markb74

The holidays are here and I am not sure what my next step is. Ive been moving slowly on DW's side of the family. Ive been avoiding holidays with them. I have a son, and its not fair to them to not see him since they ARE blood related, and not fair to keep him from seeing them. he will be turning 8 soon. My side of my family has met my girlfriend and her daughter and they are always welcome and included. but I am honestly scared to goto a holiday dinner at any of DW family's house with all 4 of us. and if just me and son go, that's not fair to GF/GFD to spend a holiday without me (no family in the area), and I don't want them to feel left out, but I also don't want to cause people to be uncomfortable. I know I am not the first person to have to go through with this. I need advise.

... little irked about this... and facebook is the devil... My father has 2 sisters, lets call them s1 and s2. When my dads mother was sick and living with s1 many years ago s1 put me through a guilt trip on why I never came to see my dads mom. So my grandmothers next birthday I said happy birthday, but s1 said this, and I'm pissed. years pass, both my grandparents pass and I haven't had any contact with that side of the family, my cousins or anything. the last 4 years my dad has been "re-kindling" with his estranged s1 and s2 with his health issues and stuff... s2 stayed out of the issue with s1 and me/sister but she of course sided with s1 and only knew s1's side of the story... over a year ago I got a FB request from s1 and s2, probably due to my dad telling s1/2 about my son, and this pic or that and they wanted to see the pics. All this time not a peep from them, so I don't peep them... today I check and I see s1 and s2 posted about how they had a lovely family picture day... my dad, his wife, my half brother (who is 25 and lives at home still, fucking loser, probably plays that fucking finding pokemon game I bet versus finding a fucking apartment to live in), and s1 and s2 their husbands, and their kids, and their grand children... I was so furious... this was a "family picture day" I did not get an invite, my sister did not get an invite, and my full brother did not get an invite. so, I went on a Fuck-it spree. I'm not part of your family, fuck you then. unfriended s1, s2, half-brother, and dads wife and blocked them as well. fuck them. fuck them in their smelly asses. I did a few family things (brunch or some shit) and they didn't say a fucking word even before the facebook "want to be your facebook friend just to see pics and spy, not cause we give a fuck" request. and my dad wants to have his cake and eat it too by having a second family picture day with me/sis/full-bro and him his wife and half-bro and all our kids and shit... I am probably being selfish over this, but he could have said, can I have MY kids here so we all have pics with all the cousins and their family together... fuck family. my trust circle is turning into a wet shirt that went into a drier.... its gonna come out much smaller than it went in... I didn't make a big stink about it on fuckbook, but if his wife asks me why she cant look up my pics or my profile, i'll call them out on it. does it bother me? yes and no. I'm not in any of their lives, and they aren't really in mine. nothing lost really. my DW's family shows more interest in how I've been than my dads side of the family... MY own aunts. fuck them.

today is my 2 year sadiversary, and this week has been busy for me enough to have forgotten about it except for... Seeing a text from my sister with the hug and kisses emoji... I didn't even think about it, I responded with thanks!... then my dads wife calls me, I start to freak out, why is she calling me, is my dad ok, is my half brother ok? then I hear her voice in a happy tone, wishing me a good day, and sending me good thoughts on the anniversary of my wifes death, blah blah, I am showing pity to you, blah blah im trying to be a good person and think of you, blah blah, but I want to remind you about today, blah blah.......... I get three words in "OK", "OK", "BYE". then hang up.... up until that call I was oblivious to what today was, I was fine... perfectly fine! and that one call ruined the day... That's when the light bulb went on regarding my sisters text and it made me appreciate how simple it was to reach out to me, no words, no reminders... then the fucking facebook memories started to pop in... for fuck sake facebook is great for keeping in touch with people, but I don't want bad memories to jump back to the forefront. my mother even was over today to pick up my son to take him to the museum today and she didn't say a word about it. its been a busy as fuck week just by chance and ive been mentally occupied. Tuesday had a contractor come move the a/c unit outside, Tuesday night picked up a new to me fridge and oven (brother moving, appliances were like 5 years old, my fridge and oven have to be 19+. wow) Wednesday had dinner out at red robin with GF and we each had our kids, Thursday I had golf and went out after and had some good food and saw live music with the golf buddies... oh Monday I started a blog too. a little late to the game but its a way to vent. I haven't told any friends or family because sometimes I just like to vent and not get feedback, or when I tinker with my car, after work is a golf lesson then tonight is dinner out with GF, and tomorrow is a small trip with my friend to pickup a car and a bunch of parts, sunday is a golf tournament that im looking forward to. so, the universe (or subconsciously myself) had setup a nice busy week for my body and mind to forget today, but one person just had to make sure they made themselves feel better by wishing me good thoughts on in their words "the anniversary of your wifes death" I want to throat punch her and run her over with a bulldozer, then back up and hear the BEEP-BEEP-BEEP-BEEP then run her over again...

