jlp

Minnesota. Feel pretty alone here in the upper Midwest.

:'(

As always, so glad to know I'm not alone. This is my second Christmas, too, and it is awful. Feeling so sad and lonely. I think last year was easier only because I was still in shock. Now reality has set in and it sucks.

Thanks for sharing, Maureen. Someone shared it to my Facebook, too, and I was going to share it here, but you beat me to it! It's so true and so sad -- and tired? Yes, tired of everything.

Thanks for sharing, canadiangirl -- that was hilarious! After doing pretty well for about a month, I've found myself to be quite weepy the last couple of days, for no apparent reason. This was just what I needed!

So, are there really such things as "gigolos"? Only in Vegas, I'm sure. Hmmm. Maybe a Bago for us ladies? Or maybe I should just up my antidepressant...

Justin, so sorry for your "episode." I do think sometimes our minds/bodies take control without us knowing it and without us knowing why. You and I are on a very similar timeline. I've been feeling so good the last couple of weeks and then boom! a meltdown today for no apparent reason. I can accept the rollercoaster, but not its capriciousness.

I am so, so sorry Fuchsia. Even when you know it's coming, it's still a shock when finally happens. It's the emotional equivalent of losing a limb. Please ask for as much help as you can (something I wish I had done more of) and be gentle with yourself. One day, one hour at a time for now and lean on us. BTW, if you have the services of a grief counselor through your hospice program, well -- I found that to be quite helpful and it's worth considering.

Totally agree -- and never thought about it this way before!

I think what you are experiencing is typical. I know I started feeling "better" just past the six month mark. It was about that time I started seeing a psychologist, knowing I wouldn't have my grief counselor forever. I distinctly remember discussing this very thing with her at about the 8-9 month mark -- feeling guilty because my grief was starting to abate. Evidently this is pretty normal and all part of the healing process, although a painful, unexpected part. I just can't help but think that if we didn't progress out of the intense early grief -- well, it would probably eventually do us in. Just too much physical/mental/emotional stress. So yes, while it's nice to feel some relief, it does come with other emotions. Ugh. The antidepressants may be helping, too, but I still think overall it's a natural progression.

I haven't gone out to eat alone a lot, but I guess I've had pretty good luck. I agree, sometimes sitting at the bar is the way to go. You can chat with bartender and other patrons, but because you're having something to eat, you don't feel like people are looking at you as if you're just trying to pick someone up!

I have always talked freely about my husband since he died. There are a handful of people who will also discuss him with me, but I would say the majority seem uncomfortable. It's not unusual. I think people are worried I'll get all emotional talking about him (and I might!) but that's OK. Like so many things about widdahood, unless you've been there ...

Many thanks to everyone for all your ideas and suggestions -- some of which I have thought of (and done) and some which had not occurred to me. Definitely food for thought in the coming months. While I have come to expect ups and downs, this last "down" was worse and lasted longer than what I might have expected at this stage. After having some time to reflect, I realize it was a culmination of things: summer getting started on the wrong foot and never getting back on track, myriad small disappointments, and probably, more significantly, a couple of minor health issues. I didn't realize how much they were affecting me until I finally started feeling better a few weeks ago. This past year had been a learning experience in so many ways, particularly in terms of who I can and can't count on and for what. While I sometimes feel a bit pressured to start thinking about a "new life," I'm not there yet. What I really need to focus on is my physical, mental, and emotional health; set boundaries; and adjust my expectations. I also need to work on not only de-cluttering my mind, but also my house (my mom died three years ago and I still have a bunch of stuff in an overflowing closet that needs to be addressed and I just haven't been able to deal with it thus far). My psychologist says I could be the "poster child" for how to effectively handle grief and I know that I have worked very hard and feel I've made much progress. Now I need to address more of the "nuts and bolts" of life -- I will not be able to move forward until I do so. For now, I sit on atop of the fence, where I may stay for a while and that's OK. Thanks to everyone for attending my "pity party."

I'm going to have to remember that "dick implant" line -- that is hilarious! While I can't relate to getting parenting advice, I can say I do receive a lot of other unsolicited advice. Apparently, my IQ dropped 40 points when my husband died and I don't know anything anymore.

I can't say I've lost friends, but most of our "couple" friends are a lot more distant. On the other hand, some people that I wasn't particularly close to before have really stepped up and have been a great help. I haven't made a lot of new friends yet, but I am going to start to try to make more of an effort. It's hard, though. I can't believe someone said you're not as much fun anymore. Really? It just goes to show how clueless people are. But I guess if you haven't lived it, you just have no idea ...

