I caught my mind acting like my 6 year old

[robunknown]

 

It hasn't been for awhile but in the past my 6 year old has tried to make "potions" or other experiments to bring back his mom. I think I have finally convinced him she can't come back.

 

I found my brain over the past week trying to bring her back as well, or at least not think of her as dead. I guess you could call it denial. I started to become obsessed with a time period very early in our relationship where we had broken up after a couple of years and we were seeing other people for about 6 months. We started emailing each other in secret a few months in, I kept it from the girl I was dating, and she kept it from the guy. The emails were not "hot and spicy" but reading between the lines we really missed each other. We only met a couple of times during those few months, even though it was 14 years ago, I still remember the excitement of seeing her. I realized I was in a denial last night, after I said to the darkness, "fuck the rules, come back to me".

 

I keep thinking I can outsmart this whole grieving process, but at the end of the day it is still there.

[Bluemoon15]

God bless your son's heart. I simply cannot imagine having to deal with the grief of your young child, along with your own. 

 

I can relate to what you are saying.  At nine weeks out, I still wake up every morning hoping and praying that it was all just a very bad nightmare; instead, reality slaps me in the face.

 

I had to be on the road last night and we had very foggy conditions here.  My elderly mother was depending on me to get to her house about ten miles away.  At one point, visibility was so poor that I felt like I was driving blind.  I got scared for just a brief moment, and then I thought, "Well if I run off the road and bump my head, maybe I'll wake up and he'll be there.  He'll tell me that everything I though happened was just a cruel dream..."

 

May God bless and strengthen you and your little boy.

Rebecca

[singinmomo4]

Rob, I get it.  Months after Rick died I would shout to the universe, to Rick and to God "Enough all ready!  Come back NOW!".  Of course it didn't work any better than your son's potions.

 

I also wrote an email to him one night.  I sent it to Rick(last name)@heaven.com.  It never bounced back as undelivered so I liked to thin that somehow he got it. 

 

(((((HUGS)))))  to you and your precious boy.

[Jen]

I sent it to Rick(last name)@heaven.com.  It never bounced back as undelivered so I liked to thin that somehow he got it. 

 

 

I *love* this. I may do it myself-- or let my kids send one. My youngest, for sure. Thank you for the lovely idea!

[MrsT85]

Makes total sense to me.  For about six or so months after Tim died, it truly felt like if I could just persevere and stay strong, I'd get him back.  Like this was just a rough patch or challenge, and if I kept my head down and fought through it for X number of months things would eventually get back to normal. 

[robunknown]

Like this was just a rough patch or challenge, and if I kept my head down and fought through it for X number of months things would eventually get back to normal.

 

That sums it up perfectly. I feel like I should be at that "X" number of months. But looking at those feelings in the face now, I know there is no getting back to that normal, and that hurts.

[swilson]

robunknown, I'm sorry for your pain, especially with a little one in tow. Like you, I've been looking for the Grief Express lane for a faster easier checkout and as hard as it is, we have to surrender to the pain of grief. As Helen Keller said, "The only way to the other side is through."