kjs1989

I am so sorry, Jenn.

Icoxwell, thank you for posting again. I have thought of you often since your last post where you talked about the loss of your grandson. I am so very sorry. I understand absolutely the feeling that your husband might have been able to help your daughter through her grief. I'm sure you also must feel very helpless being far from her. He is beautiful.❤

Wow, congrats! Great pic.

What I would not give to have had D another 10, 15, 20, years and beyond. You HOPE to grow old together! To see your children grow, marry, and have children of their own. And if you do not have children, you hope to grow old sharing life's adventures good, bad, or otherwise with your companion and life love. Abitlost, I am so sorry your friends were utter DGIs, because they certainly were! And sudnlysngl, you were kicked put of a grief group? Wow. That is crazy. So...say there was a grief group of younger widows. Can you imagine kicking out an 80 year old widowed woman because she didn't "fit in?" I would hope the group would have much more empathy and kindness than to even think of it. So much for "with age comes wisdom."

Five months before the accident. Miss him beyond measure. 😍

Yep, I get this. We don't need added complications with our grief. I never received my husband's wedding ring after the boat accident. Multiple contacts with the officials on the scene and also contact with the coroner and funeral home got me nowhere. He always had his ring on, but it was gone. So no ring on his finger at the funeral. WTF. I was also initially denied a very large life insurance payout . The denial letter stated it was because it wasn't a "natural" death. My attorney said that was typical, as these companies often hope the bereaved will take the denial at face value and go away. Well, I didn't. He wrote them a terse letter and I got my money.

https://www.desmoinesregister.com/story/opinion/columnists/rekha-basu/2018/04/05/iowa-family-tragedy-daughter-heroin-death-wife-car-crash-kock/485309002/ I remember reading about the loss of this couple's daughter a year ago. Now, one year to the month he loses his wife.

My daughter is a junior psychology major at a state university. Her dad was killed in a boat crash that for all intents and purposes should never have happened had normal safety precautions been taken by the boat driver that morning. Five years later we are still grasping at the fact that he really gone. Still shocking and surreal that this is our lives, even though we are moving forward. With that being said, Ef the psychology professor who counted her answer wrong to this question: "In the event of an unexpected death, the family's initial state of shock may subside over time, but never completely goes away." My daughter marked the answer as "True." It was counted wrong. Once again, Ef it to all those DGIs that want to define our grief for us!

Wow! So happy for you!

Wow, JG, sounds like you did everything right. It is hard to know what his issues were. I went through something similar several years ago. We got together a few times and then he blew me off. I had the start of a pretty good crush going, too. Turned out he was seeing someone else. Thankfully, I didn't have much invested except my pride. Of course, he eventually contacted me again months later, as these types always do. By then I was seeing someone else, and even if I hadn't been I would have said no thanks...lose my number, please. I guess the only thing I can offer is to reflect back on any red flags. I think they are always there if you really examine the situation in hindsight. You said he shared so much early on. Hmm...flag #1? You said he constantly texted, but you enjoyed the attention. Hmmm...constant texting....flag #2? He was very affectionate in his texting with emoticons, and perhaps words, too? Humor and banter in texting is one thing early on and is great fun, but when it gets sort of over the top kissy kissy....Hmmm....flag #3? I don't know. It is tough and makes us all feel like we are back in high school and college, except we would sit and stare at the phone on the wall or the desk rather than the one in our hand. Ugh. It sucks. All I can say is, everyone I know has been there with the online thing. And most that I know eventually did meet someone special. I managed to meet someone after trial and error and lots of angst. It is doable with an open mind, sense of humor ( as you mentioned) and caution to our heart and safety. Hang in there!!!

I want to add a thought to what I wrote above. I questoned what your NG's reaction would be if you were a divorcee in constant communication with your ex. Well, you are not, but you ARE a widow who lost the love of your life. So, what if you propped up your husband's picture between the two of you as you were driving down the road on the way to a romantic date. What if you propped up his picture between you on the sofa every time you sat down together to talk, What if your husband's picture peered at the two of you from the bedroom wall every time you had a romantic encounter. I think NG would be justified in protesting a bit. So, yeah, go ahead and draw that line, respectfully and kindly, of course. Good luck!

