Completing projects

[Guest TooSoon]

I've noticed a pattern this fall.  I've been more ambitious in the projects I take on and I invariably melt down when I complete them.  This was true with my promotion application and finishing raking the leaves today.  As Scott's diagnosis was terminal, it felt like a task to complete.  Every time I finish something I just fall apart.  Is it possible that I relive our insane brain cancer journey  in microcosm?  And if so, what the hell?  I have no reason to be crying over finishing raking the leaves (ok, raking leaves on my property is not a small endeavor but still) for crying out loud.  But I am.

[Guest running with scissors]

I do the same thing.  When I finally finish with any project around the house, I break down and cry.  I think I do it because first I wish he was here to do it and second that I was able to get it done on my own .  Whether it was something I had to hire someone in to do it or not. It's something I've done since he died.

[Wheelerswife]

I have committed myself to getting some projects done this week while I am off from school.  I have purposeful procrastination on two big school projects I have on my plate to accomplish as well.  I purged my kitchen cabinets yesterday and today I carried 5 boxes of stuff to the car and drove it to the local charity store.  I'm definitely feeling wistful now, but I know in the long run that I didn't need or use most of what I let go, but it had been used in the past by John.  I also boxed up some of his late wife's family pictures and genealogy materials to send to her sister.  I'm relieved to pass it on to someone who cares about it.  Still, I have a pit in my stomach and can't refocus on what needs to be done next.

 

What is it about projects?  Are they about the passage of time, the intangible, yet too tangible nature of life passing by us?  Accomplishments, but also having to face what comes next?  I'm so ready for this semester to be done, yet I fear the next one, too.  I realize I'm just rambling here, aren't I?  None-the-less, your post resonated with me today.

 

Hugs,

 

Maureen

[Guest TheOtherHalf]

I'm not the kind of person who takes to my bed when I'm depressed. I've had a handful of "mental health" days spent in bed over the past ten years. Less than one handful.

 

I came to the end of a huge business plan and it looked as though the financing was a go and that even the board members of the town were willing to come on board, but I crashed and burned. I knew I couldn't handle the people end of building this business, not THIS business. Not at this time at least. For three months I was incapable of getting out of bed, except to work out.

 

I scaled down, and starting up something far more within my comfort zone, since I've been doing this for 13 years and my business plan with respect to that has been completed for over a year now. I've been living with it for so long, and in a sense it will never really be done, so maybe I can avoid the culture shock that comes with really going forward solo. Because that's what it is - a culture shock among other things to the deepest parts of us, whether its a step up or down in life.

 

In fact, I'd venture to say it's easier to take a step down in life, because we can do that without noticing as much, without as much of that horrible shock of strangeness when we break brand new territory...

 

You know I think it's normal to feel that way, and maybe even decide how to handle it from there, if it's possible to decide. 

 

Or maybe it's a simple case of some things feeling a lot less strange than others, even in terms of completed projects. Although that was not true for me. Doing the dishes and having a clean kitchen represented a time when he was with me and it was hard to face that task for such a long time for those reasons.

 

Still, if it's any consolation, I think some things are going to be easier than others, even in terms of projects. Maybe it's just a nudge to adjust a project toward something more within your comfort zone, and gradually push out from there.

 

I guess this has always been a huge thing for me and I believe it is a really huge thing for most widows for sure.

[SoVerySad]

I think that perhaps while accomplishing things on our own is empowering, it is now accompanied by the realization we've had to learn to do these things on our own - that the one whom we counted on is no longer (and will never again) be there to help us. Kind of like how the happy times and moments we are proud of our children, etc. are always accompanied by a bittersweet sadness as well. Independence is great, except for when it's forced vs desired.

 

Having seen your property, raking all the leaves on it is a huge accomplishment. Well done!!

 

Sending love and tight hugs!!

[Guest TooSoon]

Thanks, everyone.  It is an odd contradiction:  I should feel so good about accomplishing things yet each project completed feels like a loss.  It triggers something in me - perhaps the full release I haven't allowed myself to feel for going on five years.  But I hate it.  I'm trying to find a new therapist because this seems bigger than something I can understand on my own and after all this heartache, I don't want to get in my own way.   

[Guest TheOtherHalf]

Forgive me for bringing this back up again, if you were intending to wind it down. I re-read your first post and it said every time you finish something, you fall apart. I'm paraphrasing. If I read what you said about Scott's terminal dx, you experienced the process of his illness and death as a task to complete, and now you wonder if every task becomes a re-enactment of your experience around your husband's illness and death?

 

That feels like me, and that sounds like PSTD to me. What does it sound like to you?