I don't know why I am posting this, maybe just to stay active here and stay grounded, or maybe out of guilt, or just to put my mixed up random thoughts into text and not have to deal with it if someone was next to me asking me question after question in my face while taking my insurance card# or a check from me. no one has to reply to this. I am just needing to exercise my fingers. its been a year and 3 months for me in just a few days. I've changed a lot. I've done a lot. I moved furniture around and re-arranged the bedroom how I wanted. I got rid of clothes and personal items. I've kept up pictures and knickknacks that have always annoyed me. this past weekend I finally installed a new tub/shower to replace the one I promised her I'd do 2 years ago. I put on a new roof that I also promised over 3 years ago. I am midway getting the driveway repaved that I promised myself eons ago. I removed the flowerbed I always scolded at her because she didn't take care of it. I took care of the tree stumps because I got tired of mowing around them. I am considering cutting down 3 pine trees next to my driveway so the pine needles don't sit on the cars and damage the paint. I'm so sick of pine cones.... I just feel numb. like I've been living without her for years... and its been just over 1. I go shopping... "manly shopping" soups, steaks, hot pockets, hot dogs, burgers and microwaveable vegetables. the arguments with my son grow more fierce every round. he's only 5 but you know what I mean. today I rushed him to get dressed and he made this angry snarly face at me and growled... I wanted to call animal control. that's me.. as a kid too mom said. I have been reminding myself... if you don't do it, no ones gonna do it... paper plates are a life saver. sometimes I like to splurge and go on a mini shopping spree on my lunch break and go to target and get something random... a few weeks ago it was some soft tip darts for my dartboard. yes, I have a full size dartboard in my garage only because it wont fit in my basement and I don't know how good it will look in the living room... but then again, who can complain right? I got the garage cleaned out, I built shelves. I can easily fit my car, and my truck in the garage for the winter. I drive her suv now in the snow, that's the plan. but I'll still put the snow tires on my truck since it does better in very bad snow just in case we get a bad storm, its heavier and full time awd but id like to keep it out of the salt this winter. but my driving is limited. sometimes I feel selfish for having 3 cars. two we have had for a while and the 3rd was one I bought as a 4 wheel anti depressant... it works. a warehouse worker who for some reason likes to track what car I drive on what day says to me today: you have 3 cars, I say yeah I do. then he says one your wife's? I paused for a second then said no, they are all mine. no reason to drop the W card on him in front of the other coworkers that obviously knew my situation. I dated someone for about 3 months. it started off as just something that happened... then I had a reality check and not in a place I wanted to be in. having someone who has had one too many drinks tell me that for my sons sake I become a better dad, then get all upset with me because I said they were mom of the year cause her son was in jail did not fare well... I still get some random texts from her and we have some common friends but I side step the what are you up to, we can hangout some time cliff note sentences. met someone right now. she is special. she has a daughter that's 10, and my son is 5. they get along so well. she has been separated for a while and about to finalize a divorce that was abusive, but not in the physical terms. she runs her own business and does well. has her own house, likes dogs. we are both sarcastic and joke a lot. we click. she accepts me, and all my strengths and weaknesses. the other day I told her about this site and she asked why cant I talk to her about it. I kind of side stepped the question and she was a little aggravated. then the next day she apologized and we did talk a little about it. she said its one of the things she wants to help me with if I need someone. I need to let her in and not hold stuff in till I explode. work... fucking shit work. I let the stress get to me sometimes. sometimes it rolls off my back. getting calls at midnight and up till 2 am, and a few Saturday morning, and Saturday afternoons to fix what broke Saturday morning is taking its toll on me. work HAS been generous to me, and I sometimes put work before family, I always have. I like to work, to make $ to do the things I want. I had lunch with an old employer a few weeks ago, he wants me back even though I haven't worked for him in almost 10 years. it makes me feel good that I have a backup plan. in my youth I've just flat out quit jobs when I got irritated, or left a job with no backup plan... I've been sick this weekend, annual seasonal change head cold stuff. Saturday night I am laying in bed and it felt like a fly or a bee was flying near my ear, bzzzzzz. I turn the light on and see nothing. 3 minutes later bzzzz.... nothing... the first thing that came to my head was a talk with a coworker about how he met with a median to make sure his uncle was not mad at him for not going to his funeral due to family differences. a median? me? I don't know if I believe in that stuff. I've wondered but afraid to know... Is she mad at me? and that's all I can think of the past few days.

