SWMIL's rant about DIL's future dating

[Freelancing]

Christmas started off with lots of excitement, kissing, hugging and playfulness. By noon, everyone began to relax, board games were being selected, one on one conversations were being initiated and all that good stuff. It was the perfect time to slip into the frigid cold garage to get the food in for baking. My DIL followed me out. We decided on what needed to go in first, where this, that and the other were at, discussed her family, then she dropped a bombshell from I don't know where in hell. "Mom, I've been thinking about all those years you grieved Dad. I know you hurt for such a long time and you just couldn't get over his death. I just want you to know that if Michael dies I'll start dating after a few months."

 

Apparently, she ignored my body language to shut up by turning around to face her with crossed arms and furrowed brow. OMG! She went on and on and on to explain this, that and the other. Blah, blah, blah, blah was all I heard as chills ran up and down my spine, my hair caught on fire, my teeth grew into fangs. I asked as calmly as possible if her devout Catholic parents knew of this or my son. She said "Nooo, but they'll understand", (Yup, they'll be pisst and disappointed. Yup, my son will be pisst if he's on his dying bed to learn it had been planned ). That horrid terrifying conversation came to an end on my forth attempt at finding a task in need of attention inside the house. I must've stayed in the garage about a 1/2 hour heating it up releasing pure anger in order to compose myself as if nothing were ever said. I had to wipe the sweat from my brow, check my armpits, fix my hair and straighten my clothes before entering. I never ever thought I would react so uncharacteristically, not even in my wildest dreams! But then again, I never thought "I" with my big fat head would ever be confronted with that shit!

 

All that kept rushing through my brain was, you are talking about the demise of my son f'n bit*h, this is my son you're talking so nonchalantly about you f''n bit*h, he's not even dead and you're talking like this you f'n bit*h, you can't even be alone for a f'n year for your own f'n good and for my GD you f'n bit*h, after all I've been through and demonstrated you didn't learn a f'n thing, you f'n bit*h, then on to visualizing ramming my arm down her throat to rip out her beating heart. Arrrrgh! I haven't been this livid in years, and here she comes with her big ugly mouth. It put a big damper on the first Christmas I was fully anticipating -embracing with love and peace. There are some things better left unsaid! F'n bit*h!

 

If she was in her 20s or 30s, instead of 41, I know I would've struggled, but I would've at least attempted to explain the many benefits of waiting a year. In addition, I would have explained the responsibilities to herself, my GD and both families. But nooooo, she had to hit me with something I never wanted to know about! F'n bit*h!

 

All I keep thinking about is my GD or my kids asking if I knew she was dating or if I knew she planned on dating. Knowing me and my devotion to keeping my family together, I would lie. First answer, NO. Second answer, She's trying to find her way through grief while listening to them cry and bit*h and compare her grief to mine as I'd try to maintain their love and respect for her. The sh*t we parents go through sucks!

 

Then there's the family and friends thoughtfully asking how she's doing and reiterating her need for space. And I answer, she's dating. The shock, feelings of betrayal, wishing they had never extended themselves, words like "she truly looked bereaved". Sh*t I never thought "I" with my big fat head thought I would ever have to cope with! Not today, tomorrow or in the future. Then I think myself, NO! They don't get it and neither do I, its too much to process all at once! Then I remind them of my mother marrying early on, then someone saying "and look how that turned out" as they move their head side to side saying a prayer of peace for her. OMG! That f'n bit*h DIL! Arrrrgh!

 

I can only pray I die before my son. This glimpse into the future is a burden! All those years I wished I knew what the future held for me, and I get this f'd up pile of sh*t dumped on me. "Why, why, why??????

 

Do I keep her at a distance? Or do I behave like nothing was ever said? Will I be like those other INLS I read about who sound cruel and heartless in abandoning their child's spouse with kind words, a hug, resigning themselves to giving up their grandchildren while thinking "go away because I'm afraid of what you will do" or "who and what you will become" or "I already feel like I can't trust you". Its just easier to cast you off then to have any thing more to do with you.

 

I'm vacillating on whether to keep my plans for starting off the new year together. Just the sound of her name pours acid into my stomach. I just don't know as a MIL how to suck up all this anger, feelings of betrayal and disappointment for new year's day. I don't know how to face my son with this sh*t consuming my every thought! I've got a migraine, my neck is stiff, I'm nauseous, I quietly feel like strangling her. What to do? tap, tap, tap, Fn' bitch. I could call her the "C' word, even though I'm angry I'm able to restrain myself in that regard.

