I don't know what to do.

[MrsDan]

Today I had to miss a very important meeting because DD has a bad cold. No way she can she probably be home Wednesday. I'll be lucky if I get to work at all this week. Work is gonna be pissed. But what am I supposed to do? I still have not found a backup caregiver. BIL suggested I ask MIL to fly in to help but that didn't seem to make sense.

 

I feel like it was incredibly irresponsible of me to move out here with almost no support. But I couldn't keep commuting 2 hours a day. And overall in many ways it's been helpful. I've met someone I'm really enjoying getting to know, and I don't think I would have even considered that had I stayed where I was. My daughter and dogs have more time with me. I don't feel like I have to answer to people about my grief before. My job takes more focus than my old job ever did, so I don't have the time to focus on grief.

 

But I am so completely alone. My BIL and his family are done helping me. I thought I'd be able to pay someone to watch her when sick, but it's just not that easy. I can't miss a week of work everytime she's sick. I can't be in two places at once.

 

I'm so tired of trying to make the impossible situation Dan put me in work. I'm sick of my life being about putting out fires and grief. Somebody is always mad at me. Either because I couldn't perform, or because I have to cash in so many favors so I can perform. I'm sick of begging, begging for forgiveness, begging for help. Constantly apologizing for not making this work, to people who have no idea how impossible my life is. I do a lot, handle a lot. But I can't do everything. Something I used to tell Dan when he wouldn't help me. Why? Why is so much expected of me? Other people take sick days, take breaks. I never do. The only me time I have is one hour of Netflix in the evenings and a few smoke breaks during the day. And now, time spent talking/texting withis guy, and seeing him maybe once a week. And yet, I catch so much shit for any time I waiver from a state of complete toil.

 

I feel like such an idiot. I left a job completely understanding of my family situation and family that could help me. But it wasn't sustainable. Her grandparents are in their 70s, I don't know how long they could have kept watching her.

 

I'm just tired. Tired of clawing through the muck of pain and worry and grief and hating myself. It's made me a horrible mother. I need a vacation. I'd planned some time off in January but now I won't be able to justify it. I feel like I'm constantly one sick kid or dog or mistake away from complete disaster. One bright spot has been this guy, who I had doubts about but just felt like there was something there. And there is, but now I'm terrified that will just disappear, or my incredibly complicated life will destroy it and then I'll be back to where I was before, but worse. Sorry this got long. Just overwhelmed.

[Guest TooSoon]

Deep breaths.  I get it all.  The negotiations I carry out to do my job and make sure my child is taken care of are nothing short of epic and a full time job in and of themselves.  I'm going to resist going on a tangent about what is wrong with "work" in America.  Take the day off to take care of your child (and yourself) and do not beat yourself up about it.  The sky will not fall. 

[Max2507]

When my kids were little and I had a job that I couldn't just take off from I had to make some crazy arrangements. Plan a, b, c, d its horrible and looking back don't know how it all worked out. The stress is beyond belief and then add all the other stuff you have now. You have made it this far though! Pat yourself on the back for that! Do you have a nursing service in your town? You can hire a nursing assistant (they are typically background checked, know CPR ) getting to know one or two and your daughter as well so that when the need arises call the service. Costly, but if it gives you peace of mind to go in for the big meeting its worth it.

[Captains wife]

I get it, sorry. While I have 1 child he was only 9mths old when my husband suddenly died. I had just moved to a new town so knew no one and my family lives 1200 miles away. I also have a fairly demanding career and have to work to support my son and I. Have also been trying to date. But sometimes I don't feel like I am doing any of the above particularly well - and my sons recent accident has highlighted how alone I really am and it seems impossible to juggle everything. Vent away - this is tough....I'm sorry you don't have more family support close by. I would recommend using Care.com to find a dependable, older, experienced caregiver who can help in these emergencies as well as provide some regular childcare. On some occasions, I have flown my mother in to help. Give yourself a break- it's impossible to do everything that 2 people are supposed to do but clearly you are doing everything you can. Enjoy dating if you've met someone you like, you deserve adult time as well as parent time.

[MrsDan]

Thank you all for your responses. I stayed home with her two days and work did not fall apart. That's a good idea about the nursing service. Thank you I never would have thought of that. I did find a date night sitter on Care.com but it's just been harder finding back up sick care.