don't even know why.  I finally feel like I can try to articulate it though.

 

July 2 was the one-year anniversary.  Made it through just fine.  I had already noticed by then that my grief was starting to abate and that's still true.  But a few weeks ago I noticed that I am constantly on the verge of tears even when I don't feel particularly sad.  They're just always there, lurking.  I have been experiencing a bit of anger (people constantly disappointing me), but that's not really it either.  I just seem to cry at everything -- TV commercials, you name it.

 

Anyone have any idea what might be going on?  Is this just part of the process?  And why can't a put a finger on exactly what I'm feeling?  This is just very frustrating.

 

 

 

[widowat33]

I'm just a couple of days behind you, July 10th was a year for me.

I wish I could "name that emotion" but unfortunately I can't even name my own most of the time.

I dreaded the one year date, but it went a lot better than I thought it would, I actually had a pretty good day.

It could be part of the process. I know I used to feel almost guilty because I was coping better than I thought I should be, then I would feel afraid that I was coping too well and that I would crash hard. Now I don't even try to figure out what I'm feeling, I just go with it. If I have a good day I enjoy it knowing tomorrow might not be so great.

Wishing you peace

[MrsT85]

Sounds to me like good old fashioned emotional exhaustion. 

 

I'm about 2.5 years out (lost him on 4/6/13) but I still regularly go though periods where I just feel worn down and defeated, especially if I'm stressed out or worrying about something else.  I'm going through one of them now, in fact, and have been for a few months because things at work have been just awful.  So I'm finding myself back in the familiar headspace where I'm crying to myself every morning on the train and longing even more intensely than usual for my old life back.  I'm just exhausted, and because I don't really have an emotional buffer anymore to handle that sort of thing, it means I'm back to crying a lot.

 

And this is coming from someone without kids.  I can't imagine how exhausted you solo parents must be all the time. 

[Jess]

I am in the neighborhood of your timeline as well- July 26 was my one year. I've been fragile these last few weeks. I try to tell myself it is stress from work as I had to take the stand at a trial and my department is undergoing a re-org and there is so much uncertainty, but I know that a lot of it may have to do with fallout from the one year. I am crying more often than I had been. I hate it.

[kpgct]

Great title for a post! "Name that emotion" always seems like a pretty popular game in my house .

 

I do remember having very similar feelings right around the post-1 year mark (as well as post year 2, and maybe a bit still at year 3) , and I suspect that it might be a combination of both fatigue and disappointment. We work very hard to make it from milestone to milestone, only to find that after the anniversary has passed, nothing has really changed. In the big picture, sure; we can reflect on the difference in how we felt a year ago relative to how we feel now, but 11 months relative to 1 year 1 month? Not so much. And dammit, we made it this far! Where's our reward?

 

I think it's common to feel restless and irritable when we're still tired from having gotten to where we are now, and we recognize that where we are isn't where we want to stay in the long run. And in the long run? Those uncomfortable feelings will be the thing that motives positive change, but right now? Yuck. :-\

 

I wonder if it can be likened to reaching another level of base camp on the journey, maybe we could benefit from taking some time to sort through the backpack, clean out the debris, freshen up the resources, and just rest. You got this far, maybe you could take some time to applaud your progress (as ambiguous or fleeting as it might sometimes seem) before you contemplate stepping back onto the trail.

 

From much further down the road (8 years in November), I'd like to reflect that it still is early days yet. And while the work to mentally reorganize and recalibrate is all very difficult in the beginning, the changes you need to process (actively/passively) to get from year 1 to 2 are uniquely challenging. ((Big hugs)) to all of you, and hopes that you can see your progress for the accomplishment that it is. In the meantime, stealing a quote from fellow YWBBer Ann E., be gentle with yourself...

[Jen]

Sounds to me like good old fashioned emotional exhaustion. 