 

I know this remains to be seen, but the present anger still needs to be worked out.

 

Okay, any advice on how to suck it up for New Year's Day? Any ideas on how to work it out or compartmentalize it?

 

Thanks!

 

 

 

[RobFTC]

I am so sorry you're hurting.  But I am alarmed that you are so mad that you are cussing her out.  She's guilty of being tactless, and of the hubris of assuming she can be an expert in something she can't possibly imagine.  I don't know why it would be important for her to share that with you.

 

THAT SAID, what she says does not sound crazy, or unfaithful, or mean, just something she need not have shared with you.  There is nothing magic about a waiting a year, many here know that.  She might feel close enough to you that she thought she could say this stuff to you (a bad call from a DGI).  What about what she said makes you mad?  I bet one reason is the implication that she could handle what you went through better (see hubris, above), but what else is in there?  I would hope you can understand what bugs you so much to preserve your relationship with the person that now rightly matters most in your son's life.

 

Would it have been better if you had found a way to end the conversation before you got so mad?  Trying to bristle and convey with your body language that you didn't want to have the conversation didn't work, might saying that out loud have been better?  I know that is not easy.

 

These words came to mind.  "Look, it's really hard for me to listen to you on this topic, and may always be.  I also don't think you can know what it might feel like in advance, so your words sound a little judgmental about the way I handled it, which is not welcome.  I'd like to stop discussion on this topic now."  Something like this said to mark your boundaries may help, too.

 

I hope very much that your holidays improve from here.

 

Take care,

Rob T

[fairlanegirl]

I'd agree completely with Rob - she sounds incredibly tactless, and goodness knows why she felt the need to share such a thing - as he says she has no idea anyway. I've had people say the opposite to me - 'Oh those two, if one died the other would never be with anyone else' (I have recoupled) and have replied 'they have no idea how they would react, none at all." Who knows? She and your son may even have discussed it? Some folks do.

[Wheelerswife]

I know that I never expected to fall in love with someone new at 6 months out. But it was so right for both of us and no disrespect for our late spouses.  I was, however, as tactful as I could be with my late husband's family. It sounds to me like your DIL has spent some time contemplating how she might react if she was faced with being widowed. She thinks she would react differently than you have. She really cannot know until she lives it. I didn't know how I would react the second time, and I had been through widowhood before.

 

Your DIL's error was that she didn't choose the right audience for her revelation.

 

I hope you can get past this transgression with your DIL. All of us who are widowed make decisions based on what is right for us as individuals after losing a spouse. I hope she is old and on a walker before she ever has to cope with losing your son.

 

Maureen

[Trying]

Your DIL was very insensitive to you as a widow and also to you as the mother of her husband!  I see her comments along the lines of those who don't have children yet that judge parents by saying "when I have children they will NEVER..." it's an ignorance for someone who has never been in your shoes to even begin to guess how they might react.

 

While I think you are totally justified to be annoyed by her completely tactless comment I also wonder if there is more behind the degree  of your anger.  Do you have other conflicts with this DIL? Did she hit a nerve for some other reason? No need to answer here but this might give you an idea of how to proceed with her.  If she has a pattern of being insensitive then you may need to have a talk with her.

[BrokenHeart2]

The gaul of this DIL to even bring this up with you is appalling to me. Of all people in the world why would she say this to you? An example of a true DGI and a very insensitive person as well.  Kinda makes me sad for your son as well.

[Bunny]

No one knows for sure how they will cope with widowhood while their spouse is still breathing. I remember frantically trying to calm myself with some kind of a 'plan' those last few days...that all flew right out the window the moment he died in my arms. And I realized how ridiculous it was to have even thought I could imagine what my life would be like without him. widowhood is truly unfathomable until you experience it for yourself. I don't know why your DIL was foolish enough to discuss this topic with you, it certainly was incredibly tacky and insensitive- to say the least. I do feel the intense anger you are now placing onto DIL more than likely stems from the rage you still feel for your mother and her choices.

 

Since you have asked, here is my own heartfelt advice; though it is far from simple, for your own sake and the sake of your family, please try to find a way to forgive her absolute ignorance and foolishness. Understand that no matter how she *thinks* things would be, actually *feeling* those things is something else entirely. I myself am trying to work through some of my own anger and resentments, so I realize what I am asking of you is very difficult. I read this quote a while back and have found it to be helpful when I find myself overcome with anger. I hope it can be of some use for you also:

 

'To understand everything is to forgive everything'. -Buddha

[Portside]

Okay, any advice on how to suck it up for New Year's Day? Any ideas on how to work it out or compartmentalize it?

