IfIonlycould

TooSoon-Thank you for sharing this, I have had the opportunity to reconnect in the same way with a sister and brother who finally opened up and explained. It is a good feeling isn't it? I have a friend who actually was very there for me right after and then as time passed she returned to "normal life" with all of the what seemed to me at the time to be problems that were mostly self created. I was the one who pulled away from her. I was still very focused on myself, my grief and all the problems that came as a result of his dying. I miss her. All of the time. We met years ago in college and went through alot together. I have been trying to muster up the guts(?) to get in touch with her. You're post gave me hope there can be a second chance.

You said it yourself when you said "well meaning". People who have not walked in the same or similar shoes as us tend to wish a "Happier New Year!" Lucky them, they just don't have a clue. Those first few New Years it felt like such a stab to my soul when people would wish me a better coming year, I used to think "My husband will still be dead so not quite sure how to make it a happy year." I would just smile and say thank you. I will tell you this I have gotten better at coping with each New Year that has come. So I will say to you, Hope you, I and everyone on this board finds and continues to find themselves in better spot in the coming New Year.

Will be 8 years this coming July. I never had the 6 month thing...dates that do effect me: the day of his death, his birthday, my birthday, our anniversary....

Mac-I get it. You know the saying "I used to have all the answers, now I don't even know the questions' ? I say that alot now. There has been a shift in me too.

I don't think you should feel guilty at all, and thank goodness we have this safe place to come and share our true feelings. Many wids who have recoupled have shared here that they feel that the new love is a better fit, and many have said it is because the person they lost to death was the right fit then and the new person is the right fit now. I agree.

For me it is more about spirituality than religion, the belief in the universal sense of love, so I guess we'd say my God is Love. After feeling absolute despair for so many years I have feelings of love again, for the world around me, for people in my life, for simple moments, some may say these are God moments. I have given up ever trying to make sense of why any of us here on this board are on this board and why did "that person get spared", I simply one day called it quits on questioning all of it, any of it, most of it. One of my (so to speak ) spiritual guidance counselors once said to me "Religion is for people trying to stay out of Hell, spiritually is for people who have already been there."

To those who are having troubles with decorating, as you can see we were all there at one time and it seems to be a very common theme which is why I started this thread. I wanted to share how I evolved from hiding in a basement to finding the joy of the season again. It is a process and one should do as much or as little as they are comfortable with each year. On the old board I would write about the struggles each year and get the support I needed from my fellow wids...one year I even put everything up only to start uncontrollably bawling (grace) and take it all down. We evolve, our habits change.... sometimes we reinvent and sometimes we go back to old traditions. I say to all do as much or as little as you want....for me I feel blessed to have finally after 7.5 years to have turned the corner! Thanks always to my fellow wids for being here as I processed.

Mac-Totally get it...as I posted in the General section I am really, finally decorating for Christmas this year and have actually been finding the joy of the season again as I connect and reconnect with friends and family. (My first Christmas was spent hiding out in my brothers basement cleaning and organizing.)

ieh21- That was so well written, thank you for sharing these thoughts.

Running-Quite frankly I'm with iloveyoualways, I did not even begin to feel a bit like me again until 5 years and beyond, as a matter of fact it has just been in this past year that I feel the real me returning, it will be 8 years for me in July. No one knows until they have been in our shoes and I too wish they would keep their thoughts to themselves. I'm sorry you had to hear someone say this. kjb-I felt so lost, just so lost....I am so sorry you have had the reason to join us, please keep coming here and reading and posting, it helped me immensely to finally find other people who "got it". I posted and read every day many times a day in the newly widowed section when I first joined, it was an absolute lifeline when I was just drifting along.

CW- Sounds great! I'm with you, going to make my house feel peaceful and merry. With all that is going on in this world right now, with all of the personal tragedies in my life and right here on the board I'm seeking peace and joy. I'm decorating to take me back to the traditions of my childhood and to feel the reason for the season, the message of love. I'm reporting back that my house is all together, sparkling clean, soft Christmas lights glowing from almost every room, and the nativity under the tree. I put timers on everything and it was so nice to come home to tonight. It is certainly comforting to find joy in this again given all of the struggles I had with it the first few years.

I went through this as well when I first started seeing BF a few years back (DH has been gone 7.5 years now). My therapist D and I were sitting on a bench at the beach talking (yes at the time he had a private beach down the street from his office that we would walk to for our sessions). So I told him I was thinking of leaving BF because I didn't want to get any more attached to him than I already was (fear of losing him). D said well we are sitting on this bench right now right? And if the bench is removed we will go sit on the picnic table or sit in the sand, and we will adjust to that. But right now the bench is here, so sit, enjoy the view and stop thinking that it may go away. So simple....and so I did and I am still with BF 6 years later, through fights and health scares....and when those feelings creep back I go back to this simple story and remind myself to enjoy the people, places and things that are in my life today and not live in fear. It is a simple concept but it is not easy at times.

Sake-Not incompetent, just not in that spot where one can even imagine feelings of "tiding and joy", understood....take this year off from Christmas.....if you read my first post you'll know I "hid out" in my brothers basement that first year.....be kind to yourself and don't force yourself to do something that will add to the pain. Take care, I am truly sorry you had a reason to join us, truly sorry any of us are here....

