MamaZ

Wow! There are others! I am not some freak of nature for not wanting to play the dating game? I am ten years out. My kids are now 16 and 19. My closest friend is my mom, four states to the north. I socialize casually, but mostly live my life in solitude. As I view an emptying nest, I do not quake in fear, but fantasize about finally getting my house to stay clean. I do have my missing D moments, and can imagine the pleasure of a cuddle, or even sex, but don't have any face to go with that, and cannot fathom that I ever will. Do any of you ever consider more socializing (on line or otherwise) with other widows, contentedly not reattached? All of the wids I know IRL are either remarried, or trying to be, which makes me feel like an enigma, even amongst those who stand a better chance of understanding me (than most). Anyway, a sincere hello and high five to you all, my fellow oddballs. (;

It's been ten years and I still do this. Occasionally someone will comment that it's weird. D and I did life very much together for over twenty years. If I tell stories from most of my adult years, he will be highly likely to figure into it. I usually comment that I am sorry if it weirds them out, but it makes me smile to remember.

The vacation that we just completed (NYC: Broadway, Art museums) Many trips I've managed for us. (Actually saving $ = able to rent!) I caved and took the fam to Disney, with another family (not related to us) That damned boat DID strand us, very first time out! I sold the fucking boat! I managed to tow and set up the big camper (still have it) We are goofier and more irreverent than he could ever imagine I let the kids swear, watch any movies, and have fairly free reign on the net The kids stayed in Madison county schools Our daughter now attends SCAD, a dream school for her Our son is off the charts in academic performance, possibly valedictorian Pod lived to be 20! We bumped the cat count to three, one per person We became snake parents (to 5!) We miss and love him every single day, even ten years out We somehow found a way to be happy

I am ten years along now since cancer stole D from us. Year 2, for me, was in many ways harder than year one. I survived year one, but had serious self grieving work year two. It did not help that society expected me to somehow be magically better after the one-year mark. I am glad to say that it indeed got better for me. I am not exactly sure how or when, but it snuck in there. I can still get hit by an occasional grief wave, but know what those are now, and that they pass. Go gentle on yourself. I know it's difficult to not get frustrated or worried. I hope that, in time, things will get better.

Oh GOOD! When I saw this as a topic, I was worried that you might be warning us off due to a sad plot. My teens and I will probably pay to see this at the theater, unable to wait for it to release for watching at home. Finding Nemo was one of Pixar's very best. I STILL laugh at that one.

Wow. These: "I do not have two different lives, one where Aaron is alive and one where he is not. I have one life, and Aaron’s love and death are an indelible part of it." "I have layers with Aaron and layers without him, but they’re all mixed up. They are all a part of my present moment, because they are all a part of who I am." This poignantly captures my relationship with my DH, even ten years out. He is never gone, but will always be part of who I am, now. Many who want me to get over it, get all better, move on, etc... do not understand. That's ok. I underestimated how moving it is to find someone who does (in the form of an article, in this case). Thank you for sharing.

For me, it's a mixed bag. Our kids were 6 and 9 when cancer won. At 16 and 19, I could not be more proud of them! Sure, at graduation, Honors Night, College orientation, etc... we each felt the inevitable pang that D should be here, but each think, in his/her own way, that he somehow must be. It would be that important to him. I think we also feel a keener sense of pride in the accomplishments, though, given what we were dealt. I cannot believe how well they are doing, all things considered.

Eight months, some day looking back, will be the early days. In MY grief, I hung a ton of hope on society's "end of year 1" time point, only to find out that a non-grieving society has NO clue... I actually found year 2 harder in many ways as most expected me to be ok. I spent year 1 in a blur, tying up loose ends and getting my kids through. Year two was MY year. I wonder if I had put some grief off by keeping so busy. Eventually, I started to recognize grief waves and that they were beginning to space further and further apart. So, It DOES get better eventually, though at times, surviving might feel like a penance. Reach out as often as you can, and focus on what helps YOU.

I am SO sorry that you've had need (loss) to join us! Like you, I was shattered for a long time after that dreaded day. We also were the very best friends who got real joy out of everything that we did together (which was darned near everything!). To get by, I started trying some new activities or places that did not have a husband sized hole, almost an act of rebellion when I went through many "pissed at the universe" phases. Only later, did I tackle things that were more "ours". Whatever works to get you through. There is no playbook full of rules.

