My girlfriend's daughter

[serpico]

Short backstory: I've been with my girlfriend for 7 months now and we'll likely be engaged before too long.  She has two kids and I have three (ages 9 through 15), and all get along well, even though there are a lot of different personalities and interests.  My girlfriend is divorced and has custody of the kids, though they go to their Dad's house one evening a week and every other weekend.

 

Their Dad is just...weird.  He's sort of antisocial and has never been much of a father to them.  He'll go to their ballgames or concerts but he just stands in the back and doesn't say much.  When they're at his house he doesn't do much with them and they are pretty much on their own, which is fine, because they're 15 and 12.  It's not like he's a bad parent, but he's just not much of a parent, I guess.

 

I don't really have a problem, but just a weird situation: the daughter (the 12-year old) really likes me a lot - much more than she does her own father.  My girlfriend says it's because I actually pay attention to her and engage her while her Dad just tolerates her.  She's a great kid - well behaved, smart, athletic, and gets along with all sorts of kids - and we just hit it off from the start.  The issue is that she's starting to have major meltdowns whenever she has to go to her Dad's, and I have a feeling it's only going to get worse when we get married next year.  They will be moving into my house, which is about a half hour from their Dad's (they're only five minutes apart right now), and that'll make visits even more difficult.

 

I'm pretty certain there is nothing for me to do here - it's not like I"m going to start treating her differently to make her 'not like' me as much.  But it breaks my girlfriend's heart when she has to send the girl to her Dad's because it's clear she hates being there compared to at my house playing with my kids.

 

For those that don't know, I hesitated before dating divorcees because I am wholly ignorant about divorce - it just wasn't an issue I've ever faced, even with friends of mine.  No step-parents, single parents, or anything like that.  So has anyone ever had a situation something like this?  Any thoughts would be appreciated.

[anniegirl]

What does your GF think?

 

Has she and Ex sat down and discussed the situation?

 

You're right that a 12 yr old is only going to become more difficult b/c they can and they know that eventually, they will win. A teenager can't be forced to visit the way a younger child can.

 

I am not sure where you and GF stand on parenting issues. Are you a team or do you still mostly solo even though you are all living together?

 

If you are routinely parenting as a unit, you should broach a discussion about how you view the situation. Suggest sitting down with the 12 yr old and try to get to the bottom of her reluctance and then maybe between you and GF and Dad, come up with a solution. One that the girl gets some say in. Ownership is important to kids that age. They are old enough to know their mind and to have preferences and to be taken seriously as autonomous beings.

 

Blending is hard. It's important to be a united front (with Dad if possible) and remember that it's not personal or about you adults. Kids go through phases. It's easier to ride them out then fight against them.

[Trying]

This is a very tricky age, especially for girls. You are new and paying her attention in a way she probably always wished her Dad did. 

 

Growing up, my parents were divorced and both remarried when I was very young. My birth father was an alcoholic, a pathological liar and all around not great guy.  My step Dad was great (as was my step mom) and my sister and I bonded to him and loved our family unit at my mom's house.  Then we became teenage girls.  I pulled away from bio Dad, eventually cutting ties with him and my sister, who also thought Dad was not a great man, felt a sense of loyalty to him and rejected our step Dad for many years.  By the time she was in college she realized step Dad was much more of a Dad and had a great relationship with him in her adult life.  She remained in contact with bio Dad out of duty but never had a good relationship with him. 

 

The point of my story is that GFs daughter may feel she needs to make alliance with either you or her Dad and she may flip flop who she leans towards.  GF is in the best position to keep communication open with her and continuously reinforce that she never has to choose between you and her Dad.  Some family counseling may help once marriage is a definite plan.  Her Dad should never be bad mouthed and his positive qualities should be mentioned in normal conversation. 

 

Blending is tricky and an ongoing process.  Teenage girls are tricky and just when you think you have them figured out, they will change.

 

You are obviously very thoughtful in your role in this process which will be so helpful as you move forward.

[Bear Tomás]

Nothing much you can do. Do not bad mouth the dad to his daughter. Kids that age are fickle so next year you might be shit to her.  :

[Guest TalksToAngels]

Holy shite Bear you are the incarnation of Santa Claus, I want a rechargeable battery replacement for my 3 power tool please.

Dating someone is hard at any age no less post widowed. Yes do not compare or bad mouth, no matter what he is the teens father, I have experienced a bit of the same, you are the bad guy to ex husband, and it's always best to just not get in the middle.