Ugh, CW, So tough. For the almost five years we have been together, NG's ex has been a real loose cannon; just have never known what was going to set her off and when. NG has only very rarely engaged with her first, and most often just ignored her texts. They rarely, rarely have talked on the phone, thankfully. The themes of her rants usually involved insulting his parenting ability. And yes, usually she would light up his phone when we were traveling or doing something fun. She always seemed to know. Occasionally, she would even stoop so low as to insult me, whom she has never met. Once she told him in a text that I was just looking for a replacement for my dead husband, which is why he drinks coffee now and goes fishing. ( WHAT??) Yeah, she's a peach. As I stated, he rarely throughout our relationship has engaged with her unless absolutely necessary or if she pushed him over the edge. In fact, I have often been left wondering how much contact they had because he never mentioned communicating with her unless I specifically asked, which I guess was good on his part but always left me feeling a bit curious and left out. ( Weird, I know) Her latest insult to his parenting was back in September. It was so over the top that he texted a rare comeback that seemingly put her in her place and left her speechless. He has not heard a word from her since. And really, since his daughter is 23 and his son 16, there is actually no reason they should have to have the typical back and forth texting over parenting. To address what is happening in your situation, yes, that constant back and forth bickering on my time would make me absolutely nuts. As others have said, this does infect your growing relationship with him and it is not healthy for your son, either. And also as others have said, it makes one wonder what he is getting out of these hostile exchanges. You are 50% of this relationship. Semantics or whatever, you have the absolute right to draw a line, respectfully of course, in what works for you and what you need and want in a relationship. It is not fair to you, bottom line. As you said, emergencies and necessary communication is one thing, but constant interruptions, disruptions, and distractions, are not cool, and even much less so when these interactions are hostile. It is probably time to have a heart to heart on where you both are with this issue. I can't imagine he would be ok with the situation if it was reversed and you were the divorcee constantly bickering with your ex on HIS time.

I am so very sorry.

Crystal, PLEASE, forgive yourself. It has been five years for me. I met someone within a few months of my husband's accident. I was in the deep throes of grief. Thinking back, I don't know what the hell I was thinking, really. I do remember thinking I was dying myself. I truly, truly felt I was dying myself because my grief was so profound and unmanageable. There was a Saturday night I remember where I collapsed in a withering, bawling heap on the living room floor. I was hysterical and I felt like the walls were closing in on me. My 17 year old son called my sister while my 15 year old daughter called several of D and my couple friends to come to the house immediately. It was about six weeks or so after D died. Up to that point, I had been doing everything a grieving widow and mom is supposed to do. I was meeting with a grief counselor. I had seen a doctor to keep tabs on my health and started some meds for anxiety. I was also trying to be mindful of what my kids needed and striving to maintain a bit of normal for them, cooking meals, going to their activites. My friends were there for me, but truth be told, it was at the point where even my most ardent supporters were returning to their own lives and the writing was suddenly on the wall that I was alone. My kids were becoming more and more independent with college on the horizon. It was a sudden reality check that I was unfathomably alone. The emptiness overwhelmed me and I had a true breakdown. I was completely nonfuctional for about a week after that. At that point I knew I could only be there fully for my kids if I made a life of my own. I needed to survive and figure out what would make life worth living for me. All of my friends were married. My family lived states away. I only knew being married for 23 years. Truth be told, I wanted a friend and a companion. So, I decided I would try to meet someone. I was very careful, and I was also a bit lucky. I did meet someone within a few months and it turned out to be what I needed. I was still very much grieving, and no doubt running from my grief, but he was ok with that. He didn't push me at all. My kids saw me getting out a bit and recognized that I was a better mom because of it. I am sure friends worried about me and some people no doubt judged me. In hindsight I sort of judge myself, but I also realize it was what I needed and fortunately I was clear thinking enough to keep my wits about me and not be taken advantage of. Bottom line, we do what we have to do to survive, to get through this unspeakable loss the only we know how at the time. The way we do that is different for each of us, and sadly sometimes even we widows judge each other as I have found out on this board from time to time. We just have to do the best we can and try to make the most conscientious decisions we can for ourselves and our kids. Sometimes we get it right and sometimes we make mistakes; we pick ouselves up and move forward.

"Non-linear and strange." That is perfect phrasing for sure, Rob.

Ef it that D was a notorious loaner...money, tools, household items. And ef it twice-fold to the friends and acquaintances who borrowed these items and never returned them after he died. Most of these things I have given up on locating and finally bought replacements. The missing item list includes a pressure washer, a leaf blower, an extension ladder, a step ladder, a power drill, four folding chairs, a folding banquet table, and lastly, a snow blower. I finally went out and bought a new one so I don't have to pay someone to come do it every time we get a spit of snow. Hope people are putting our stuff to good use!