 

This is me. I'm more or less okay in most areas of my life, but I'm absolutely exhausted with feeling. I don't want to do it anymore-- I don't want to feel anything. I'm tired of hurting-- there's this constant ache from which there simply is no relief. I would like to think a day will come when I'm better than just okay-- when I'm not lonely and sad, even when I'm occupied with something else. I don't know if or when that will happen, though.

 

Hugs. I'm right there with y'all...

[MissingMyJon]

I am just over 15 months, and I am on the verge of tears all the time.  I have been since about 10 months out.  I don't know why it is.  My emotions are so just close to the surface.  I think some of it is exhaustion... physical exhaustion running around with my 4 kids and having not really slept the last 15 months, some of it emotional exhaustion, the exhaustion of dealing  with a new life I don't really want.  I think for me some of it is also that I have spent a lot of time having to "hold in" my grief until I am alone, and having to do so with my emotions so close to the surface, my sadness has spilled out, triggered by just about anything and everything. 

 

I am right there with you... I hope it is just another phase and will eventually pass. 

[twistedmensa]

I have the same issue of tears constantly right at the surface. I'm at 15 months and I really thought I might be turning a corner as far as my emotions, but the past three or four days have been a nightmare. I'm back to crying multiple times a day and completely breaking down at night. I've taken to turning the music up loud while I take a shower so I don't wake anyone. I suppose it doesn't help that I'm having constant hot flashes and all the other fun side effects of pre-menopause. If I could live in the freezer, I would....sigh.

[jlp]

As always, you guys ROCK!  I know I can count on mentioning something here and being assured that I am not alone, not crazy or abnormal  (That's not to say I'm normal, either, but that's another story!)

 

I saw my psychologist today -- I hadn't seen her in two months.  I explained to her what is going on and she pretty much confirmed what a lot of you are saying -- emotional exhaustion.  We spend Year One just trying to survive, make it through the first year -- then totally crash.

 

I know that for me, I pushed myself pretty hard -- doing the "grief work" (two grief groups, grief counselor, psychologist), accepting every social invitation even when I didn't feel like it, taking the initiative for a few get-togethers myself, etc.  And now I'm shot.  Spent.  Worn out.  I just can't do it anymore.

 

And I guess this is pretty typical.  She said I needed to give myself permission to be a wreck until at least the end of this month.  That just like trying to "fight" the grief, trying to fight this isn't going to help either.  So, I guess I need to embrace feeling shitty.  Lovely.  But I guess we can take a little consolation in the fact that this is part of the process and should get better. 

[hikermom]

I do remember having very similar feelings right around the post-1 year mark (as well as post year 2, and maybe a bit still at year 3) , and I suspect that it might be a combination of both fatigue and disappointment. We work very hard to make it from milestone to milestone, only to find that after the anniversary has passed, nothing has really changed. In the big picture, sure; we can reflect on the difference in how we felt a year ago relative to how we feel now, but 11 months relative to 1 year 1 month? Not so much.

 

For me, this is really what it was immediately following year 1 and 2. Both years, the anniversary itself was fine. I was very deliberate in my approach to the day and was open to really feeling whatever came to me. The next day, not so much. I guess I lived in the hope of a miracle that somehow my life would be different, that I would feel different but I didn't.

 

I think what you are feeling is very natural and almost universal. There may not be an adequate name for it but it is real. Angst? Not really but a bit. Perhaps there is a word from another language like Saudade? I love that word - captures so much of what I feel.

[MissingMyJon]

hikermom,

 

I just googled "Saudade".  Love what it means.  That is a perfect word to capture what I feel as well.

 

 

[Rayspumpkin]

I'm almost 3 years out...11/11/12 and I still have days when I wake up and just feel EVERYTHING and days when I feel nothing. Hugs to you while you travel this horrible road. I even dated a guy for a year...thought I was "over the hump" now that I'm single again...because I realized no one else would ever do; my grief attacks harder and more sporadically. Good luck on riding the coaster. I hope your safety belt is tighter than mine.