I suppose this should go into the "The first year and beyond" category, but I thought I would try to expand to include as many thoughts and ideas as possible. I entered year two on July 3 of this year and I am really struggling. As sick as it seems, I find myself sometimes briefly wishing for the shock and numbness of the early weeks/months. I was in total shock the first three months and the next three, slightly less. Still, I can't believe what I accomplished during those months. I was operating on shock and adrenaline and was so productive. But now? The shock is long gone and so is most of the grief. I'm just depressed. I just can't get enthused about anything. Nothing seems to bring me joy and even things that I found so therapeutic last summer (being outside and working in the yard) just seem like one more thing I've got to deal with. How do people find meaning and purpose again? I thought that maybe because I don't have children it might be worse for me, but from reading various posts here, I know that to not be the case. I'm doing what I can to stay engaged, to exercise, eat right, etc. But I just can't seem to catch a break on anything and I'm really running out of enthusiasm. So that people don't worry unnecessarily, I do see a mental health professional (next appointment in ten days) and as great as she is, she is still a DGI. I am encourage by posts I've seen that tell me to keep hanging on, things will get better. I can't help but think that they will, but if anyone has any comforting advice in the meantime, I would be most appreciative.

I read about it in the paper this morning. I think if more people were as open and genuine about their grief as Joe Biden, it would be a plus for society. As it is, I don't think in this country we "do" grief and death very well and as a result, it feels all the more lonely when we experience it.

Justin is right. For about the first two months, I didn't care if I lived or died. I would never have the courage to off myself, but feeling this way is perfectly normal. It is also quite normal to feel you are losing your mind. You are still very early in. If you haven't done so, you might want to schedule an appointment with your doctor. It's very important that you take care of your physical health now as best you can. He might be able to prescribe some Xanax or something to help with the panic attacks. I hope going back to school won't be too overwhelming. With any luck, it may provide some focus and diversion. There is probably nothing you are thinking that at least one of us here hasn't thought, too, so please keep posting. And I learned early on it was critical to try to stay in moment as much as possible -- looking too far into the future gave me huge anxiety.

I am so sorry you've had to join our club but glad you found us. I don't have a lot to add to the excellent suggestions already presented here. I found it helpful to really try to stay in the present -- looking too far into the future was just too much. A daily "to-do" list helped me to stay focused, even if it was just "go to the post office and get gas." And remember to be kind to yourself. We've all found ourselves in uncharted territory and it can be overwhelming. There is no right or wrong -- try different things and go with what you find helpful. And keep us posted -- we really do care.

As always, you guys ROCK! I know I can count on mentioning something here and being assured that I am not alone, not crazy or abnormal (That's not to say I'm normal, either, but that's another story!) I saw my psychologist today -- I hadn't seen her in two months. I explained to her what is going on and she pretty much confirmed what a lot of you are saying -- emotional exhaustion. We spend Year One just trying to survive, make it through the first year -- then totally crash. I know that for me, I pushed myself pretty hard -- doing the "grief work" (two grief groups, grief counselor, psychologist), accepting every social invitation even when I didn't feel like it, taking the initiative for a few get-togethers myself, etc. And now I'm shot. Spent. Worn out. I just can't do it anymore. And I guess this is pretty typical. She said I needed to give myself permission to be a wreck until at least the end of this month. That just like trying to "fight" the grief, trying to fight this isn't going to help either. So, I guess I need to embrace feeling shitty. Lovely. But I guess we can take a little consolation in the fact that this is part of the process and should get better.

I had kind of noticed this, too, but I figured it was probably just because it's summer and people are busy. That's probably some of it, but from reading the posts on this thread, it would appear that some of us are just having a hard time lately. Sometimes it's hard to offer (or even ask for) encouragement when you're in a bad place. I found ywbb about two weeks after DH's death, but didn't join for another couple of weeks. Even then, I probably didn't post for several months, but read every day. I agree, I think it will just take some time for this site to get more up to speed, but I think it will.

I'll be thinking of you. I'm sure this will be hard, but look at what you've already done!

Hi, all. I feel bad that I haven't been very supportive here lately, though I read every day. I have pretty much been a train wreck for the last month or so and I don't even know why. I finally feel like I can try to articulate it though. July 2 was the one-year anniversary. Made it through just fine. I had already noticed by then that my grief was starting to abate and that's still true. But a few weeks ago I noticed that I am constantly on the verge of tears even when I don't feel particularly sad. They're just always there, lurking. I have been experiencing a bit of anger (people constantly disappointing me), but that's not really it either. I just seem to cry at everything -- TV commercials, you name it. Anyone have any idea what might be going on? Is this just part of the process? And why can't a put a finger on exactly what I'm feeling? This is just very frustrating.

Thanks for bumping this thread -- I needed the reminder. Unfortunately, I've been very bad about this lately because I never managed to make it a habit. I think I need to try again. Having said that, it's been a rather difficult summer -- I can't believe how much people continue to disappoint me and let me down. I know it's a busy time of year but still, it's discouraging. I guess I need an attitude adjustment and no one can do that for me but me.

IMHO, once a widow, always a widow. You've just experienced another tremendous loss, which I can't help but think dredges up a lot of previous emotions. You're doing the right thing, though I won't claim to know how you feel. But when it comes to loss, we all here can certainly relate -- you are in the right place.