How very sorry that you have joined this club. I could relate to your 20 years of doing EVERYTHING together. That was us. There was nothing I could do in my early widowed days that did not have a ragged, fresh, gaping hole in it. Ten years later, I DO find pleasure in the day to day and find ways to do things without him. It might amaze you when you figure out what you might be willing to try or risk for your baby. Our kids were two great reasons for me to keep going, even when I least wanted to. Do whatever helps. Sometimes nothing, sometimes old things, sometimes new, weird stuff.

And you've got to love that, in the US, you can only file taxes as a qualifying widowed person two years. If you are not remarried by year three, too bad: SINGLE now (but no longer widowed? Don't I WISH?).

I highly recommend vacationing just you and the kids! The first trip is the scariest, mostly due to our own imaginations. I vacationed the first few times with family or friends, but eventually tried it on our own and LOVED it! My kids and I share a special irreverence that we simply cannot enjoy if others come along. I am not sure your kids' ages. Mine were 6 and 9 when D passed. Trips we have gone on include camping at nearby parks, rentals in the mtns or at a beach, hotel trips to Chicago, Atlanta, Washington DC, and, this summer to NYC. Be forewarned, once you start vacationing as "just you guys", you might never want anyone else tagging along ever again. It really can be fun! Being generally aware and sticking together goes far in the safety department, too, since you mentioned concerns there. I hope you find a nice starter trip and enjoy it!

I've been feeling rotten for YEARS (cancer took D in '06), and never thought to come to these boards with it. My day to day job takes much more time than any boss realizes. It's chaotic and I do a great job of always delivering high quality and on time. To get promoted requires more though, and I cannot. I am raising two kids completely alone and really am glad to make it to 5PM, intact. I might as well keep working until the youngest gets through college, but my heart is not in this rat race. I also need the medical. I am sorry so many of us have to have learned new values through death, but am glad to (finally) find out that I am neither alone, nor horrible for not being super career driven. My empty nest, empty home future is starting to take on form. I would like to work for myself, possibly selling folk art. I am not sure I could even get any to sell. I am thinking to perhaps try it on the side when my youngest heads to college and see. If I can make some living that way, it could follow me (internet sales, etc) if/when I retire from this crazy corporate life. Meanwhile, I need my current salary to get the kids through school.

Count me in, too. My 18YO daughter is five hours away at college, barely keeping contact. That leaves my 15YO son and I together in the house. Better than being just me, I suppose, but it's challenging and not at all where we were "supposed" to be, dang it! I am 9 years out, and have had quite a lot of time to adjust to a familiy of three. Two feels very small.

Oh yes, the ever popular unsolicited advice... Widowhood brings it on as much (or more) than pregnancy or new parenthood did! I swear, folks advise me on things they never would dare suggest to anyone who still has their spouse. Regrading reigning things in... While I can see feeling the need in public with actual people, I hope you continue to share your gift for prose here with us. Much as you might not aspire to a career in stand up comedy, these were indeed priceless: "...how about I buy you a dick implant and you go fuck yourself?" "you're right, its none of your business..." (:

I remember that scream well. For me, it happened during D's funeral service when I got blasted, unexpectedly, by a slideshow containing photos of D with each newborn child, our wedding day, etc. I swear, that primal scream simply HAS to come out, or else the excruciating pain would kill us, right then and there. I am super sorry that you find yourself there again, even in dreams. I hope that the pain and fear purge to more manageable levels real soon.

Having been both a restaurant worker and a solo dining widow (I dined alone before widowhood, too, during lunch hour), I am fairly sure it has a lot to do with a lone diner, especially one reading or texting, that sends out an "I'm busy" vibe. I almost always read during workday lunch as an escape. Even when I do this at work, surrounded by friends, they only join me after working up the nerve to ask if it would bother me. As a worker, I heistated to interrupt, especially during daytime when actual work might be being conducted by the guest. I never gave lone diners less quality attention. They often tip very well (think business travelers with coporate accounts). One time, as a lone diner, I forgot my book (how horrid!). Thus, I had little better to do than to look around while waiting on my food. Funny, but other lone diners took notice and started conversation, from across the room! I am guessing that looking open and approachable, if not downright socially pathetic, was key.

My eldest just moved five hours away to art school, the culmination of a life long dream. I feel relieved to have gotten one from age nine post cancer to launched, BUT... I underestimated the insanity of missing her, despite being happy about this. The child never calls, does not reply to email, etc... The logical part of me realizes that this is good. She is assimilating and maturing. My momma's heart screams at every "hole" where it seems she should be. It 's a lot like how my heart and mind battled after losing D. I know we survive and have certainly suffered worse, but still felt like getting it out there, to those who best know what it's like. Thanks!

I lost almost all of my friends, many who feared I would suddenly be a home wrecker (threatened by their hubbies wanting to help as they hoped friends would help THEIR families if the worst happened, sigh). A couple friends came back, years later. Another couple never waivered. Weird part is, I lost family, too. I guess D's folks were involved only for him, not for his kids or his wife who should have died instead, perhaps... I feel your pain. It sucks to lose nearly ALL through no fault of our own. Luckily, new friends are to be found. It just takes work and time, unfortunately.

My daughter has drug me through hell with disorganization, not turning work in, and failing grades. She got all As on tests and high enough scores on her SAT and ACT to win national recognition, yet had enough homework zeros to give her Fs in four courses. She was worse each year. She graduated this May by staying after school every day, chasing down work she had not been doing. She leaves for college in two weeks. We will see how that goes, I guess. Far as the driving goes, mine still has no desire there. (Several fatalities in the school made a lot not want to drive). However, had she wanted to, I would have set a minimum grade requirement for doing so. You have my sympathy. Every grey hair on my head has my daughter's name on it. She's really run me through the ringer!

On another forum, in response to a second year widow who posted, concerned that her grieving is harder in year two than before, I composed the following. Oct 30 will be my ten year sadiversary. In some ways, it feels like forever. In other ways, I can still hardly believe it. Anyway, in case any one might find a nugget of this useful or comforting, I thought to share. At ten years, I have healed significantly. I am not as shattered as I once was. At ten years, I still love and miss D every day. That is perfectly ok. Not thinking about him at times is ok. Thinking of him ALL of the time is ok. At ten years, I have learned that others want me to be "over it", so my grief is rather personal now. Society hates grief. I've learned to accept that. At ten years, I am tremendously grateful for what we had, rather than bitter for a guarantee we were never given. Grief continues as long as those we love are missing. For me, it comes in waves. There is much good time in between. One should not feel guilty for enjoying these good times. They are a testament to the lasting gift that love left us. I am capable of great joy because D's love showed me what great joy can be. Year two was harder than year one for me. Year one was about survival. Year two, everyone expected me to be better and remarry ("to fix it"). The support was gone at the same time the shock wore off. I had to do this hardest work largely on my own. We do get through this, though. Somehow, it is possible.

I just cussed D out during the kids' and my beach vacation as I had to decide if I could safely swim, snorkel, surf alone (my teens just saw the rental as a different couch to surf the internet from). He and I were SUPPOSED to be taking advantage of the kids' independence, romantically and otherwise, dammit!

Meet ups came to mind. I really want to get scuba certified and love to surf. I also enjoy hiking, camping, kayaking. Might need an outdoor group for starters. Thanks!

We are nine years post cancer. I've almost completed the unbelievable task of raising our kids to their majority. My nest will soon be empty. While I am open to the possibility of love again, I am not content to wait for it to occur, when it might not. I have come to grips with that, but... So much of what I would like to do, post child rearing, is not typically done alone, for either social or safety reasons. I do NOT want to let life pass me by due to fear or social convention. My kids do not want me to take on too much risk, hoping to keep their remaining parent for awhile. Yet, I feel hale and ALIVE. I don't care to be shelved or benched. Doing this stuff alone was never the plan. D was going to do it all with me. I don't want to waste what time I have. It seems wrong to, given how badly D wanted to stay and how strongly he urged me to live fully, come what may. Have any of you faced this part of the dance yet? I never thought it would come so quickly. It was always in some nebulous future that was yet, "out there ". For those living this now, I would love to hear how you have rationally balanced risk taking with living a full, worthwhile life, or as close what qualifies as one following loss, especially if circumstance has not provided a partner.

Great thread topic! I'm IN! We just lost our cat "Pod" at the age of 20 this January. He simply outlived his body. No specific disease unless he had a hidden cancer. He was D's cat. The night D passed, Pod transferred his bond to our 6 year old son. He was my boy's bestie for 9 years! We sure will miss the old fella. Now we have/still have: "Jack": 11YO short haired black cat who D, the kids, and I rescued (dumped off at a vet clinic) when Pod's brother "Pea" died suddenly of skull cancer at the young age of nine. Jack has been my daughter's baby most of his life. He's crotchety and spoiled rotten! "Nova" is a five year old Abyssinian that was being sold at a cat show, the breeder had to get rid of him. Why, I will never know. That cat is all mine and the most affectionate pet I have ever known. "Nova" was short for "Supernova", but could have easily been for "Cassanova". (: "Bailey" is a seven month old short haired creme tabby kitten that we got from the shelter this February, as my son was painfully lonely without Pod. The two guys (son and kitten) are of similar age right now (teen agers). They really seem to get each other, and, are both nuts!