Awkward with introductions

[Trying]

My new house is in a neighborhood association on a lake. Last night was the first "family " event and I invited new guy and his kids. I haven't met too many neighbors yet so it was great and my youngest got to hang out with a lot of kids close to his age. New guys kids are little and had a ball.

 

Here was my issue, small issue. Introducing new guy to these new people who don't know my situation. I felt the need to tell one woman I was chatting with for a while about DH and how I came to be where I am with new, smaller house in same town and a new guy at my side. It was really nice to introduce him to people who didn't know DH because DH was a bigger than life kinda guy and its a lot to step into. So for his his sake it was easy and nice. But there was this part of me that wants my 20 year marriage and my loss known. My kids don't have a dead beat Dad, they have a dead dad.

 

I want to move forward, I love integrating new guy and his kids more in our lives but there is this pull to let people know I was married to a wonderful man who I would still be with if he didn't die. He would be running and organizing these social events if he was here.

 

I'm not sure if any of this makes sense, I know I should just enjoy the moment.

[Wheelerswife]

I know that I've had years of practice at this and two "rounds" of it, I suppose one could say, but I just have learned that sharing my story is the way to go for me.  When I left Connecticut and moved to Kansas, people figured out that I was new pretty quickly.  When people asked me how I ended up in rural Kansas, I told them it was a long story, but gave them the nutshell version.  My first husband died, I met great guy who taught at the university here and I moved to be with him.  These days, I end up adding...."and then he died" to the story if they realize I'm alone here.

 

It is possible for me to tell my story fairly quickly and matter-of-factly now, if I want to.  If the person I'm speaking with is someone with whom I'll be having more interactions, I leave the door open to talk more...at the present time or in the future.  The more I've done this, the easier it has become.  You are new to a neighborhood, I'm alone in a small university town in Kansas...both situations that trigger people's curiosity and lead to questions.  It is your chance to frame your situation the way you want it to be seen.  Taking control of the situation, answering questions in a manner that promotes respect for you and your New Guy and all of your collective children...you get the opportunity to present all of this in a positive light....or as positively as it can be with the loss of a spouse.

 

Hugs,

 

Maureen

[Guest sunshinedaydreamz]

Enjoy the moment !

[Trying]

Overthinking this as I do with everything!  I am very happy about the present(mostly) but it's still so important to me that people know about DH.  I would love to be more like you Maureen, I'm just awkward in general meeting new people and this makes it worse. I like the idea of framing my situation the way I want it to be seen.  I think that's what I tried to do but did not do it very gracefully.

[Wheelerswife]

Ah, Trying...when we worked together years (and years) ago, I wouldn't have guessed you felt awkward with meeting people, but that was in a professional setting where we met new people every day, but they weren't new friends, but short term clients.  I think you are able to reflect on your recent interactions so that the next time this kind of opportunity arises, you will be able to address questions with more confidence.  Practice, practice practice.  Didn't you recently say, "What we practice, gets stronger?" 

 

Maureen

[Guest mawidow]

Trying, I am continuously so impressed with your trajectory. It feels weird because it IS weird. We had a life that washed away like a sand castle and now we are building another one, while you shepherd kids through the process and include a changing cast of characters. Weird, weird, weird! I am starting to realize that I have not had enough respect for my need to tell my story. I don't mean to complain about it or pity myself, but to honor it and myself. I am starting to feel stressed out by the sense of erasure I've felt lately. Wishing you the path that's right for you. Sending support!

[Trying]

Mawidow, as usual you know how to hit the nail on the head.  I am working deliberately at moving forward but in no way do I want to erase my past or DH.  I am fortunate that because of my kids, my inlaws and our old friends that he is most often still apart of my present. But now that I am venturing out and meeting new people I need to find a comfortable balance between my past and my present. I'm not a big "sharer" but with new people I have this need for them to know about DH and my story.

[lcoxwell]

I have to be honest, I can completely relate to how you are feeling. I love my New Guy and am very happy to be moving forward in my new life with him. At the same time, I have no desire to erase the reason I am here in the first place. The reality is, I wouldn't be here, if my Kenneth hadn't died.

 

I think I am much like Maureen. I feel very comfortable talking about my story. I can easily go from a brief synopsis of Kenneth's death to now I am with a wonderful, new man without batting an eye. Of course, I have always been a very open person (some might say too open), so that helps.