MamaZ

Wow! There are others! I am not some freak of nature for not wanting to play the dating game? I am ten years out. My kids are now 16 and 19. My closest friend is my mom, four states to the north. I socialize casually, but mostly live my life in solitude. As I view an emptying nest, I do not quake in fear, but fantasize about finally getting my house to stay clean. I do have my missing D moments, and can imagine the pleasure of a cuddle, or even sex, but don't have any face to go with that, and cannot fathom that I ever will. Do any of you ever consider more socializing (on line or otherwise) with other widows, contentedly not reattached? All of the wids I know IRL are either remarried, or trying to be, which makes me feel like an enigma, even amongst those who stand a better chance of understanding me (than most). Anyway, a sincere hello and high five to you all, my fellow oddballs. (;

It's been ten years and I still do this. Occasionally someone will comment that it's weird. D and I did life very much together for over twenty years. If I tell stories from most of my adult years, he will be highly likely to figure into it. I usually comment that I am sorry if it weirds them out, but it makes me smile to remember.

The vacation that we just completed (NYC: Broadway, Art museums) Many trips I've managed for us. (Actually saving $ = able to rent!) I caved and took the fam to Disney, with another family (not related to us) That damned boat DID strand us, very first time out! I sold the fucking boat! I managed to tow and set up the big camper (still have it) We are goofier and more irreverent than he could ever imagine I let the kids swear, watch any movies, and have fairly free reign on the net The kids stayed in Madison county schools Our daughter now attends SCAD, a dream school for her Our son is off the charts in academic performance, possibly valedictorian Pod lived to be 20! We bumped the cat count to three, one per person We became snake parents (to 5!) We miss and love him every single day, even ten years out We somehow found a way to be happy

I am ten years along now since cancer stole D from us. Year 2, for me, was in many ways harder than year one. I survived year one, but had serious self grieving work year two. It did not help that society expected me to somehow be magically better after the one-year mark. I am glad to say that it indeed got better for me. I am not exactly sure how or when, but it snuck in there. I can still get hit by an occasional grief wave, but know what those are now, and that they pass. Go gentle on yourself. I know it's difficult to not get frustrated or worried. I hope that, in time, things will get better.

Oh GOOD! When I saw this as a topic, I was worried that you might be warning us off due to a sad plot. My teens and I will probably pay to see this at the theater, unable to wait for it to release for watching at home. Finding Nemo was one of Pixar's very best. I STILL laugh at that one.

Wow. These: "I do not have two different lives, one where Aaron is alive and one where he is not. I have one life, and Aaron’s love and death are an indelible part of it." "I have layers with Aaron and layers without him, but they’re all mixed up. They are all a part of my present moment, because they are all a part of who I am." This poignantly captures my relationship with my DH, even ten years out. He is never gone, but will always be part of who I am, now. Many who want me to get over it, get all better, move on, etc... do not understand. That's ok. I underestimated how moving it is to find someone who does (in the form of an article, in this case). Thank you for sharing.

For me, it's a mixed bag. Our kids were 6 and 9 when cancer won. At 16 and 19, I could not be more proud of them! Sure, at graduation, Honors Night, College orientation, etc... we each felt the inevitable pang that D should be here, but each think, in his/her own way, that he somehow must be. It would be that important to him. I think we also feel a keener sense of pride in the accomplishments, though, given what we were dealt. I cannot believe how well they are doing, all things considered.

Eight months, some day looking back, will be the early days. In MY grief, I hung a ton of hope on society's "end of year 1" time point, only to find out that a non-grieving society has NO clue... I actually found year 2 harder in many ways as most expected me to be ok. I spent year 1 in a blur, tying up loose ends and getting my kids through. Year two was MY year. I wonder if I had put some grief off by keeping so busy. Eventually, I started to recognize grief waves and that they were beginning to space further and further apart. So, It DOES get better eventually, though at times, surviving might feel like a penance. Reach out as often as you can, and focus on what helps YOU.

I am SO sorry that you've had need (loss) to join us! Like you, I was shattered for a long time after that dreaded day. We also were the very best friends who got real joy out of everything that we did together (which was darned near everything!). To get by, I started trying some new activities or places that did not have a husband sized hole, almost an act of rebellion when I went through many "pissed at the universe" phases. Only later, did I tackle things that were more "ours". Whatever works to get you through. There is no playbook full of rules.

How very sorry that you have joined this club. I could relate to your 20 years of doing EVERYTHING together. That was us. There was nothing I could do in my early widowed days that did not have a ragged, fresh, gaping hole in it. Ten years later, I DO find pleasure in the day to day and find ways to do things without him. It might amaze you when you figure out what you might be willing to try or risk for your baby. Our kids were two great reasons for me to keep going, even when I least wanted to. Do whatever helps. Sometimes nothing, sometimes old things, sometimes new, weird stuff.

And you've got to love that, in the US, you can only file taxes as a qualifying widowed person two years. If you are not remarried by year three, too bad: SINGLE now (but no longer widowed? Don't I WISH?).

I highly recommend vacationing just you and the kids! The first trip is the scariest, mostly due to our own imaginations. I vacationed the first few times with family or friends, but eventually tried it on our own and LOVED it! My kids and I share a special irreverence that we simply cannot enjoy if others come along. I am not sure your kids' ages. Mine were 6 and 9 when D passed. Trips we have gone on include camping at nearby parks, rentals in the mtns or at a beach, hotel trips to Chicago, Atlanta, Washington DC, and, this summer to NYC. Be forewarned, once you start vacationing as "just you guys", you might never want anyone else tagging along ever again. It really can be fun! Being generally aware and sticking together goes far in the safety department, too, since you mentioned concerns there. I hope you find a nice starter trip and enjoy it!

I've been feeling rotten for YEARS (cancer took D in '06), and never thought to come to these boards with it. My day to day job takes much more time than any boss realizes. It's chaotic and I do a great job of always delivering high quality and on time. To get promoted requires more though, and I cannot. I am raising two kids completely alone and really am glad to make it to 5PM, intact. I might as well keep working until the youngest gets through college, but my heart is not in this rat race. I also need the medical. I am sorry so many of us have to have learned new values through death, but am glad to (finally) find out that I am neither alone, nor horrible for not being super career driven. My empty nest, empty home future is starting to take on form. I would like to work for myself, possibly selling folk art. I am not sure I could even get any to sell. I am thinking to perhaps try it on the side when my youngest heads to college and see. If I can make some living that way, it could follow me (internet sales, etc) if/when I retire from this crazy corporate life. Meanwhile, I need my current salary to get the kids through school.

Count me in, too. My 18YO daughter is five hours away at college, barely keeping contact. That leaves my 15YO son and I together in the house. Better than being just me, I suppose, but it's challenging and not at all where we were "supposed" to be, dang it! I am 9 years out, and have had quite a lot of time to adjust to a familiy of three. Two feels very small.

Oh yes, the ever popular unsolicited advice... Widowhood brings it on as much (or more) than pregnancy or new parenthood did! I swear, folks advise me on things they never would dare suggest to anyone who still has their spouse. Regrading reigning things in... While I can see feeling the need in public with actual people, I hope you continue to share your gift for prose here with us. Much as you might not aspire to a career in stand up comedy, these were indeed priceless: "...how about I buy you a dick implant and you go fuck yourself?" "you're right, its none of your business..." (: