SWMIL's rant about DIL's future dating

[MrsDan]

I think the mistake you made is thinking her decisions in the event she is widowed are anybody's business but her own.

 

We're family, we have values, we respect ourself, we respect as well as have compassion for one another and that's how we roll. We all have a role in this family and a purpose. Odd thing is, I can't figure out why other families do not care for one another as my family does.

 

Easy there, just because you have different ideas on the subject doesn't mean you get to attack other people's family values.

 

This weekend I plan on telling Dan's parents that I am seeing someone. Do I owe them an explanation of my feelings for NG and what they do, (or rather don't) mean about my feelings for Dan? I personally think I do. I've been in the family a long time, and I believe the feelings of people who have lost their child should be considered and protected as much as possible. Should their reactions govern how I proceed with NG? Absolutely not. It's my life, and I am the one grieving my husband. Of course I'm past the one year mark you've set down as proper. So that makes it okay, right?

 

We all basically experience the same affects from grief, its our choices and actions that makes the difference.

 

This is not at all true. I've read the experiences of hundreds of widows and can say without question that there is great variability in the nature of each one's grief. You don't know the first thing about my feelings about my husband's death or how the circumstances radically affect the nature of my grief. Don't presume and don't generalize.

[RobFTC]

I get the impression you didn't receive this type of care otherwise I don't think you would've supportive and not referred to my family values as hard and fast rules.

 

I am far from any family, and the age dynamics of my family mean that most aunts are gone or preoccupied with their own health issues.

 

But I had a wonderful experience from a roll-your-own family consisting of peers who were also widowed, here on the board but maybe moreso in a local wids group in which I happily found myself.  We listened to each other and accepted each others' craziness, passed on warnings when we saw fit, and loved each other.  That cohort of us is doing pretty well, even the ones who didn't follow your rules.

 

Your path, once again, is not the only path just because it worked for you.

 

Rob T

[Jess]

Hi everyone. I am locking this thread from further comment. We try to avoid this action as much as possible, but in this case our team agrees it is the right thing to do because of the direction the thread has taken. Thank you all for your understanding and as a reminder, you may PM any of us if you have any concerns.