From ten years out...

[MamaZ]

On another forum, in response to a second year widow who posted, concerned that her grieving is harder in year two than before, I composed the following. Oct 30 will be my ten year sadiversary. In some ways, it feels like forever. In other ways, I can still hardly believe it. Anyway, in case any one might find a nugget of this useful or comforting, I thought to share.

 

 

At ten years, I have healed significantly. I am not as shattered as I once was.

 

At ten years, I still love and miss D every day. That is perfectly ok. Not thinking about him at times is ok. Thinking of him ALL of the time is ok.

 

At ten years, I have learned that others want me to be "over it", so my grief is rather personal now. Society hates grief. I've learned to accept that.

 

At ten years, I am tremendously grateful for what we had, rather than bitter for a guarantee we were never given.

 

Grief continues as long as those we love are missing. For me, it comes in waves. There is much good time in between.

 

One should not feel guilty for enjoying these good times. They are a testament to the lasting gift that love left us. I am capable of great joy because D's love showed me what great joy can be.

 

Year two was harder than year one for me. Year one was about survival. Year two, everyone expected me to be better and remarry ("to fix it"). The support was gone at the same time the shock wore off. I had to do this hardest work largely on my own. We do get through this, though. Somehow, it is possible.

 

 

[Jen]

Thank you for this. Ten years... I can't even imagine. You give me some hope that it's doable. (((((HUGS))))

[Quixote]

Thank you.  Four years here.  I think you're right about the need for grief to become private.  After a year, I could tell it had gone from friends and family calling all the time and being supportive to this sort of uncomfortable look whenever I brought my wife's name up.

 

At the end of the day, we do have to learn to deal with the pain on our own.  In my case at least, the only person who could help is gone. 

'

[patriciad]

I am at six years.  I totally agree: Grief continues as long as those we love are missing.

I think in the beginning I thought it would fade and then fade some more till it was almost gone.  I have come to realize that it will never go away.  It is a part of me, this love we had,like my arms or my legs.  My life goes on.  I have found a new love.  I am pretty happy most of the time.  But the grief will always be there-sometimes up front and center but more often in the background.

And yeah-we are pretty much on our own with it. 

Thank God for this board.

 

Pat

[lcoxwell]

I am at six years.  I totally agree: Grief continues as long as those we love are missing.

I think in the beginning I thought it would fade and then fade some more till it was almost gone.  I have come to realize that it will never go away.  It is a part of me, this love we had,like my arms or my legs.  My life goes on.  I have found a new love.  I am pretty happy most of the time.  But the grief will always be there-sometimes up front and center but more often in the background.

And yeah-we are pretty much on our own with it. 

Thank God for this board.

 

Pat

At five days out from reaching the year and a half point, I know I have a long way to go; however, your description here fits me perfectly.

[Losttogether]

I'm glad to read this. I'm coming up on the end of year 3. It's been by far the worst for me even though I'm in a good relationship. I just miss Bill so much. I miss what we had, I'm sad at what he's missing and I'm sad for my kids who still ask me everyday to bring him back. If only...

[widowat33]

Thank you for posting this.

Sometimes it's hard to think that it will get easier, not necessarily better, but easier.

Just the other day I was talking to a friend and told him that after a year everyone expects you to magically be "over it" or at least coping a lot better and I said that's not always how it goes. It's so hard to understand unless you've experienced a devastating loss as we have.