 

Yeah - ignore it.

 

Folks look at widows/widowers and can't imagine finding themselves in the same situation as us. It scares them to their very core. They try to think it through and some may come up with what they think they would do or say. Of course, they do not know how it would hit them at all. But they think they do.

 

Because the very idea of such a catastrophe shakes them so, things are sometimes said that one may take as thoughtless. What they really are is uninformed - but how could you prepare for the early death of your spouse anyway?

 

The essential part of the entire exchange with your DIL is this: She saw how you were/reacted concerning the death of your husband and it scared the hell out of her. She looked inward and tried to understand how she could cope with it and that scared her even further. What was said was uttered out of fear.

 

Of course, I wasn't there but I'd just give her a pass on this one. I don't think she meant to hurt you.

 

Merry Christmas - Mike

[Gabzmom]

I am sorry for your DIL's insensitivity and that she hurt you.  My thought is that she doesn't fully comprehend losing a spouse.  I don't think she can plan her feelings. No one knows until one finds themselves in the abyss of grief. Sending a hug your way.

[Freelancing]

I am so sorry you're hurting.  But I am alarmed that you are so mad that you are cussing her out.  She's guilty of being tactless, and of the hubris of assuming she can be an expert in something she can't possibly imagine.

 

I'm rather taken aback at your alarm; its instinctual for a Mama Bear to react aggressively -going bat shit crazy- when she detects any type of threat to her cub(s) including my granddaughter. This is the other side of the spectrum. The MIL. The Mother who was talked at without any regard. Being an IL is a tough job!

 

I get the impression as a widow with a number of years of experience I'm suppose to be accepting of all things widow/ers do or understand everyone's grief. I don't. Been there, done that, walked-ran-kicked in those shoes, begged on hands and knees for God to give him back. During all that wicked pain I learned a great many wonderful lessons I might have spent a life time learning -some were an absolute surprise! Reading the old board helped me not make big mistakes, I made small ones that were easily fixed. Grief was hard enough, I didn't want to make it harder. I do believe if DH saw me now, he'd be elated and love me more for the happiness I've found, my care of the kids and my ability to resolve the issues that haunted me since I was a child. His death was not in vain.

 

Regardless, if DIL is aware or not how she will feel when its her time to grieve, in my family we nurse our widow/ers for one year and all they have to do is grieve with the family. Its a very simple tradition, one we believe is valuable, respectable and helpful when the time comes. We just don't send our widow/ers adrift unless they want to make a break.

 

DIL is fully aware it means no dating for one year. Michael would also do the same. Obviously, dating after the first year would be expected as well as quietly accepted. Personally, I think it would hurt to lose her if that is her choice at the same time not a word to deter her would be spoken. And there would never have to be a conversation about dating. I'd rather hear it on the village grapevine because I know it would cause tremendous hurt, the kind I'd have to turn my back on if it were face to face. I can't bare the thought of losing my son nor having my granddaughter burdened during her own grief.

 

In any case, I've been nursing her last couple of days. She has a virus of some sort from trying to be Super Woman -putting more on her plate than she could handle. I did remind her of the one year tradition in my family as well as asked her not to mention it to her parents -they are devout Catholics as well as Italian. I don't know that her parents would want her dating in their tiny Italian village either.

 

Christmas Day, she was pisst off at my son for telling her not to be crisping food in her new cookware. I, again, was not happy about that. On Thanksgiving, as usual, I pulled the stuffing bag out of the turkey to add to the reserve stuffing for additional baking. It wasn't where I put it, I asked DIL if she remembered if I had moved it. She pointed to an electric skillet on the kitchen table with the stuffing crisping in an inch of olive oil. DIL said Michael likes it crispy, I thought to myself Michael has eaten it like this for the last 40 years -the recipe has been handed down through the generations. All I could say was okay. She summoned Michael to take a look at the crispy stuffing, OMG, from the dining room I heard him say, I don't like it that kind of crispy, I like how my Mom makes it 'cuz its just like Gramma's. I cornered him in the livingroom, wanted to smack him upside the head, instead I asked him to not ever say that again. Its enough that she keeps trying to compete with me when she has no reason to. Arrrgh! That kind of sh*t just spurs her on.

 

Anyway, that son of mine never apologized -said he didn't think he needed to because she needed to stop doing that crap -okay whatever. I said to him I don't ever want family time spoiled, whatever goes on in your marriage needs to be kept between the two of you unless you need suggestions by telling either of you how and what Dad and I did to make our marriage work.

