Odd Thoughts on Time

[Mr C]

For these past 21 months, Time has loomed painfully far out in front of me. The thought of life without my wife hurts. I have constantly tried negotiating on how long my life should last (as if that was possible). At first, I wanted to quickly be able to join her. As the fog lifted, I realized I needed to be here for the kids and began stretching the time bit by bit. I still don?t want to go further forward than I had with her. And I don?t want to get beyond 70.

 

Having accepted the need to be here maybe a couple more decades (yuck), I have wanted time to speed by.

 

Then tonight I had this sudden shift in outlook on time. It started with an odd train of thought after I had forgotten a street that I have driven hundreds of times. I began day dreaming about losing my memory in older age and wondering where my wife was. I thought I should make sure the kids know that if this ever happens that they should just tell me that Mrs. C is out shopping and that she gave me a big hug and kiss before she left. Then I could just be in my own little happy time where she is still alive in my mind.

 

As I continued thinking about the possibility of losing my mind in the future, a sense of urgency came over me to get tackling my goals while I still am (somewhat) mentally sharp capable. There is a strong need to make sure that the kids and my future is financially secure and other things are taken care of before it is too late. All of a sudden, Time feels short.

 

[SoVerySad]

Time is strange for me in widowhood as well. At first each day was so long. Finally time is back to passing pretty quickly which is good, because it means I'm that much closer to being back together with T again. As much as I'm looking forward to that day, I don't want to be rushing through my kids last few years before adulthood. It seems impossible my son will turn 18 this summer and my baby girl will turn 16 soon.

 

I also have thought about how hard it has been to have lost T and not had my parents (to me my grandparents who raised me from infancy) here for support. I don't ever want my kids to be in a similar situation where they need me so deeply. As such, I feel like I need to be here for them as long as I can. Yet at times my heart feels pulled towards wanting to be with T again as well. Then I feel guilty. These are confusing emotions to navigate through, especially when we know all too well that the plans we try to envision and set might well be out of our control anyway.

 

Hugs to you...

[Amor]

I have at times forgot my Love was not here, forgot for a moment I am now alone.  I hoped for him standing at the door to meet me.  For being home when I came back.  I hoped for this to be the worst dream ever and wake up to everything being perfect again.  Now 16 months in I am realizing my hope is fading.  My Love is not here with me.  My paradise is gone.  My Love is not waiting for me.  My heart is shattered on the floor all of the thousands of piece are still laying there.  No one can pick them up, one one can put them back together again.