weather is huge. the memories of the temps dropping outside and having the windows open on a sunday afternoon cuddling under a blanket on the couch watching a movie that turns into a sunday afternoon nap cause we both fell asleep...

thanks I just need to stay focused on the positives, keep myself happy and just take my own advice that I give to people... take everything with a grain of salt... something ive been forgetting to do lately.

yeah, I am slowly learning to just keep my mouth shut.

Does everyone enjoy getting advice like I do? I have people with no money telling me what I should and should not be doing... I have people telling me how to be a solo parent when their kid has "parentS"... I really like how family thinks they get the right to tell me what I can do, and what I can't do and what I should not do. I wanted to buy myself a used truck... because well I don't have a truck and sometimes need one to transport stuff. my sister flips out and says why do you need 3 cars and a truck. I tell her because I can... then she tells me how tight she is for $ and I need to be carefull.. but yet im expected to buy a used cheap car for my niece for college (or give her one of my 3 (one was the wife's) because they have no money... 2 months later her husband gets a brand new 2015 truck... I said why on earth did you buy a 35k truck if you have no money, buy a used 5k truck? roll eyes... then last weekend she joking said I should buy her boob implants for her 40th birthday next year. I said how about I buy you a dick implant and you go fuck yourself. I just don't fucking get it. I have a good job, and I have a p/t time job too where I work from home at night. I bust my ass to get what I want. and today the vice principal of the school called me, my son was in line on the way to the library and hit another kid in the head with a book. unacceptable. had a quick talk with him, got some talking to happen at home tonight. I texted my sister what he did, and she responded: its none of my business but you need to get firm and stay consistent on punishments... so I responded back, youre right, its none of your business... two cents from people who can't relate to being a single parent working 1.5 jobs. ive just reached my limit of being nice , socially/family and at work. everyone that's said call us if you need help I don't hear from, then when I do ask for people to help go through the toy room, or help me go through clothes to donate, my mother is the only person who has busted her ass to help me. my sister did at first but her husband was all pissy because she wasn't there to tend to his wishes.... so fucking pissed right now. -end rant.

that is such a brave thing to do. I have two messages. one is about the cat going to the vet. the cat has also passed since then. the other one was telling me shes coming home from work and if I needed anything... I didn't answer many calls from her when at work, I let them goto voicemail. I find myself answering every call I get now just to hear a persons voice. I also got a little weird and the calls I don't answer if its a voicemail from family I feel obligated to save it forever...

thanks, I just don't want it to dampen my weekend plans. I have a great weekend planned and don't want to be burdened with stuff in the back of my head. just another lap on the roller coaster of life I guess...

no not dreams of fucking I don't get weird dreams often but last night I cant get it out of my head. I was at my dads old house I used to rent, he gutted and remodeled the basement. my old room was gone. my mom (parents are separated) was there and said she was not moving in to help me and she was thinking I could not afford it alone, I said i'd be fine when Jessica got better and came home from the hospital... then my mom said... Mark... She is not coming home... then I woke up... fuck.

I avoided couple-friends. hearing about how they had a fight or something, or the story how one made the other sleep on the couch from a petty argument. finally last week I said to someone: quit bitching about the argument. at least you have a wife. probably was not the right thing to do, but I really don't have a filter on my mouth any more sometimes.

