Apparently I like to torture myself

[Carey]

Our main system is down at work today and I don't have much to do. I was cleaning out my inbox and stumbled across emails Chad had sent me from Saudi. This one in particular has made me so sad

 

he said "

I love you too.  you just need to keep looking at the positive things that are going to come out of all of this.  I am getting airframe experience,  we are realizing how important we are to each other,  I am realizing there is more to life than alcohol, you are connecting to god like never before, we are finally learning to plan together for the future.  We just have to commit to keeping after it.  I would like to be there loving you too but think how much sweeter it will be when we are finally in each others arms again.

 

 

I love you very much,

 

 

Yours always,

 

 

Me"

 

 

I never got that "so much sweeter".  I never touched him alive again. The job in Saudi was supposed to do so much FOR us and our family, not destroy us.  I'm never going to heal from this I don't think.  November 23 will be 2 years and that just seems unfathomable, my brain cannot comprehend.  It was 9 months before THAT that I last was I his physical presence.  I hate him. SOOO much for what he did, what he couldn't do and that was save himself so our whole family wouldn't be lost. I'm mad as f*ck.  I miss him so damn much. I was so robbed. Why could I not have at least had that moment at the airport , him coming home and wrapping his arms around me. I'm just pissed today .....don't mind me

[SoVerySad]

Sending you tight, tight hugs, honey! It must be so hard to read those words knowing it can never be now. I understand your anger at him that coexists with your love. I hope in some small way it helps to know where his head and heart were when he wasn't impaired - as bittersweet as it is. I'm so sorry he wasn't able to overcome his addiction and given you the chance at that future you were planning. The "only-ifs" can be torture, so please try not to spend too much time there.

 

Sending you love and more hugs...

[Jen]

So many hugs... I sometimes torture myself by going back and reading old emails. It burns like fire, but it's... cathartic, somehow. Jim loved me so very much, and we should've had so much longer together. I worry that I didn't love him as well as he deserved, but I think I loved him the best I could, and I still do. I always will.

 

(((((AMY))))))