 

As far as there not being anything magical about the first year, it depends on the person.

I learned and did "magical" things my first year. I'm still amazed at myself for uncovering some very valuable information regarding DH's death. Highly trained investigators missed them. It also depends on the person and the reason they are using what sounds to me like a platitude.

 

Anyhoo, we're all good now!

Thanks for the replies 

 

[Wheelerswife]

 

I get the impression as a widow with a number of years of experience I'm suppose to be accepting of all things widow/ers do or understand everyone's grief. I don't. Been there, done that, walked-ran-kicked in those shoes, begged on hands and knees for God to give him back. During all that wicked pain I learned a great many wonderful lessons I might have spent a life time learning -some were an absolute surprise! Reading the old board helped me not make big mistakes, I made small ones that were easily fixed. Grief was hard enough, I didn't want to make it harder. I do believe if DH saw me now, he'd be elated and love me more for the happiness I've found, my care of the kids and my ability to resolve the issues that haunted me since I was a child. His death was not in vain.

 

Regardless, if DIL is aware or not how she will feel when its her time to grieve, in my family we nurse our widow/ers for one year and all they have to do is grieve with the family. Its a very simple tradition, one we believe is valuable, respectable and helpful when the time comes. We just don't send our widow/ers adrift unless they want to make a break.

 

DIL is fully aware it means no dating for one year. Michael would also do the same. Obviously, dating after the first year would be expected as well as quietly accepted. Personally, I think it would hurt to lose her if that is her choice at the same time not a word to deter her would be spoken. And there would never have to be a conversation about dating. I'd rather hear it on the village grapevine because I know it would cause tremendous hurt, the kind I'd have to turn my back on if it were face to face. I can't bare the thought of losing my son nor having my granddaughter burdened during her own grief.

 

While I completely respect your grief journey for yourself, I don't understand how you can expect another person to follow what you seem to dictate as the family rules.  I don't know where you live or what culture you live within.  Apparently your DIL comes from an Italian Catholic tradition, and perhaps you do as well, but in my view and perhaps in the views of some others, this feels very oppressive.  It feels like others dictate how one grieves.

 

I have had two very different experiences of grieving my late husbands.  I met my second husband when I was 6 months out and was remarried at 18 months out.  I had been married for over 17 years to my first husband.  I am a couple weeks shy of 2 years out from my second husband's death now, a relationship of under 4 years, with just under 3 of those years married.  I have only just recently considered dating.  I say all of this because I think your experience and viewpoints are valuable, but should not be considered the only "correct" way that widows and widowers should grieve.  On the old YWBB, a widow would shame other wids who started dating "early" -  both publicly and privately - and this caused some real anguish for some members. 

 

Sharing stories and viewpoints is important here on this board, but not to the point of judging others for how they grieve and when they choose to renter the world of new relationships.

 

Respectfully,

 

Maureen

[Trying]

I believe you have now explained why you were so angry with DIL, it was not just that she was insensitive to your grief or insensitive to you as a mother but the idea of her turning her her back on your traditions.  She should have respect for your traditions and your desire to follow them.  I hope you in turn would respect others who don't share the same traditions as you.

 

I am glad you seem to have gotten past this with her.  I hope that she will be more tactful in the future and perhaps you can find some acceptance of the different journeys your fellow wids are on.

[marian53]

I wish you peace and acceptance in  the New Year.

Marian

[RobFTC]

I'm rather taken aback at your alarm; its instinctual for a Mama Bear to react aggressively -going bat shit crazy- when she detects any type of threat to her cub(s) including my granddaughter.

 

Threat?  What threat?

 

Regardless, if DIL is aware or not how she will feel when its her time to grieve, in my family we nurse our widow/ers for one year and all they have to do is grieve with the family. Its a very simple tradition, one we believe is valuable, respectable and helpful when the time comes. We just don't send our widow/ers adrift unless they want to make a break.  DIL is fully aware it means no dating for one year. Michael would also do the same.

 

So you expect that your daughter-in-law should accept those traditions without question?

 

Personally, I think it would hurt to lose her if that is her choice at the same time not a word to deter her would be spoken.

 

Does "lose her" mean you WOULD be one of those in-laws who would abandon the widowed partner of their child because they didn't act as you expected?

 

As far as there not being anything magical about the first year, it depends on the person.

