now for weird relationship problem... gurus?

[maddalena]

Maybe some of you have already been here and can help me with this problem.  Although I retired early to take care of my dying spouse, a long career in Aerospace left me with a pension and pretty good SS.

My new beau has also worked hard all his life, but as a social worker in a poor area. So his retired income will be far less than what mine is.

 

Now, whenever he owes me something, he over pays. if he owes me 60 he pays me 100. He hates to take my money (he's proud) he also spends a lot on gifts WAY WAY too much. (much more than I would )

He's moving into my house and I originally planned to charge him rent, but I'm afraid it's just going to be more of him handing money over to me!

I decided to just put him on my checking account.. any other ideas?

[fctyler]

I feel personally that when you are dating, you have "yours" and "mine."  When you are so committed to each other that you get married, then I think everything becomes "ours."  That may not be a popular answer, especially when this is a second marriage, but I would definitely have a problem "paying rent" to my husband, like I'm a roommate.  If you're married, then combine assets and enjoy that combined pot of money together.  If you feel too uncomfortable combining all your assets, then just combine SS and not pension or vice versa.  To me, sharing your life means sharing the fruits of your labor as well.

 

[maddalena]

i agree with you, thank you.

not sure i can get HIM to agree though.

[Trying]

I'm not at the combining households stage yet with NG but looking to the future it's something I think about a lot. We are both of working age with kids to support and our income/assets are not equal.  I will be consulting with a lawyer when we get to that point so what my husband left for me and my children will be separate to go to them someday.  We will then have an "our" account to pay for all household expenses and everything else.  My NG is also very proud and this is what makes him comfortable as well.

Dealing with finances is always very sensitive and different for everyone.  Whatever you decide, do it together so you each feel like you have a say and both of your needs are met.

 

One more thing, why is it still, in this day and age, that it's harder when the woman earns more? I don't have an answer but I think it still is.

[maddalena]

trying, I continually remind NG that he's a feminist, not a chauvinist, but with him it's really a kneejerk reaction. He was treated very badly by his first wife, i think...

[hachi]

This was a very tough area for me because I did not have the discussion early enough in my relationship with NG. He makes more money than I do, but his divorce left him pretty badly off. I own my assets and have a decent retirement plan. Ultimately, I do think our common goal will be to take care of each other, and if anything is left over, it will end up in a trust for my children, since most of the assets are from my marriage. As time goes on, I will change the terms of the trust to benefit NG more. Right now we have no plans to marry, but if we did, we would really need to spend time with the details. We have already acknowledged that we view money very differently, and that was an overdue conversation. It would have  been so much easier to have worked it out before we jumped in.

 

Good for you to be thinking of this before you combine households.

[Abitlost]

How about you pay for the house and he pays bills?