Anniversary Tips?

[stolendance]

Its funny my widow experience has become a crumbling castle as the months go on...

 

My husband and I were together 11 years... married 7. He was my first everything, my world and my best friend. Moved out of my parents house my wedding night, taught me how to clean, cook...He was my hero! I am now running his business that he was very successful at but he always included me in! He was my world, my hero and my best friend.

 

I watched him die twice.... Cardiac arrest because of medical complications. They pronounced him dead the first time.. but some how revived him after 15 minutes... then I had to make the choice for his future because the brain damage was soo bad.

 

Today is the 3 month anniversary of his second/'real' death and its getting harder each time. Its funny who doesn't care or remember anymore...I mean some people cared soo much to be friends with the husband when alive, to pulled away when he passed, to barely cared when the funeral and media were done their thing, to now 3 months.. very few care or even remember the anniversary... I hope its because they just can't relate or understand but it hurts.

 

Any tips on how to cope with the anniversaires? Month 1 was actually easiest... Probably the widows fog. Month 3 the worst. I think month 4 I will hide.

 

[Lisa]

I'm so very sorry for your loss. I remember 3, 6 and 9 being touch. Then the lead up to the year. For me, the date held a lot of energy for a long time. My family couldn't be bothered to remember even though I asked them to. I had a friend who did though and I really appreciated her. That helped with the hurt. For me it helped to acknowledge the day in a small way at the start of the day. Lighting a candle, going to church or the beach, somewhere we liked together. Sometimes I just needed to sleep the day away.

Best of luck to you. You're right. The fog made things easier in the beginning. We are here for you.

[donswife]

I am so sorry for your loss 

The anniversaries are tough and the furthur out the dates get the less people seem to remember

You do whatever feels right for you

Just to get up and get through the days ahead is an accomplishment, so please know that much

For me when these days would be tough I would take our dog for a long walk in the woods

so I could take a deep breath and not have to deal

Be gentle with yourself

Take care

[Guaruj]

My anniversary came 9 months after Catherine died. I took that day off from work. The first thing I did that day was to visit her grave, which was the first thing I did nearly every day during the my first year out. I believe I also left her flowers. I then had lunch with my mother-in-law, who was widowed in 2009. For dinner, I ordered the dish she often ate when I got take-out from a local restaurant. I wasn't super-busy that day, but I thought of her with everything I did.

 

I hope you find a way to enjoy your husband's memory on your anniversary.

[lcoxwell]

Early on, I remember counting every single month and thinking about how 1 month ago, 2 months ago, 3 months ago, etc. at this time, my Kenneth was doing (name of activity or explanation of conversation). It was torturous! As Lisa said, some months were harder than others, and months 3, 6, 9, and 12 seemed to be truly horrible. I am now quickly approaching two years, and I no longer count down every single month.

 

While it may not seem like it now, a time will come when things will get a little easier. In the meantime, remember to take care of yourself and to allow yourself a little space to lean into the grief, if you need to. Everyone faces the anniversaries in their own way. For some, that means planning as many activities as possible to keep their minds off of it. For others, that means taking it easy and placing fewer demands on themselves for the day (even spending the day in bed, if necessary). Only you can truly know what works best for you.

 

The one thing I do know, is that you should have a plan for how to handle the situation, if the tears should start flowing. I also know that you need to make sure you eat, if you can. Drink plenty of water. Sleep and exercise, if at all possible. If all else fails, just remember to breathe.

[Jen]

The counting in and of itself is painful, but you can't seem to stop yourself doing it. (For example, today makes 21 months and 11 days for me... gah.) All I can say is... just try to get from one breath to the next. Some sadiversaries are easier than others, which seems unfair and unkind. Keep talking. We're here.

[skytrancegirl]

my 1st month of anniversary of my husbands death happens to fall on valentines day. talk about a double whammy! Justin never cared for V day but he knew how much it meant to me and loved to see me laugh and smile. So he always made sure to share that day with me and make it special. I put on the necklace that he got me last year for v-day. All of my friends and family are very aware of this weekend, and I have tons of plans, But I am going to make sure to set aside some quite time in the morning. Justin loved lottery tickets so i am going to buy a few of the cupids cash ones and scratch them off! For how well I'll handle the day that will remain to be seen.

[lcoxwell]

While I have found that everyone is different, what has worked for me (in the nearly two years, since my Kenneth died) has been to generally take a quiet moment alone on the anniversaries. The quiet moment allows me time to reflect on memories, to cry if I need to, or to just remember a few of the good times with him. He was always a private person, anyway, so it just seemed fitting. In the early days, I also took time on the anniversaries to log in to YWBB (an earlier site that many of us here started out on) to read and to post. It helped me to work through many of the emotions I was feeling and the experiences of others allowed me to develop coping skills to help me manage when the hard grieving came crashing down on my head, which was often more likely to occur on the anniversaries.