 

It *does* depend on the person, which is why hard-and-fast rules don't make sense.  Expressing what we think is best and why is good, but even with my teens I can't expect them to adopt any particular ethical stance.

 

Rob T

[MrsDan]

I think the mistake you both made is thinking her decisions in the event she is widowed are anybody's business but her own.

[Guest TalksToAngels]

.

[Freelancing]

 

While I completely respect your grief journey for yourself, I don't understand how you can expect another person to follow what you seem to dictate as the family rules.  I don't know where you live or what culture you live within.  Apparently your DIL comes from an Italian Catholic tradition, and perhaps you do as well, but in my view and perhaps in the views of some others, this feels very oppressive.  It feels like others dictate how one grieves.

 

I have had two very different experiences of grieving my late husbands.  I met my second husband when I was 6 months out and was remarried at 18 months out.  I had been married for over 17 years to my first husband.  I am a couple weeks shy of 2 years out from my second husband's death now, a relationship of under 4 years, with just under 3 of those years married.  I have only just recently considered dating.  I say all of this because I think your experience and viewpoints are valuable, but should not be considered the only "correct" way that widows and widowers should grieve.  On the old YWBB, a widow would shame other wids who started dating "early" -  both publicly and privately - and this caused some real anguish for some members. 

 

Sharing stories and viewpoints is important here on this board, but not to the point of judging others for how they grieve and when they choose to renter the world of new relationships.

 

Respectfully,

 

Maureen

 

Let me start out by saying this goes back to the saying: "People do not understand till they have walked in my shoes". There is no indication this was done. I read criticism about me, and that's okay. I can handle it because I know what is important to me. This reminds me of one of my mantras: He who angers you, conquers you.

 

As for the old YWBB, there was never any support for singles nor an exclusive board like this one also. It appears the focus is on the dating, recoupled, remarried -it gives the impression these 3 are the only key to healing/moving on. In the topic, RE: Okay being alone as with old threads from YWBB someone always says "I am happy for those who have found love again". Sadly, I have never read any kind of support like that for singles -not by the dating, recoupled, remarried or those considering any of the three.Sounds like coercion or enabling to me. Most times it was used to appease them. *sigh* because they were and are the dominant group. As I recall, singles were being blasted off the board, obviously not respected for their contribution regardless of its eloquence. Many years ago, there was a *P*ssy Posse* willing, ready and able to chase any single widow off the YWBB as well as date married men who refused to leave their wife. I don't know who they were, but they made an everlasting impression lending credence to widows are crazy, widows will take your husband/boyfriend (Elizabeth Taylor), Harper Valley PTA widow, etc.

I went through the distrust with my neighbors, they judged me before they knew what I was capable of. Just about every time I walked outside, wives were calling their husband indoors or going outside to be with them including times their husband offered his help. Some of us single widows have been subjected to this kind of treatment brought down through history. Ripple affect.

 

Many singles chose to learn from other widow experiences by reading posts by the twice widowed and special circumstances. The one that really put the brakes on was the twice widowed by suicide, another who after 1yr of marriage began taking her new DH to the same hospital and oncologist as the 1st DH and there were more whose 2nd husband died in almost the same circumstance as the first. It was like the universe was talking.

The answer to "why" some decide to date early on can be answered in many ways even without the person's knowledge of a preexisting pattern.  What I uncovered and many others as well was soul deep anger and resentment stemming from alcoholism, drug addiction, abuse, codependency. This may not hold true for everyone, but it is worth looking into for anyone who had any of these issues in their marriage(s). I found enabling and codependency never just goes away, it has to be acknowledged and worked on to gain peace within and to be aware as to not repeat the same behaviors, duplicate the dysfunctional marriage. The saying goes, *It takes two to Tango.*

 

 

All truth passes through three stages: First, it is ridiculed; Second, it is opposed violently; Third, it is accepted as self-evident."  Arthur Schopenhauer

[Freelancing]

I wish you peace and acceptance in  the New Year.

Marian

By Saturday, the day after, everything was resolved. My DIL should not have taken out her hurt and anger on me when it was my son who unsettled her. I can't imagine what she would say or do if anyone of us asked her to use less fennel in the marinara sauce. 

 

Again, it appears I should be the one to change rather than trying to understand my position as a MIL and mother by wearing my shoes. Naturally, no one has to do it same as no one has to wear the shoes of a widow/er. Some do, they come to find it takes patience, tolerance and an open mind to hear all that is being said. Unfortunately, all the information I provided did not factor in. The focus was entirely on an issue that was/is on the mind of those who replied. What this says to me is people want acceptance from others, in order to do so, everyone else has to change. I really really don't see that happening.