Sometimes relationships are easy and at other times they a difficult. Two people coming together and trying to navigate a joint household and shared responsibilities. When BF and I get in disagreements over this stuff my mind invariably slips back to DH. Somehow I have painted this rosy picture, however when I really consider it DH and I had our fair share of fights. But in my mind I think it was easier then, when in reality I know it wasn't, it was different, but we still had the disagreements of two people with two different viewpoints trying to stake a foothold and make the claim to being right. Does anyone else do this? Forget that yes indeed there were issues in your relationship with DH/DW and let your mind go to thinking that it was oh so much better? Why do I do this? I want to stop. I want to be fair to BF but most of all I want to be fair to myself.

An absolutely wonderful gift, I am so happy for you that your sister opened the book and saw it.

The best way to decorate! Totally understand....from my first post on this thread you'll see my first Christmas without I "hid" in my brothers basement since we did not have kids that I needed to decorate for.....take it slow and put out just enough to make the kids feel Christmas. I like donswife's idea of having people over to motivate you. My second Christmas I was with my BF and he wanted a tree. I could not bear the thought of bringing out the ornaments yet. I didn't even have to tell him that, he seemed to know. One night he took me to the tree lot and got a little Charlie Brown like Christmas tree and then picked up some lights and a few packages of ornaments, including one "special" one for each of us....that little tree was so sweet and meaningful. Since then I have finally gone through all of the Christmas stuff and have actually given away to relatives some ornaments. This weekend I plan on going through it all again as I decide how I will decorate for Christmas going forward and I may let go of more. For me sometimes having those sentimental things around is more of a painful reminder jab than a comfort. Today I am cleaning the house and then dragging the Christmas bins out!

This happens every year, well ok not the first year, the first Christmas without I spent cleaning and organizing my brothers basement watching Leave it to Beaver episodes. It was the perfect way to pretend Christmas did no even exist. Subsequent years I have had various "levels" of decorating, once I even set a bunch of stuff up only to stare at it crying and take it all back down. There are no children to hold it together for and make sure they have all of the decor in place. And every year I find myself wanting the peaceful feeling of the warm glow from the lights but every year it becomes this thing. This is it wids. I am decorating for Christmas. I will not allow the sadness of the memories to overtake me. I will get out however little or much I want and make the house a place filled with peace and the spirit of the season. Who's with me?

Ouch is right, but remember you don't truly know what is between them, only he does....but, yeah, it hurts when someone you love(d) seems to have "moved on". ((((((((HUGS))))))

TooSoon-Every single thing you have written could have been written by me at that time. The limbo, the strength, the weakness, the knowing, the not having a clue, the wanting to make a move, the desire to go back to the familiar normal. Years three and four were SO hard for me, I was in such a place of knowing what I wanted and the next minute wondering if it was right because my judgement was off, and then back to knowing. Wanting to get out of the job that my widowhood had forced me into and then being too indecisive to take the step. That and the barrier that had to be crossed of buying the next house and needing to show income from an employer rather than self employment, all of the bridges and the constant feeling of limbo......and having to do all of this as I was approaching middle age...this was supposed to be "our time" to coast and instead I found myself crawling up that hill and playing hurry up and wait with my life.... I know I have just rattled on but I am recalling from memory those feelings, I am coming to 8 years that he will be gone this July. I am so much better than I was, so much better....

klc-Six years, seems like yesterday, seems like a lifetime, I will be 8 this July. Sending ((((HUGS)))))

My thoughts are I could have written your post word....for.....word at my three year time, truly, word for word. (And if it helps, it has gotten better, finally). ((((((HUGS)))))

Good job getting through it all. Unbelievable that someone who works at a crematorium could be so nasty to a widow. And yes sounds like Flavor came through for you again. Let us know how the memorial goes.

Understand sisterwid, understand it so much...it has really been just this past year that I have really felt my true self back again.

Trying I don't think you are being irrational at all...you are having a very real response to a horrific world event. As widows and widowers we have on a very real and personal level gone through unbearable losses. Losses that we had no control over and like Maureen pointed out not having a sense of control can send us into the worry zone. Seeing something like what has happened in Paris can of course trigger a response especially if you were already having an odd time. I am glad you got some sleep. And yes, even with NG's in our lives sometimes we just want those super familiar arms around us to comfort us. Again sending (((((HUGS))) and good thought your way.

Trying I am sorry you are going through this anxiety....what is happening is all so incredibly disturbing and heartwrenching. I am taken back to 9/11 and the absolute anxiety I went through.....watching hour after hour of it on T.V., falling asleep only to waken a few hours later and watch it all again....I remember by the weekend DH and I finally turned it to a Brady Bunch marathon and tiled the backsplash in the kitchen. Doing something "normal" while watching "comfort reruns" seemed to quell the anxiety a bit. I know you said that you tried distraction, meditation, etc. but have you tried just shutting it off and not allowing yourself to watch anymore? Perhaps you can find something mindless to watch or read and partake in a "normal" project that you must give your attention to to push out the thoughts that are feeding the anxiety? Hopefully you are in bed right now as I'm writing this getting some sleep. (((((((HUGS))))))