The dating stuff sucks, especially with kids. I will agree with the block the number. You forget about the evil after a while... "see no evil, hear no evil, speak no evil."

first, I have no intention of judging people who do still believe... Different strokes for different folks... I believe in time machines more than a god... I don't need him to save my soul I was raised Roman Catholic, baptized, confirmed, an Altar boy... this ideal young roman catholic... then my grand father died... and I asked questions... and the answers I got "That's just how "he" works" was not cutting the mustard as a valid answer. then when I lost my wife I had people come in, and pray, and ask me to pray with them, I said no almost rudely I think... and i'd always hear... "god has a plan..." oh really, do tell what this plan is... or is it more of a dastardly scheme... so yeah, I don't really buy into the religion hype. churches are just big money grabs and tax-free zones.... in college I found a song, I for some reason liked this song by a group called XTC. and I heard it a few weeks ago after many years of not hearing it... and it clicked. it all made sense...

On July 15th, a gentleman I work with lost his daughter. she was 35. left behind 2 children and a husband. I find a few unfortunate similarities so this hits home to me very hard. -Widowed young -widowed with kids -widowed on my 1 year sadiversary to the day -same funeral home I reached out to the husband and kept it short and sweet that I have been there, I have a son, here is my number call/test/ask for anything you need and I will do whatever I can... today I found a news article about the Mass for her and I am fuming! http://www.whec.com/news/stories/S3857778.shtml?cat=565

its getting there... got the dryer apart (its a gas LG new in 2009) and tested the sensors. looks like its the ignitor... ordered a new one, should be here Monday... I guess I can hang clothes up and try that All is not lost! It's just been misplaced...

Don't feel stupid. Feel smarter... because you learned something. It's kind of like re-learning everything you knew when you were younger aka the ups and downs and trusting and losing that trust of seeing/meeting/courting someone... I have been on a few roller coasters I didn't want to be on either...

..and today the drier stopped making heat so my clothes were all damp this morning... I just gotta laugh... that's all I can do...

July 15th was my one year sadiversary... Cliff notes of week. FIL takes son for vacation for the week, Dog has been very ill (cushings disease, hip dysplasia, thyroid issues, and finally tumors on base of skull, could not walk outside for the last few days. only 8.5 years old ) put dog down. spent week solo with the one other dog and no kid to talk to, worried all week how im gonna drop this bomb on him. had sadiversary gathering of all the families and friends, stayed overnight in a cabin with no air cond, and it was super hot/humid got son home, he noticed no dogs home. I told him one dog stayed overnight at grandma's and the other one was very sick and is now with mommy. was a wonderful fucking week.... in the last year I lost a wife, a cat, and one dog... what's next?

I thought I was ready for a relationship with one person, they were good to me, good to my son, there when I needed them... But they did a few things that made me realize that if I was ready for a relationship it was not with them. she was house sitting for my dogs, and one day while doing so she decided to start putting my son's mother's/grandmothers stuffed animals in bags, and left them in the garage. Then I realized she put my bear in there. now I am 40, but my bear was the first gift that a girl ever gave me in school for the LARGE present at the end of the Kris Kringle week. it was one of her own personal stuffed animals and I promised to always take care of it... at first I accepted it but a week later it bothered me so much I could not deal with it. I was so annoyed that this person just expected me to change my house around to suit themselves... It made me second guess everything. I did not meet this person online, I still see them weekly and I call her a friend, but she has some remorse against me, and while things are good with laughter and smiles she will always get in that one snide sarcastic remark.... I had a match.com account that I was not really active on, I do have one good friend i met on it, me and her talk a lot. she was very attractive and we had some spark, she was just at the end of a divorce, it was just bad timing, but we keep in touch since we have kids the same age. my coworker said i should get back on match and just see who is out there, it never hurts to meet someone for coffee and conversation... 3 weeks ago i had someone shoot me a message and we chatted. my plans fell through on a Saturday night and she was on her way out with the girls and said lets meet up over a single beer to see if there is a spark. I figured my son was at grandma's for the night so I had nothing to loose. well we had 2 beers that night and went our separate ways that night... but we continued to chat, and talk, and meet for lunch, and dinners... she has a son who is close to my sons age. she is on match the same reason as me... no time for the bar scene to meet people and did not like being alone.... and we joke around a lot, we get each other... we have lots of common friends its kinda scary.... her parents are within walking distance of my house. i drive past her house to get to my brothers, our birthday is 2 days apart, she is bubbly, a teacher for almost 19 years. she is wanting to take it slow because of both my past, and her last relationship. keeping the boys in the background and see how we pan out. we both have the same feelings about match.com... its BS... people using old pics and lying about bad habits... etc... but even as close as we live, and probably passed each other on the road, or saw each other at the store we never would have met if it wasn't for that damn website. in fact, even if things don't turn out as expected I know she will still end up being a close friend I can depend on.