 

I was always driven to find healing, I put up quotes that wrenched my gut till I began to like its truth like this one:

'In order to change the world you have to get your head straight."  Jimi Hendrix

 

Acceptance is not the only action a person can take: learning to live it -adjusting, tolerance, acquiescence, forgiveness. It takes quite a bit of time and energy to digest anything a person does not agree with. And if it serves them no purpose, the best responce or course of action would be to do the right thing by acting cordial in public, keeping it to ones self if its not someone of importance you, then move on. The other thing to take into consideration is people who respect themself have boundaries.

I understand the strength of anger, the power of denial; they can allow a person to impulsively go after -get what they want regardless of consequences or its irrationality or the children or anything reasonable. I think denial is okay as a temporary reprieve from grief, but as a lifestyle -no thank you. Throughout the years of grief a person continually changes ranging from -good or bad, content or bitter to waking with whatever they have chosen to be of a value in their future.

If a person chooses to date early on knowing of the bad experiences of other widows; that person is aware of what might come. Blaming/judging people, making others responsible for how s/he feels when not accepted is not a solution to accepting ones choice in the matter.

 

All I can say is one day the fog will clear. Hopefully, you'll be able to look forward and backward with no regrets. And learned how to work out your greatest fears under the most extreme circumstance of all -the loss of a loved one.

 

As for walking the widow's path, I've been there, done that, grief is completed. ;D

Yippee! I'm ready for this new year! Wishing the same for you!

 

 

I'm sure you think I don't understand what you're going through, but I do. Its just that sometimes, our future is dictated by what we are, opposed to what we want."    Nicholas Sparks

 

[Freelancing]

I'm rather taken aback at your alarm; its instinctual for a Mama Bear to react aggressively -going bat shit crazy- when she detects any type of threat to her cub(s) including my granddaughter.

 

Threat?  What threat?

 

"A Mother's Instinct is something no child, husband or any other none mother will ever understand no matter how hard you try to." -author unknown

 

Regardless, if DIL is aware or not how she will feel when its her time to grieve, in my family we nurse our widow/ers for one year and all they have to do is grieve with the family. Its a very simple tradition, one we believe is valuable, respectable and helpful when the time comes. We just don't send our widow/ers adrift unless they want to make a break.  DIL is fully aware it means no dating for one year. Michael would also do the same.

 

So you expect that your daughter-in-law should accept those traditions without question?

 

Personally, I think it would hurt to lose her if that is her choice at the same time not a word to deter her would be spoken.

 

Does "lose her" mean you WOULD be one of those in-laws who would abandon the widowed partner of their child because they didn't act as you expected?

 

Seriously, I don't know what your point was in shouting at me. As I mentioned earlier as well as provided lots of information to garner from, God willingly my son will outlive me! Otherwise, it remains to be seen. No worries!

 

As far as there not being anything magical about the first year, it depends on the person.

 

It *does* depend on the person, which is why hard-and-fast rules don't make sense.  Expressing what we think is best and why is good, but even with my teens I can't expect them to adopt any particular ethical stance.

 

Rob T

My wise old widowed aunts who wear huge big girl panties believe/focus on the mental, emotional and physical well being of the newly widowed. They've experienced widow brain, confusion, helplessness, relentless crying. inability to care for ones self and children, lack of sleep and food, etc. Anyone of us could've chosen not to accept a valuable yet compassionate gift from family. Its not like we're the Stepford Family for chrissakes! ;D

I've read repeatedly from widows who wished the world would stop long enough for them to catch up. My aunts nursing did just that for me. After the first year, if I needed their help, they either came to me or I went to visit them. It was soothing to have them to talk to, to feed me and have me lay down for a nap. I always felt so loved and cared for that I felt like I could conquer anything.

I get the impression you didn't receive this type of care otherwise I don't think you would've supportive and not referred to my family values as hard and fast rules.

As far as being a parent, you have far more abilities than you think. If you can earn respect from your colleagues, you can certainly teach your teens to be respectful of themself and the purposes of the lessons you teach them.

Again, what I have learned from this topic is regardless of the amount of information I provided it was all dismissed in favor of commenting on dating in the first year and targeting me as being in the wrong rather than focusing on how to handle the issue.

