For the most part...

[IfIonlycould]

I am beyond active grieving...I know this is my life now and that wishing for things to go back is a waste of my energy.  I have gone through alot since he died...including but not limited to...being in the process of moving back from out of state when he died...having to fix up and sell the house we had purchased...starting and training at two new part time jobs to try to make ends meet...moving to a rental house...quitting the part time jobs and starting and training at a full time job, buying...moving to...completely remodeling another house, the death of my mother,  selling and moving from the remodeled house to another rental, buying another house to gut and remodel, the death of a friend, moving from the rental to the newly remodeled house, cutting back full time job to part time and starting my own business....

 

For the most part I am beyond the terrible grief....but I am tired...tired...tired....when I look at all that I have gone through I would say "Yeah well no wonder...." if any of you had told me this was your journey....I just feel like the wind is out of my sails...around the 3rd year I felt moments of joy...no I'm not talking about when you are with a friend and can laugh so hard you fall on the floor...those came back...but I am talking about the ones where you feel it deep down...the whoop joy feeling...that you get when you are alone in your thoughts and life feels good...but I'm back to not feeling the whoop joy feeling as much...back to wondering when and if it will find me again...back to feeling just too damn tired to go after it...

 

Anyone else this far out (Six and a half years) and still having this?  or still having these swings?  I shared all I have gone through so you would understand where I am coming from...I often wonder if I have been operating on pure adrenaline for these past six and a half years and my mind and body are finally saying "We need a break!" (ps health checks out ok)

[anniegirl]

I am just past nine years out. My husband, a widower, is coming up on eight. And we've both noted this.

 

It has nothing to do with present life. In which we are lucky and really blessed.

 

It's more an acknowledgement that we've had a hard lesson in the fragility of life. You can't unknow some things. It's a bit of a joy suck.

 

I take nothing for granted. And I have things that matter. People that matter. But sometimes, I wonder why I can't dream big anymore. Or rather, I can, but I don't.

 

But I think there is something to being exhausted on multiple levels. Having been a caregiver too has changed me physically. Left scars that I will deal with forever. If it took years to break us down, it will take years to restore.

 

I don't want to end this on a downer note. I do think that eventually most of us (majority) find our new selves, happiness as it is defined for us and that grief is not a life sentence of misery. But the memories and lessons are always there. The trick is to decide what to do with them and how much they will influence us going forward.

 

 

[IfIonlycould]

Anniegirl--Thank you so much for your reply....all of it struck a chord and no you did not end on a downer note...you gave me honesty which I desperately needed to not feel so alone....this whole loss of spouse thing is beyond human comprehension sometimes...all of the multi layers that follow...and navigating down new roads when I felt the most lost .....but then another wid comes along and shares her/his truth and suddenly I don't feel so lost....that maybe this is how it is now, you know?

 

"It has nothing to do with present life. In which we are lucky and really blessed.

 

It's more an acknowledgement that we've had a hard lesson in the fragility of life. You can't unknow some things. It's a bit of a joy suck.

 

I take nothing for granted. And I have things that matter. People that matter. But sometimes, I wonder why I can't dream big anymore. Or rather, I can, but I don't."

 

 

I keep rolling the "You can't unknow some things.  It's a bit of a joy suck." around in my head...when I read this I started to cry...because, yes, you nailed it.  Thank you for sharing that both you and your husband understand what I am talking about...because if you look at my life today  I too "am lucky and really blessed" but this feeling nags at me ...your entire reply really helped.

 

[Guest marian1953]

yes, the school of hard knocks? I lost a part of me that will never be back. We all did. Both of you helped me today while I was beating myself up.

Marian

[K_J]

IfIonlycould - sounds like you went through a ton of stuff in only a few years.  Wow!  No wonder you're tired.

 

Annie girl makes some excellent points.  On the one hand, I think losing my first husband to cancer, and yet falling in love again and having kids despite fertility issues, helped me to be optimistic and amazed at the fact that life can still be good.  But at the same time, I think the fact that life is short and nothing is guaranteed was driven home with having lost him at such a young age.  I know at my core that we have to raise kids who can function on their own, because we won't be here forever.  I have some dreams career-wise, but I'm also a lot more brutally realistic in considering if it makes sense to go for one or more of them at this point, given my age, what if we have to move for my now-husband's job, etc.  I also had some career-related disappointments in the first few years after M. died, so that also has reduced my optimism.  I'm trying not to let all these issues make me unduly unwilling/unable to go for jobs/career moves that could make sense.  But if something seems like too much of an uphill battle, unless it seems like I absolutely must go for it, I don't have the energy to fight for things that don't seem worth it.  It took me so many years to recover from back-to-back support/caregiving when my mother had cancer (she survived) and then only a few months after she finished her active treatment, my late husband was diagnosed.  I always say that my mid-late 20s was cancer, cancer, widowhood and grief.  It was exhausting.  And honestly, the last couple of years have been pretty tiring too (extremely glued-to-me baby who is still an intense toddler with many allergies to manage).

 

Anyway!  Lots of good things have happened in the last several years, don't get me wrong.  But I do understand about the exhaustion thing.