Why suicide seems impossible

[keeptrying]

Suicide is complete torture. I am not trying to minimize anyone's pain by this post. There are people who die in accidents, well, it was an accident, people who die of medical issues, you have time to say goodbye. People who die of health problems, you have something to blame. - So many other ways, but suicide is completely different. Suicide, it is nothing but guilt, blame, what if's, trying to understand, trying to relate. A never ending circle of complete mental torture. They transfer the pain off of their shoulders and you carry the burden until you die. You now have to live with the pain. It is so unfair. You beg, you plead. There are so many emotions that I honestly think there aren't even names for. - Oh well, there is nothing you could have done.. It wasn't you, it was him..  That is like hearing those bad break up stories, I'm breaking up with you, it's not you, it is me. No, it doesn't make you feel any better. Seems like a lame excuse. Even if you logically KNOW that you couldn't prevent it and that it was the other person, emotionally is something completely different. I can't bring myself to tell people that he committed suicide. I am too ashamed. I feel as though it taints his wonderful character and I can't imagine what people will assume of me. I assume they think, how did you not know, what did you do, I wasn't good enough. A million and one awful thoughts. It is a burden I will have to carry forever.

 

[GoodyTwoShooz]

It does seem impossible and utter madness. And I am sorry you have lost your husband to this horrible illness. Our loss is different. You can try to wrap your head around suicide from a thousand different perspectives. It will Never make sense. I'm not sure how far you are out but I felt some relief from the anger, depression, and guilt after I started thinking of my dh suicide as a result from a brain illness. An  illness, like undetected heart disease that has had unfortunate and dire consequences. I Know without a doubt how much my dh loved his children, there is nothing in this world that meant more to him. So when I think that whatever happened in his brain the night he died, I know he wasn't in his right mind, wasn't thinking of them or me.

I didn't know, you didn't know and even if you knew things we rent quite right for your husband, in all likelihood there is nothing you could have done to stop it. No one person is all that powerful against such a powerful illness. Take a deep breath, and try to go easy on yourself.

 

Erin

[WifeLess]

keeptrying,

 

Welcome to Young Widow Forum.

 

It is certainly understandable that you are feeling the incredible pain you describe in your post. The psychological trauma of the SOS (survivor of suicide) of a loved one is classified among the most extreme that a person may ever experience. And this is made even worse when that suicide is of one's spouse, whose death is ranked as the single most emotionally stressful event in an adult's life.

 

With regard to the guilt, stigma, shame and endless self questioning associated with being an SOS, as I say in my introductory post in this section:

 

" ... if I learned anything during the past several decades with my wife, it is that clinical depression is a serious illness just as real as any other life-threatening illness, like heart disease or cancer. Unfortunately, it happens to be classified as mental illness, which makes it appear different. My wife died of a disease of the brain that impaired her thinking and her judgement. I take some comfort in accepting that she died, not by choice, but of natural causes."

 

Sorry for the tragic loss that brought you here.

 

--- WifeLess

[gracelet]

It's an emotional minefield.  The guilt, the blame, the what ifs - you're absolutely right.

 

The only way I've been able to get my head round this is to have a narrative in my head that makes sense to me - she was mentally ill, took a turn for the worse that she couldn't pull out of, and it was mental illness that killed her.  When I feel all the horrible complicated emotions, I remind myself of that truth, and mentally sidestep the other emotions.

 

Re other people, well I can't do a jot about that and I'm angry about it. I understand why you are too.  Many think I didn't do enough, that I drove my wife to it.  Again, I cling to the truth. But I still feel judged and I HATE that no matter how amazing I look, or perform, or what I achieve, I just can't change how they choose to judge me.

 

I do sometimes feel ashamed telling people how she died... I'm getting better at it, but it's still tough.

 

I forgive Elle for what she did, but not for the surrounding messy circumstances because of my hateful in laws.  I'll get there some day.

 

 

 

 

[CBB]

The why's and the what if's will eat you alive. I feel that way on a daily basis. My mind cannot wrap around the fact he did this to my family. The anger, the guilt , all of it kills me on a daily basis. I will carry this to my grave..

 

Cyndi