What is clear is no one is an IL and/or is not willing or able to see it from the other side, not even for a moment. Maybe it causes too much discomfort, maybe it made some comfront their own truth. Who knows? What I can say is dinner last night with family was the best way to start off the new year!    8)

[Wheelerswife]

As for the old YWBB, there was never any support for singles nor an exclusive board like this one also. It appears the focus is on the dating, recoupled, remarried -it gives the impression these 3 are the only key to healing/moving on. In the topic, RE: Okay being alone as with old threads from YWBB someone always says "I am happy for those who have found love again". Sadly, I have never read any kind of support like that for singles -not by the dating, recoupled, remarried or those considering any of the three.Sounds like coercion or enabling to me. Most times it was used to appease them. *sigh* because they were and are the dominant group. As I recall, singles were being blasted off the board, obviously not respected for their contribution regardless of its eloquence. Many years ago, there was a *P*ssy Posse* willing, ready and able to chase any single widow off the YWBB as well as date married men who refused to leave their wife. I don't know who they were, but they made an everlasting impression lending credence to widows are crazy, widows will take your husband/boyfriend (Elizabeth Taylor), Harper Valley PTA widow, etc.

 

 

 

Many singles chose to learn from other widow experiences by reading posts by the twice widowed and special circumstances. The one that really put the brakes on was the twice widowed by suicide, another who after 1yr of marriage began taking her new DH to the same hospital and oncologist as the 1st DH and there were more whose 2nd husband died in almost the same circumstance as the first. It was like the universe was talking.

The answer to "why" some decide to date early on can be answered in many ways even without the person's knowledge of a preexisting pattern.  What I uncovered and many others as well was soul deep anger and resentment stemming from alcoholism, drug addiction, abuse, codependency. This may not hold true for everyone, but it is worth looking into for anyone who had any of these issues in their marriage(s). I found enabling and codependency never just goes away, it has to be acknowledged and worked on to gain peace within and to be aware as to not repeat the same behaviors, duplicate the dysfunctional marriage. The saying goes, *It takes two to Tango.*

 

Freelancing,

 

YWBB (for those who are newer, a board similar to this one that was started in 2001 and was closed down last spring) was an amazing resource for thousands of people who joined or who just lurked and read of the experiences of others who are young widows.  It had some real strengths and a few weaknesses.  It was a lifeline for many people and the place where the older members here became acquainted.  YWBB, like any human organization, wasn't perfect.  I see no reason for you to bring up issues of that board that aren't relevant to this board.  I said in an earlier post that the experiences of all who join can be valuable.  It seems that you feel that this board isn't giving the heavy handed guidance that you think it should.  I'm going to disagree. 

 

This is a relatively young site and there are some seasoned members who pipe up from time to time, but by and large, the current membership and the board moderators are managing this place just fine.  You seem concerned that there may not be enough support for those who have not recoupled and who don't want to recouple and that is a valid concern.  Someone just recently started a thread on that topic and when the boundaries on that thread were crossed by someone who was a DGI in that area, a member spoke up and asked for respect on that particular thread. 

 

I know for sure that I was a DGI myself in the earlier years of my first experience of widowhood.  I wished that people could find the happiness that I had found, yet I couldn't see into others' experiences that were different.  I was gently and not so gently set straight by some of my widow friends.

 

I've learned that we all have similar, yet different experiences with widowhood.  We all have different needs, resources, and styles of coping.  We all need to be free to grieve in our own ways.  We also need to be free to experiment with what works for us and what doesn't work for us.  We all need to feel as though we can voice what is on our minds.  When I was first on YWBB - late 2009 - the board was less than friendly to wids who were recoupling or wanting to talk about recoupling.  I know that I did not openly talk about connecting with polarbear, my second husband and YWBB member, in our early months.  It didn't feel safe to me.  Perhaps the pendulum took a swing in the other direction.  After that, he board may have seemed less supportive of those who didn't wish to recouple again.  I didn't have the right color glasses to see that perspective.  It may well be true.

 

Still, I don't believe that there is a need for a well-adjusted person who is widowed 9 years to come in here waving red flags and warning of hell, fire, and damnation for people who are young and newly widowed.  We have wise people here who have lost spouses to suicide, addiction, and a host of other health-related and accident related causes.  We have some examples of widows/widowers who are living alone, some who were successful with recoupling, struggles with raising children as only parents, blending families, and second marriages that were abusive and that have failed.  We have liberals and conservatives, heterosexuals and homosexuals, married and non-married partners, all of who have been welcomed.  It is important that everyone finds this a safe place. 

