Whoa.

[Guest TooSoon]

Admittedly Ive taken on a lot more work than I was sure I could handle.  The self-imposed extra work is almost done now (one more deadline after tomorrow's promotion application deadline) but it has been a roller coaster ride.  I felt really unhinged today; I cried a lot for the first time in a long time.  The project of trying to justify why my University should promote me required going back through events of the last 6 years with a level of scrutiny I wasn't anticipating and also dredged up a whole lot of stuff from even before I married Scott.  Just completely flattened.  I had grown accustomed to not getting upset much anymore but whoa, this has been a wild ride.  I didn't expect a reckoning; I just wanted to meet these deadlines, damn it. 

[Wheelerswife]

You have taken on a monumental task.  The promotion process is challenging without the terminal illness and subsequent death of a spouse.  I'm proud of your persistence, though, because you could have chosen an easier way, but you didn't.  I'm sorry this has been so emotionally taxing for you, my friend.

 

Hugs,

 

Maureen

[Guest TooSoon]

Thank you, friend.  I warned adp this was going to be a crazy week and boy, did I make good on that promise.  So. Much. Stuff. this has brought out.  I'm feeling pretty humbled, actually, about how not ok I've been throughout this promotion application process.  When is it our turn not to have to be stressed and pressed to the max and over analytical and uncertain?  And I fucking have to teach a class on Arabic calligraphy for 90 minutes tomorrow............whaaaaaa?  I cry "uncle!" 

[momtokam]

TooSoon, I think now that you can see a little light at the end of the tunnel, all the emotions are being released. You have held on, and held on, to complete these tasks and now you are almost there, and a release had to happen. It can't all be held inside. These cries are good, let them out, the release will feel good, like another step forward.

 

Hang in there my friend, you are doing amazing!

[Wheelerswife]

And I fucking have to teach a class on Arabic calligraphy for 90 minutes tomorrow............whaaaaaa?  I cry "uncle!" 

 

It would be fascinating to sit in on your class tomorrow!

 

Maureen

[Guest TooSoon]

Yes, my class tomorrow is going to be fascinating.  It might also  brief.....

[Trying]

Sending you virtual support TooSoon, it sounds like an extremely emotional experience to have to look at yourself with such a detailed and critical eye.  Hope you get a chance to breath and celebrate meeting your deadline!

 

Arabic calligraphy, hmmm, no advice on getting through 90 minutes of that! Lol

[Guest TooSoon]

Thank you so much, you guys.  Yesterday was not pretty; neither was today.  When I went in to drop off my dossier, I just completely fell apart.  Our wonderful admin assistant and two of my female colleagues kindly insisted that I go straight home.  I drove out into the country and called adp, who has taken the brunt of my mania lately and propped me up every time I faltered, and hearing his voiced helped; I'm feeling a little less shaky. 

 

This may sound very strange and there was a lot of build up to this day - years on the one hand but certainly all of my focus these past 2 months - and I think when I submitted it, it felt like another loss.  Another ending.  I felt the same kind of fear and blackness that I felt after Scott died; since his cancer was terminal, it also had a deadline, as it were.  It also required a level of focus and devotion that is, in an odd way, not unlike what Scott's care required especially when I knew the race was pretty much run, if that makes sense.  this whole thing felt like a simulation of Scott's death.  The focus, the devotion, the fear that I wasn't doing it right, the knowing time was running out, the not feeling in control, the uncertainty of "what next?" once it was done.  It isn't rational and it wasn't conscious - I didn't see it coming until it was like a tsunami.  I will admit, I made this application for Scott, at least in large part.  It is so silly because he is dead and gone and will never know but he felt so much guilt that I had to delay a career that was on a trajectory that would have had me promoted by 40.  That had always been my goal and he made me promise I would get back to it.  Of course I gladly put that all away when he got sick but there's a lot of stuff tied up in all of this and yes, momtokam, you're right, it had to come out.  I haven't released any of it for so, so long.  And I need to learn to stop being so hard on myself. 

 

Thank you for listening and understanding and reading the gazillion posts I've made recently on this subject.  Now I wait....until JULY (!?). 

[Needytoo]

Sure sounds like your feelings were very similar to mine a few months ago.  It should be something we should be celebrating but instead it bring it all comes back doesn't it?  The stress I felt going through the application process for a job I was already was doing was totally unreal.  I was a mess.  People tried to support me during this but it just made it worse.  I had to tell them to back off.  I tried mediation but I couldn't calm my brain down.  Even after I got the job I was still a mess.  Just not having him here to see what I accomplished was pure Fing hell. 

Now a few months later I am so dam happy. I do my happy dance every day!! I will bet you a dollar you will be the same. 

Best wishes to you. You got this.