40th bday, 1 monthtoday jo left me

[phil]

i dnt know i would be typing today as i was going, just looked at what i typed so messed up sorry,,just got back from my 40th weekend break in a caravan that mother in law booked  with joannes sister and family , 2 months ago for my bday and our 1st  weding annerversary, well it was hectic and busy  i cried lots , i said i was going to scater the ashes but i coulnt do it as my heads not althere , i coulnt do it as i need her by me , when i got in i rang every one txd as i needed to hear of peaple massive pannic attack,impeding doom future, its getting harder but wil read til im droping again on this forum ,masive help sory

[sojourner]

Phil, your loss is so very fresh- try not to feel pressured to do anything you're just not ready to do that isn't an absolute necessity.  This is basic survival time- drink water, try to eat and try to sleep, or at least rest. Take cues from your body- if something's making you feel panicky, delay for a later time if at all possible. Having your birthday & anniversary so close to losing her is huge. Try to go easy on yourself, especially in these early days. Losing one's spouse is one of the (and quite possibly THE topmost) most traumatic events that anyone will ever experience.

[phil]

thanks, for the reply,sojouner  im not going to make any more plans now  regarding jos belongings etc, till i feel much better,, i was having a ok sort of day being around joannes sister i even had a laugh, but when i got back home my new phone had arrived, contract ran out so got a cheaper tarrif, so i was putting contacts in ,,then bang i came to jo,s number, iv only just stopped crying and calmed my self down,all i see is reminders  this is so hard, but others ,yourself have come through this shit n pain i have got to aswell,, thanks for licening

[donswife]

I'm glad you didn't scatter the ashes yet

You will do it when you are ready.  This is all fresh and scary

so just keep trying to get through the day

Take care

[SoVerySad]

Phil, you are so correct that the endless reminders are so painful. Very small things can hit as sharply as a dagger. I remember that I had to change our bank account password after my husband died. For a while, every time I typed in that new password, it brought me to tears. It was another reminder of how my life had been changed.

 

Please try not to feel badly about not being ready to spread your wife's ashes. I am 2.5 years out and still have my husband's ashes with me. I feel they are the only essence of physical presence I have left and for now it comforts me to have at least that much. Each of us needs to be able to handle these painful issues in what feels right to us on our own timelines.

 

I'm so sorry you have to endure all this pain. Please know we understand how hard it is. We're here to support you.

 

Sending you tight hugs...

[phil]

thank you al soo much , its crazy how i relate to others pain , its how im feeling , ,my tears come in bursts havnt long had one then its like f...k, i need to potter,,  earlyer i had to go to town and bloody hell couples doing xmass shoping i hated just walking past em,,,, just wanted to get out of town, its horrible  with out jo and  the future scares the hell out of me,, sorry for the rant, thanks again

[Guaruj]

earlyer i had to go to town and bloody hell couples doing xmass shoping i hated just walking past em,,,, just wanted to get out of town, its horrible  with out jo and  the future scares the hell out of me,, sorry for the rant, thanks again

 

Phil, I hated going out in public for several months after Catherine died. Do you have family members or trusted friends you can visit or invite to your home? That's the only kind of socializing I was able to tolerate during that time.

 

Of course, I did have to go out in public for regular errands. I tried to keep those outings brief. I also found that if I dressed well, people would treat me better. I could also keep my personal business as brief as possible.

 

I hope you'll stay with us. I'm sure you've figured out that Thanksgiving, Christmas and New Year's Eve aren't the happiest times for the widowed, especially during that first year.

 

Hang in there -

 

|+|  M a r k  |+|

[phil]

i can really relate to peaple on hear,, your all new friends, ill be staying hear for ever ,, thanks every one

[Jess]

Phil, I am glad we are helping in at least a small way. Keep posting. We are all a testament that surviving this is possible. You can do this even though it may be the hardest thing you have ever had to do, but I so wish you didn't have to. Just know that how you feel is normal for completely abnormal circumstances.

[phil]

thanks jess and every one,  reading what you say from your personal experiance, helps , im just wishing the day away ,weeks, in the hope  this crushing feeling gives up a bit,,,,,,,,

[Jen]

((((Phil))))

 

I am so, so sorry for your loss... I wish I had magic words to make it better, but there simply are none. Keep talking, keep posting. We're here, we're listening, and even though we hate it, we get it.

 

One thing that made me incoherently angry in those early days was all the well-meaning people telling me, "He's gone, you'll have to accept it." Some things are simply unacceptable. I'm three days shy of 19 months into this trip through hell, and I'm still wishing my life away. The crushing agony has lessened, but the reality hasn't changed. I so wish I could say differently.

 

Just hold on. One day at a time. One hour, one breath. We survive the un-survivable. We're still here.

[phil]

hi jen thanks for the reply, hope you ok,,  some friends came round earlyer and ,i coulnt wait for them to go, said some insenitive words, well i took them as that ,, you sumbed the word  up ,crushing agony,, , this truly is a long painfull journey, but thank you all for sharing your kind thoughtfull words,,phil