How Do I Handle This?

[kjs1989]

I went to the cemetery today to remove the Christmas flowers from the vase attached to D's headstone ( I had placed them in early December) and put some red and white Valentine motif roses in their place. I noticed my Christmas flowers had been removed at some point and replaced with other Christmas flowers matching the flowers at my husband's parents' headstone which is next to his. ( The flowers I had placed for them had also been removed) This is not the first time this has happened. My summer flowers were replaced with fall flowers at some point in late August. The only person who could possibly be doing this is my SIL ( husband's brother's wife) We basically no longer have a relationship because of various behaviors on BIL's part related to duplicity, gossiping, and backstabbing which arose while the estate and my personal business matters were being settled. At one point I confronted my BIL about his actions hoping we could get past it, regain trust, and simply move forward. All that served was to make them angry at me ( mostly SIL, and BIL  pretty much went along) and they cut me off completely. They still contact my kids but ignore me. So, I am not sure how to handle this. I paid for and designed the headstone. This is my husband of 23 years and I think I should be the one to decorate his grave. I wouldn't even mind if she added some  additonal flowers to the vase, but I am so upset that she would remove my  flowers. What do I do? Just let it go?  Maybe on the surface it seems petty, but it makes me so angry and sad. On the rare occasion I have a specific reason to text them or email them, they ignore me.

 

Has this happend to anyone else??

[Guaruj]

At one point I confronted my BIL about his actions hoping we could get past it, regain trust, and simply move forward. All that served was to make them angry at me ( mostly SIL, and BIL  pretty much went along) and they cut me off completely. They still contact my kids but ignore me. So, I am not sure how to handle this

 

You could call your your brother-in-law (bypassing his wife, if possible) and tell him there is a problem with his brother's grave. Ask him if he has noticed flowers disappearing from there. You have noticed that someone (though you have "no idea" who) has been stealing the flowers that you placed for your husband. This is very disrespectful to the memory of his brother (don't mention your own hurt feelings) and you have asked the cemetery's groundskeepers to be alert to this activity. After all, who knows if this is the only grave affected. Tell him that this activity is theft and desecration, so you might also need to get the police involved.

 

I wouldn't even mind if she added some  additonal flowers to the vase, but I am so upset that she would remove my  flowers.

 

I don't blame you. Whoever is doing this is a piece of shit (regardless of their reasons).  They wouldn't tolerate it from other people and they would be unlikely to do it if they knew someone else was watching.

 

What do I do? Just let it go?

 

No. Tell your brother that somebody's messing with his brother's grave and you've alerted the authorities. Get other family members involved. They should be just as angry.

 

Has this happend to anyone else??

 

Not to me, thankfully. My parents were frustrated with someone swiping flowers from my grandparents grave, which was hundreds of miles away from where they live.

 

Good luck in addressing this.

[Trying]

That's a tough one.  Since you are not on speaking terms it can't just come up in conversation.  I suppose you could bring it up as a general concern about flowers disappearing from your DHs grave and his parents but I think he will see through it as an accusation and based on his response to previous issues you brought up, it probably won't accomplish much.  I can only imagine how hurtful this is to you.

 

I have to make a confession. My husband only has a plot because in his final days he thought his mother might need a place to visit (she does not know that this wasn't always our plan) but I payed for it and she refused to help pick out the stone.  She does visit offen and leaves things, lots of things.  I don't find a lot of comfort there and don't go often but early on I wanted to go when I was really hurting and seeing all of the silly momentoes she left, which would've driven him crazy, I took a few of them and threw them away.  Not a proud moment.  The cemetery does occasionally clean up because you aren't supposed to do that so I'm not sure if she thought that's what happened, she never mentioned it.  It's all been replaced and now I really don't go there because I find all of the trinkets to be too distracting. 

[kjs1989]

Thanks Guaruja, That is actually a good way to handle it. I am not a very assertive person at all, and the few times in my life I really felt like I absolutely needed to be to effect change and take care of myself, it seems like I didn't handle it very well and my emotions got the better of me.  I don't want that to happen this time. I don't want confrontation again where I can't win. But, I don't want them to win this one, either.

 

Unfortunately, there really is no other family except D's cousins, and they don't live in this area. I am on good terms with them, though. It truly is a shame we can't resolve our issues, but I don't foresee it happening in the near future if ever. I have tried. Pride is in the way I'm afraid.

[kjs1989]

Trying, ha. I get that. I would clean up "junk" left on my husband's grave also. I have seen that at cemeteries and I don't get it. No doubt the trinkets have meaning to your MIL.

 

And I don't find that much comfort at D's grave either. I don't really see him as being "there." But, about four times a year I make the 20 mile drive to look at the beautiful free form granite headstone engraved with a duck in flight over a marsh. It is perfect for him, I must say. And the last two times I have been there to see someone has taken it upon themselves to  completely "redecorate" bugs the crap out of me.