tonight I decided I have to get back into a cleaning routine... it was a hint with the nice weather got today that I told myself when spring comes I am going to get rid of stuff ive been holding onto for years, as well as organize what I am left with my deceased MIL's house stuff and my house stuff now... very overwhelmed... so anyways, I decided to pack up stuff in a box, and I came across a book my mother setup at the funeral home for people to sign, it was called the invisible string, and I didn't actually read it, but I read what people wrote. friends I don't remember being there, coworkers I don't remember being there. peoples name who I knew but could not put a face to... people told me that day would be a blur... How could it I thought? How could I not remember my wife and my son's mother's last day we got to see her... HOW COULD I NOT REMEMBER THIS TONIGHT going through that book. reading the messages from people. people showed up from my work that I don't even talk to ever. now I feel like an asshole because I still don't talk to them and they made time in their life to mourn for me. I thought I was done with nights like this, I swayed myself from the ywbb, I thought I don't need a crutch. then a friend on facebook said it closed and I feel like I was on a tight rope and looked down and saw the net getting pulled away. then I saw about here, and I feel like I am back to square one month one. but I need it. thank you. -Mark

since that day I don't really like family functions... in fact, I fucking HATE them. all I can think of at them is just yelling at people. I have a step brother who I do care for, but he is the laziest piece of shit. he is 23 years old... still lives with my dad... just graduated college with some degree that I interpret as worthless for finding a job that will pay back 5 years of college anytime this millennium, I told my dad and step mom, when he turned 16, MAKE HIM GO GET A JOB... washing dishes, bagging groceries... SOMETHING to learn how to burn values into his daily life... but no, he was a helicopter kid and my advice was overlooked.... so, all thru highschool, no job, all thru college only job was working in the deans office filing papers (not a real job), graduated college, got a job in a call center making ten dollars an hour and bragged about it.. I told him I knew tons of people that worked there in college and quit when they graduated and found better jobs... well 4 months later and after of oh, "I'm so successful and they are promoting me at the call center" he no longer works there... and he sits at home during the day and sleeps, and plays video games all night long claiming he has narcolepsy and can't stay awake during the day... this one I feel bad about... my sister. love her to death, she has done so much to help... she asked to borrow DW car since I really was not driving it. after 3 months of this she offers to buy it, I show her whats its worth, and what the sites say its worth, and I tell her id sell it for just about half of its worth, she can goto the bank, take out a personal or an auto loan easily because the car is worth more than she needs to borrow I would guess. she says she can't do that she has exhausted her credit... meanwhile her husband is all talking about going to get a new Toyota tundra, then a new chevy Colorado... she came up with a plan to pay me like 50 dollars a week, and have it direct deposited into my acct. I declined and said I can't do that, what if you get into an accident then I'm stuck with a paperweight because you aren't gonna pay full agreed price for a car you can't drive. so I said one lump payment is the only way I can go. I don't want people oweing me things... she called me over the weekend and said she will be returning the suv because her husband bought a new chevy Colorado over the weekend... which is a win-win for everyone. but my question is, if people are struggling financially, why go out and buy a brand new truck... why not a truck that was 3-4 years with an extended warranty... I just don't get it... but my point is I joked to my sister last month that I wanted to buy a hot tub which I can afford, and she got all pissed about how I should not buy things like that, but they go buy a brand new truck...

me and a 5 year old son... when he cries he always throws in a "mommyyyyyy" here and there. for a while I fell for it, but I think now I am getting taken advantage of does anyone else have this happen to them, How long did this phase last? while this bothers me and hurts when he cries out for her, what hurts more is when im cuddling him in my recliner, he makes some random whiney sounds and puts his hand up and starts grabbing for the air. I ask him whats up buddy and he says he reaching up for mommy... its so fucking hard to do this single parent shit. then people say they are there to help you, but after a few times helping they feel they filled their obligation and move on...

Fuck those who say they will be there for you, and to ask them for anything... then you never hear from then again. Fuck social situations when someone says something dumb then they realize what they said was not appropriate. Fuck people who think you can flip a switch and go back to being normal. Fuck people who think they can help you by making you rush and get rid of stuff you have a reason to hold onto and they dont get it.