What the hell was I thinking?!

[Trying]

Moving, renovating new house, taking on 2 different certification courses (1 full time, 1 partime), 2 kids and their sports and school stuff, team mom for football, college search with middle son, trying to change my diet and exercise routine.

 

I think I have lost my mind!!  6 months ago I was barely able to make a decision or get more than the necessities done with work and kids and home. I may have taken this whole "positive change" thing to the extreme.  My search for peace and purpose may end up pushing me over the edge.

 

I am approaching the 2 year anniversary of losing Tim and I can't believe this is my life now.  We were settled and content and I never liked change or risk. 

 

Has anyone else felt like they overcompensate for the devestation of loss by changing everything and maybe going too far?

[donswife]

We also never liked change or risk .

Hell I still am at the bank where I opened my first account at the age of 15

I am approaching the 11 month mark since losing Don but I can relate to your post

I have been in a manic phase , finishing up house renovations, cleaning up the garage full of left over construction debris

then when things started to slow down I offered my home up to a engagement party

Will be around 100 people coming to my house(tomorrow) so of course I have been landscaping till dusk

I am not sure if its our way of keeping going because when we truly stop its so hard emotionally

or if I think its harder to hit a moving target so in constant motion

or if you and I know we have to do this things to continue living our new lives

when you find the answer , please let me know

[Guest TooSoon]

My attitude has been: you have nothing left to lose so why not live?  And by live, I basically mean do what you want to.

 

I haven't moved (bc of school for my daughter) and I haven't bolted from the job I love to hate (but often really love, except when I hate it).  And I tip toed into my relationship. But the rest of it?  All bets are off.  Life is completely different now than I ever imagined it would be, or could be.  And I like it. 

 

If it feels like too much, scale back.  You know yourself and your limits better than anyone but there is nothing wrong with change. 

[Guest mawidow]

Trying, I hear ya. After the Novocain wore off from Year 1, I started the Year 2 hustle you described: schoolworksellinghousemovingchangingeverything. Everything was in starter stage all at once which is a huge load on the nervous system. No ability to go on autopilot with anything in one's life. Way outside the comfort zone on every front. But boy are you strong.

 

You don't owe anyone an explanation about what you do or how you do it. Listen to your wise self - this just has to work for you. Sending hugs.

[Needytoo]

I do feel better staying busy but is it overcompensating  or is it just our new lives?

 

  I saw a physic in the summer and she said you will be getting a full time job but it isn't exactly what you want but take it.  I did get my full time permanent job as support staff at the college yippee for me but I also got 7 hours teaching which means I am will have no life I will be marking in my free time.  I still want to do my yoga and pottery and I signed up for line dancing lessons. I have no clue how I am going to be able to do all of this but I am going to try and do it. I still remember I use to come home and just sit and stare at the walls.  I certainly don't do that anymore. 

 

Be proud of yourself Trying. 

[Guest mawidow]

NeedyToo - Is it overcompensating? Is it doing what it takes to build a new life brick by brick? Is it seizing the day because we have touched mortality? Is it therapy via keeping busy? Is it a way to take some small measure of control in an out of control situation?

 

Dunno. But thank you for articulating the question.

[Guest Lost35]

I think we need a sub-forum called, "The Year 2 Hustle" (mawidow)

 

I sold and changed almost the entire contents of our house THREE TIMES.  And moved to a town I had no idea about.  Picture a, "Caravan of Crazy" including one moving van, stuffed, with trailer and DH's beloved MG in tow, one (new-to-me) Jetta, stuffed, with ten-month-old baby, and all of it followed (slowly) by a '67 Volvo 122, stuffed, with things and cat and 150 pound Great Dane X.  At one point, we were all headed for what seemed forever, through this dense forest to some unknown place in the interior of the Island.  I've never driven with my fingers crossed, like I did that day...

 

It's the great escape (that isn't) and the great run away (that never ends up far enough away).

 

You are allowed to correct any mistakes made along this road;  I think that's a Golden Rule, or something.  "Making Life Easier" should be the next sub-forum.  It is earned!

 

 

-L.

[Abitlost]

Trying, all your changes have set you up for a healthy and fruitful future. I admire your courage to take these on. If you're feeling overwhelmed, some things you can let slide like the team mom, maybe only do one certification course at a time, slow down on renovations, etc. Take care of you inside and out.

 

abl

[Justin]

Has anyone else felt like they overcompensate for the devastation of loss by changing everything and maybe going too far?

 

I don't feel like I have been overcompensating, but I definitely embraced change even very early out. I realized that the life I had with DW was over - blown to hell and was never coming back. I felt like if I ever even tried to re-create it, I would be setting myself up for disappointment and it would feel so "false". At even about 1 month out, I had made up my mind to sell our house and move when DD finished high school. To where, I didn't know but I knew it wasn't healthy for me long-term to stay in the house she died in. I saw my grandfather do that, and I didn't want to live out my days that way.

 

Now, DD and I have concrete plans for moving next spring. We are both super-excited about it and you would think that enthusiasm would be a great motivator to finish some projects in the house and prepare it for sale. However, I'm so over living there I just want out. Going to start breaking up projects in small pieces because I've got to get busy.

[ieh21]

interesting and exhausting and wow, I'm impressed!

It is all in your control though, so feel free to slow down if you're overwhelmed.

I feel exactly the reverse way: I am too busy freaking out about how to run my every day life to consider big changes. We've had the same basic vacation plans for five years now and just thinking of changing our destination for, gasp!, spring break, has been driving me to the hell of procrastination...

Good luck with your plans. And don't forget that approaching the anniversary is always emotional, even when we feel ok the rest of the year.

[Trying]

Thanks everyone, I'm a bit overwhelmed, but last year I was overwhelmed without half as much on my plate so I guess that's improvement.  The whole change thing has been like a snowball, from complete indecision and procrastination to the first big decision(to move) and then changing everything.  This is a strange new life, not at all what I ever imagined but I feel good about the direction I'm heading, since going back to my old life isn't option.

[Gabzmom]

Ah! In reading you post, I realized I did the same last year.  Had the exterior painted.  Then out of no where, I lost patience and had my downstairs carpet ripped out and put in new floors to match existing hardwoods.  Done! If I wasn't worn out, I'd put sprinklers in the lawn...

 

ETA: This came after two years of being muddled and indecisive about everything.