 

I realize that you were hurt by your DIL's words to you.  The problem with your original post is that it was judgmental of your DIL's thought process (and I agree she would probably not have any idea of how she would react to losing her husband) and there may be relatively fresh widows here that have come to the conclusion that they want to date before your designated time schedule...or that they may have developed real and legitimate feelings for someone new in the first year of widowhood.  It is not okay that you say things that undermine their very real experiences that are okay for them.  The reality that some cultures have rituals for grieving is not necessarily relevant to everyone here.  Being judgmental is not acceptable.  Stating a concern, challenging someone to think about a different viewpoint, or telling of your own experience with how you coped...that may be quite valuable. 

 

This sandbox has stayed pretty clean of crap.  Lets keep it that way.

 

Maureen

 

 

 

 

[marian53]

Freelance, are you talking to me? Sorry, Mr. De Niro!

I wish you would as a long time well adjusted widow think before you post. Since you were an ex cop, you know the importamce of words- and I wish you a Very Happy New Year. and please don't attack respected members.

cheers,

Marian

[Freelancing]

I think the mistake you made is thinking her decisions in the event she is widowed are anybody's business but her own.

 

We're family, we have values, we respect ourself, we respect as well as have compassion for one another and that's how we roll. We all have a role in this family and a purpose. Odd thing is, I can't figure out why other families do not care for one another as my family does. What is their purpose as a family or for wanting a family? Do their family traditions consist of merely using the same holiday recipes.Certainly over my head!

When I was widowed, I didn't receive a tiara or throne. I wasn't the only one grieving, I was the one most affected with grief sickness, but it still didn't make me the only one grieving. There were our children including friends and relatives. People came to visit out of love and respect for me and mine. I came to find I had inadvertently earned respect by demonstrating new found strength to pick up the pieces of my shattered life to work on my grief, search for help for my kids, care for them and work on my husband's case. I wasn't able to do more than that. My aunts were instrumental in providing time and assistance for these tasks. I'm all in for making my life easier! Besides, what is one year when there are many more ahead?

We all basically experience the same affects from grief, its our choices and actions that makes the difference. 

 

"There is no such thing as fun for the whole family."  Jerry Seinfeld

 

"The attempt to redefine the family as a purely voluntary arrangement grows out of the modern delusion that people can keep all their options open all the time."  Christopher Lasch

[Freelancing]

Freelance, are you talking to me? Sorry, Mr. De Niro!

I wish you would as a long time well adjusted widow think before you post. Since you were an ex cop, you know the importamce of words- and I wish you a Very Happy New Year. and please don't attack respected members.

cheers,

Marian

 

 

The only one being disrespected with false accusations is me. You could have explained your anger, asked questions or merely closed the page instead of attacking me in such a hostile tone,

[Jess]

Let's please take a step back. All viewpoints and experiences are welcome. Disagreements are a part of open dialogue. However, I have concern over the direction this thread may be heading and would like to see cool heads prevail so we do not go down that road. This board is not YWBB therefore hashing up issues with that board is not productive here. There is no pitting one group against another here. In fact, for me, the spirit of this board is that there is just one group- those who lost the most important person in their life and are searching for a way to live with that. I think we all have enough we are dealing with without looking for additional drama. If you are looking for drama, I suggest you look elsewhere. If you feel like something is lacking from this board that would benefit the members here, please PM a moderator or administrator for consideration.

[momtokam]

 

We're family, we have values, we respect ourself, we respect as well as have compassion for one another and that's how we roll. We all have a role in this family and a purpose. Odd thing is, I can't figure out why other families do not care for one another as my family does. What is their purpose as a family or for wanting a family? Do their family traditions consist of merely using the same holiday recipes.Certainly over my head!

 

Yes, your DIL was completely out of line on sharing her thoughts and views with you. Yes, you had a right to be upset. However, she has a right to choose her own path.

 

I do have an issue with how this thread has evolved. Your tone above insinuates the rest of us don't have family values, or compassion for each other, or that we don't care for one another like YOUR family does. You cannot begin to know about our families, just like we cannot begin to know about yours.

 

You have your views and we each have ours. They are all different. That doesn't mean our families are not as loving or supporting as yours.

 

What makes a community like this helpful for those that come here? We do not grieve the same. We all have different time lines. We all have different experiences.  When we post, we hope we post to help others feel they are not alone. We post to express our feelings and often our frustrations. Maybe a little tidbit will help someone, maybe not. Maybe we will make someone cry or maybe even laugh. But we should not make anyone feel they are not grieving properly. There is no wrong way to grieve.