just stuff.

[markb74]

I don't know why I am posting this, maybe just to stay active here and stay grounded, or maybe out of guilt, or just to put my mixed up random thoughts into text and not have to deal with it if someone was next to me asking me question after question in my face while taking my insurance card# or a check from me. no one has to reply to this. I am just needing to exercise my fingers. its been a year and 3 months for me in just a few days. I've changed a lot. I've done a lot. I moved furniture around and re-arranged the bedroom how I wanted. I got rid of clothes and personal items. I've kept up pictures and knickknacks that have always annoyed me. this past weekend I finally installed a new tub/shower to replace the one I promised her I'd do 2 years ago. I put on a new roof that I also promised over 3 years ago. I am midway getting the driveway repaved that I promised myself eons ago. I removed the flowerbed I always scolded at her because she didn't take care of it. I took care of the tree stumps because I got tired of mowing around them. I am considering cutting down 3 pine trees next to my driveway so the pine needles don't sit on the cars and damage the paint. I'm so sick of pine cones....

 

I just feel numb. like I've been living without her for years... and its been just over 1. I go shopping... "manly shopping" soups, steaks, hot pockets, hot dogs, burgers and microwaveable vegetables. the arguments with my son grow more fierce every round. he's only 5 but you know what I mean. today I rushed him to get dressed and he made this angry snarly face at me and growled... I wanted to call animal control. that's me.. as a kid too mom said. I have been reminding myself... if you don't do it, no ones gonna do it... paper plates are a life saver. sometimes I like to splurge and go on a mini shopping spree on my lunch break and go to target and get something random... a few weeks ago it was some soft tip darts for my dartboard. yes, I have a full size dartboard in my garage only because it wont fit in my basement and I don't know how good it will look in the living room... but then again, who can complain right?

 

I got the garage cleaned out, I built shelves. I can easily fit my car, and my truck in the garage for the winter. I drive her suv now in the snow, that's the plan. but I'll still put the snow tires on my truck since it does better in very bad snow just in case we get a bad storm, its heavier and full time awd but id like to keep it out of the salt this winter. but my driving is limited. sometimes I feel selfish for having 3 cars. two we have had for a while and the 3rd was one I bought as a 4 wheel anti depressant... it works. a warehouse worker who for some reason likes to track what car I drive on what day says to me today: you have 3 cars, I say yeah I do. then he says one your wife's? I paused for a second then said no, they are all mine. no reason to drop the W card on him in front of the other coworkers that obviously knew my situation.

 

I dated someone for about 3 months. it started off as just something that happened... then I had a reality check and not in a place I wanted to be in. having someone who has had one too many drinks tell me that for my sons sake I become a better dad, then get all upset with me because I said they were mom of the year cause her son was in jail did not fare well... I still get some random texts from her and we have some common friends but I side step the what are you up to, we can hangout some time cliff note sentences.

 

met someone right now. she is special. she has a daughter that's 10, and my son is 5. they get along so well. she has been separated for a while and about to finalize a divorce that was abusive, but not in the physical terms. she runs her own business and does well. has her own house, likes dogs. we are both sarcastic and joke a lot. we click. she accepts me, and all my strengths and weaknesses. the other day I told her about this site and she asked why cant I talk to her about it. I kind of side stepped the question and she was a little aggravated. then the next day she apologized and we did talk a little about it. she said its one of the things she wants to help me with if I need someone. I need to let her in and not hold stuff in till I explode.

 

work... fucking shit work. I let the stress get to me sometimes. sometimes it rolls off my back. getting calls at midnight and up till 2 am, and a few Saturday morning, and Saturday afternoons to fix what broke Saturday morning is taking its toll on me. work HAS been generous to me, and I sometimes put work before family, I always have. I like to work, to make $ to do the things I want. I had lunch with an old employer a few weeks ago, he wants me back even though I haven't worked for him in almost 10 years. it makes me feel good that I have a backup plan. in my youth I've just flat out quit jobs when I got irritated, or left a job with no backup plan...

 

I've been sick this weekend, annual seasonal change head cold stuff. Saturday night I am laying in bed and it felt like a fly or a bee was flying near my ear, bzzzzzz. I turn the light on and see nothing. 3 minutes later bzzzz.... nothing... the first thing that came to my head was a talk with a coworker about how he met with a median to make sure his uncle was not mad at him for not going to his funeral due to family differences. a median? me? I don't know if I believe in that stuff. I've wondered but afraid to know... Is she mad at me? and that's all I can think of the past few days.

 

 

[Guest TooSoon]

Hi there.  I just wanted to say I read your post and I empathize.  It is nearly three years for me - gosh, it is hard to believe.  Keep thinking things through; for me, this has been an evolving process emotionally but also logistically as I figure out who I am going to be after the years of caregiving/parenting/working when I was on such auto-pilot I lost full sight of who I was and had no idea who I might become once it was all over.  You will find your way.  I still freak out occasionally.  It seems to be part of the deal.  Fortunately, those who have stuck with me can laugh with me about it now.  My partner, who is widowed but who is aeons ahead of me on that scale, understands so long as I am honest and do my best to explain (and truth be told, I'd rather walk through a ring of fire than talk about my feelings so "try" is about as much as he can hope for), we not only manage but we grow ever closer.  Keep at it but if you can, give yourself some room to breathe or time to do whatever it is that gives you respite; we all need that time just to sort it all out. 

[twistedmensa]

Vent away, Mark! Sometimes just getting it out is helpful enough.

 

You are my hero as far as getting things on your "to do" list done. I can't seem to get anything done. I have a full size dart board cabinet just sitting in my garage waiting to be loved again. I can't seem to find my soft tip darts, just DH's steel tip darts. Instead of just buying new darts and setting my board up, it just sits along with all the other crap on my ample "to do" list.

 

Time for me to take control of my life. My husband fell in love with a strong, independent woman. I think he would be very disappointed with the helpless creature I have turned into.

 

While you may wonder why you posted this, I am glad that you did. You've given me hope that I can overcome my grief and start living again.

[Mizpah]

Love your update/stream of consciousness.  I hope it felt as good to get it out as I imagine it did while reading it.  Life is strange.  I'm glad you're seeing someone accepting and truly interested in you - I mean interested as in who you are, your thoughts and feelings, not (just) interested in dating you.  (My widower boyfriend/babydaddy sometimes says that he feels many women want a partner just "as a handbag" - someone to drag along to social functions - sounds like she's not like that.)  Kids are animals.  Sounds like you're doing awesome, paper plates and all, hahaha.  Cheers!