dating with older kids

[klim]

This post is piggybacking from my other topic....but I ended there saying

"I am often torn between my needs,my NG needs  and my interpretation of my boys needs..."

 

I'm nearly 3 years out. My boys were 15 and 17 when DH passed. They were approaching adulthood...but obviously not there.I stepped up to the plate pretty well (I think.) I was strong....Life goes on. I think we weathered this life event well.

 

I'm struggling with deciding how much of my attention my boys need. They are 18 and 20 now. One lives away during the school year and the other is at home after having some anxiety issues in first year uni.

 

 

They don't  really want to do stuff with me or me and NG. And I know even before DH passed that they were less likely to want to join us on hkes or whatever. I know it's part of growing up.

 

It's complicated by the fact that they are reaching towards independance at the same time as I am starting a new relationship...so I have difficulty telling whether their pulling away is situational or normal.

 

 

Anyways don't know whether this should have been in the parenting section or here but any stories about children transitioning to adulthood through the turmoil that is associated with death and new relationships

[Portside]

. . . . but any stories about children transitioning to adulthood through the turmoil that is associated with death and new relationships

 

My sons were 26, 24, 10 and 9 when their mother passed away. The older two really had no issues (other than the normal grief) surrounding her death. One was busy with college and the other was just beginning his work life at that time. My youngest two though were affected far greater. Possibly as they were still in the home when my late wife died while my older two were out of the house pretty much. They needed the things only a mother could offer.

 

Both of my younger sons clung to me, in their own way, while in middle and high school more tightly than the older boys did. I remarried two years after I was widowed. My new wife happily jumped into this young family with the idea (her's not mine), that she would do all she could to parent the boys along with me. Luckily, the younger boys were thrilled when I was started dating and with the exclusive relationship I formed with my now wife. R completely took over as 'Mom' once she came on board with all that that means. The boys wanted her to. She helped me transition them from bumbling adolescents into strong, confident and happy young men. It helped that the boys also accepted her as 'Mom' almost immediately while still respecting the memory of their mother. R did not try to replace T and worked to keep her memory alive but the boys really didn't want that. I believe the memory of their natural mother was too painful. It might always be.

 

For those two, R was there for all the normal passages a young man goes through on his way to adulthood; Confirmation, sporting events, first dance, proms, teacher conferences, learning to drive, HS graduation, etc. We all were involved in the boys' life decisions such as choosing a college or, in my youngest's case, his decision to enlist into the Navy.

 

I think a man and a woman bring different viewpoints on a host of issues when parenting and, in a perfect world, a child will benefit greatly when he listens to both bodies of advice.

 

I had it easy - my needs, my wife's needs and my kid's needs all lined up pretty well without much friction. When there was a conflict, my wife and I decided what was the best option for the family and we then worked to put the decision into play. Of course there were the occasional disagreements between the four of us, but my wife and I took great pains to put forth a united front, especially when we disagreed. We didn't want it to be any harder than it was already for the boys.

 

Things seem to have turned out reasonably well for them - Thank God they are now very independent - Jake's living on his own and doing well in college. Josh graduated towards the top of his Navy training schools, bought a car with very little advice from Dad, and has driven completely across the US to his new duty stations a few times alone. The Navy trusts him (at 20 yrs old) with millions of $$ of equipment to operate and protect his shipmates.

 

At the time of my late wife's death, one of my dear friends told the boys "this is the worst thing in the world that can happen to you. Compared to this, the rest of your life will be easy. Don't be afraid." Whether or not that is true, the boys believed it and with very little help from me and R, have boldly stepped into their adult lives.

 

Every family is unique, of course, but this is how we played it. It seems to be working out so far.

 

Good luck and happy new year!

 

Mike

 

 

[anniegirl]

My step-daughters were 22 and 24 when my husband (widowed too) and I married.

 

They pretty much went on with life as young adults. Occasionally needing Dad or both Dad and I but mostly setting about the perfectly normal work of building their own lives.

 

Our oldest has never really joined in on family trips or activities unless the occasion was special but according to my husband, she was a like that before - very independent.

 

The younger one still sometimes stays overnight or goes on trips with us though now that she's practically married that doesn't happen often.

 

As long as your sons know that you are there when needed and that they are always welcome, I don't think you should stress yourself overmuch.

 

 

[Bear Tomás]

My youngest was 18 when I seriously considered dating again. It would not have been possible for me to date six years earlier when we lost her mom. I have respect for those who have the time and energy for multi-tasking. All kids a different but 18 and 20 seem old enough to not need constant attention.