How rosy memories effect my new relationship

[IfIonlycould]

Sometimes relationships are easy and at other times they a difficult.  Two people coming together and trying to navigate a joint household and shared responsibilities.  When BF and I get in disagreements over this stuff my mind invariably slips back to DH.  Somehow I have painted this rosy picture, however when I really consider it DH and I had our fair share of fights.  But in my mind I think it was easier then,  when in reality I know it wasn't, it was different, but we still had the disagreements of two people with two different viewpoints trying to stake a foothold and make the claim to being right.  Does anyone else do this?  Forget that yes indeed there were issues in your relationship with DH/DW and let your mind go to thinking that it was oh so much better?  Why do I do this?  I want to stop.  I want to be fair to BF but most of all I want to be fair to myself.

[Guest TooSoon]

This very thing has been on my mind lately but for completely different reasons.  I instantly beatified my husband after he died.  He was hands-down pretty much the most amazing father - it was a joy to watch them together-  and he had a magnetism few could resist.  He lit up rooms. 

 

But he was also human, something the cruelty of his death made plain.  He had weaknesses.  He made mistakes.  Just like we all do.   

 

I'm finding in my new relationship that there were things about my marriage that I wouldn't tolerate today.  I have realized that while we shared many, many happy times and so much love, there were some things missing, too.  I was a lot younger and a lot more naive back then. 

 

So I find myself doing the same thing but in the reverse.

 

In the end though, they're just different people, different relationships, in a different time.  I don't know if this helps but it has helped me to think about it like this.  What was, was.  And it was beautiful in many ways and I truly have no regrets.  But it is over.  I learned, I loved, I grew and I grew up and now I can carry that into whatever comes next for us.......and THAT, as you know, is a whole other story. 

 

Try not to be too hard on yourself.     

[Trying]

There are things about my relationship with DH that were better, easier, but I am pretty realistic about the shortcomings in my marriage too.  Some things I would not tolerate again in a chapter 2. Then there are things with NG that I never would've tolerated when I was in my twenties that seem insignificant now.  I think it's that my priorities have changed, because of all that I lost I have a clear idea of what I hold most dear in a relationship and because I am in a different stage of life, my needs are different.  What I wish is that I had the clarity I have now when he was still alive.  Our marriage could've been even better than it was.

[marian53]

" In the end though, they're just different people, different relationships, in a different time.  I don't know if this helps but it has helped me to think about it like this.  What was, was.  And it was beautiful in many ways and I truly have no regrets.  But it is over.  I learned, I loved, I grew and I grew up and now I can carry that into whatever comes next for us?....and THAT, as you know, is a whole other story. "

 

this is just about perfect, Toosoon. I need to commit this to memory.

 

Marian.

[Captains wife]

I so get this. I miss my DH sometimes so much that I forget about the big issues we had in our marriage. I forget how unhappy I was at times being married to him.  I think what I miss (and want to cling onto) were the great parts of the relationship, and how warm and fun he was, what a great father, his general enthusiasm and family orientation. Since I am in a new relationship too, and there are some issues there, that I also sometimes think the grass was greener and that things were better when I was married to DH....as humans, I think its inevitable we do this at times....Yet, even if sometimes things were difficult in our marriage, it doesn't erase missing him and the person that he is. And no one is going to fill that void.  Wishing you all the best. Chapter 2 = not easy.....

[Sugarbell]

The only time it hits me is when I travel with NG. Mentally I think about traveling with Ben and how easy and fun it was. He had a mental GPS system and could get us anywhere and always found the coolest spots-B and B, off the map trials.

 

But then I come back to reality and think "Uh yeah it was relaxing...but on every single trip he was high as a kid cruising down the road smoking a bowl every couple of hours...Life is different now..without it he would be an irritable asshole traveling with 3 kids:

 

But I still have moments--The only person I have ever met with his natural sense of direction/photographic memory when traveling is my oldest son. And oddly I never get worried traveling when he's navigating-been that way since he was 7 or 8.

 

NG has no natural sense of direction...he looks to me to help. It is irritating I admit. But I know it's because my kid and dead husband were natural navigators without trying.

 

But I don't dare let NG know...that's totally not fair to him. And he has qualities Ben never had-that are much more appealing to me now in this life.

[maddalena]

yes, there's a little part of me that says, "hmph, DH would have no problem with this conversation, he'd totally get it and we'd be down the road already"

but then there are other times when I think, "OMG, new guy didn't blow his stack over this thing, DH totally would have!"

so while i'm grousing, I compare, it's not fair. but i keep it to my self. DH is dead. New Guy is alive, he loves me. And neither was perfect. So I'll pick the alive imperfect guy and keep my BS to myself.