Wow, yep. The pain in the ass bitter ex. New Guy has one, too. He had been divorced for six years when we met, but she was still inserting herself into his life on a daily basis, calling him a rotten dad (he's not, believe me) and throwing barbs at me over my widowed status (really?) on a regular basis. I have never engaged her, and have always been stellar with his kids and completely undemanding of his schedule when it comes to his kids so as not to give her any ammo ever. Something must have finally clicked that it wasn't working, because literally the last contact she made with him was when she lashed out at him for being a lousy dad once again back in September, and he made a rare counter reply that his 15 year old son wanted to spend the whole summer with him to get away from her. He told her to get off her pedestal once and for all. OUCH! He has usually taken her verbal abuse and just ignored her so as not to fuel the fire. This rare approach seemed to have worked this time, though, as there has been absolute SILENCE on her end since mid September....AND WE LIKE IT!!

KK, Haaa. Thanks for making me laugh today. Yep, that's exactly what online dating is like. It's so hard.

I say reach out to her honestly. Acknowledge that you were a putz. Just don't be like..."Hey, Babe...remember me?" If you reconnect, take it really slow, but in a thoughtful conscientious way. She will not want to be burned twice. I have found that a couple of the people I dated early on were not a love match, but they have made for excellent friends. It's worth a try.

D and I actually talked about this very topic. Because we owned a growing and complex business, it was more about what I would do if he died. I said I would have to sell the business and move because I couldn't handle the business on my own, and I would want to leave the area as there would be nothing for me here. I would want to be in the area where I lived during my 20s. I still have the business. After a year and a half of many tears and angst over finding competent, trustworthy, and non-ego driven management, my husband's friend who lives a state away and owns the same type of business offered his help. Thank God. He actually came in and did an undercover boss type gig to assess the issues and employee conflicts firsthand. I ended up hiring him to oversee the company and he cleaned house and hired new management. Five years later we are in a very good place and he still oversees general operations. I am so grateful. D would be very proud and happy of where the company is today. I never imagined I would still be here carrying on his legacy five years later.

Congrats! I can't imagine how hard it was living with your parents. My parents are gone; my dad died three years ago and my mom one year ago this month. I loved them beyond measure, but it was evident in just occasional weekends with them that the same dynamic that existed when I was in high school and college was still there to a certain extent! Not good for any length of time. Wishing you the best. It sounds like this is a good step for sure.

How great to have coffee named after him. That is perfect. Again, I can relate to the hypocrisy you mentioned. I have had that going on, too. Accusing me of lack of communication but then not returning my calls for days. And the passive aggressive behavior was so over the top that even my attorney (ultra professional at all times and never disparages anyone) noticed and mentioned it. Helps to vent. Hang in there!

KK, The more I have thought about your post the more it has taken me back to my own situation with D's brother and wife. His parents have been gone for many years so I don't have that to deal with, but I often wonder if my situation would be even worse because D's mother was very "blood-centric" so to speak when it came to family. It was often apparent in the subtle things she would say that daughter-in-laws really weren't "family." That attitude trickled down a bit to D's brother, who told a mutual friend that since I wasn't a (married name) I should not have the family business in my hands.( D bought him out many years ago so he could pursue other career goals) So, having said that, I have to wonder what he thinks that makes his own wife? Anyway, so many things have gone down I could write a book. After the funeral and the memorial funds were in the bank in a special account, I took a considerable amount of time talking to foundations, conservation groups, and his alma mater trying to figure out the best course of action for two scholarships. After some time, BIL told me people were talking that I was not using the memorial funds as intended. I found out through a friend that HE was the one spreading that rumor. Oh, I could go on. Just tip of the iceberg. I found the best way to handle the crap was to counter their gossip by being beyond reproach, honoring D to the best of my ability and including my kids in the process. When the scholarships were eventually established a press release was issued and I KNOW they saw it. I think what you mentioned about finding a way to honor your husband yourself is the best way to go. Is there any way you can establish some sort of memorial or small scholarship yourself? It doesnt have to be a huge thing. Maybe friends will help you. It would give you back a sense of autonomy and control.

KrypticKat, Brutal. I get it. But yep, I think the best course of action is to let it go. The university merely used your in-laws' memorial statement I am sure. That is how it worked for me when I set up an entrepreneurial scholarship in D's name through his alma mater. As far as confronting the inlaws, probably best to let that go, too. I speak from personal experience of being slighted, gossiped about, and undermined again and again by D's brother and wife who were seemingly there for me in the beginning, until I lost trust in them having my best interest through all of their "helpfulness," At first I reacted to their undercutting emotionally and in all out anger. In hindsight, that just made them up their game and hurtful behavior. It has been really, really hard to not want to lash out when the occasional subtle transgression still occurs, but I have learned to just let it go and vent to my best friend who gets it because she knows them. Works for me and allows me the strength to leave the kids out of it. Certainly crap we don't need. Ugh.

Interesting thread! Wow, many things I did, or didn't do in some cases, annoyed my husband. Where to begin? I took life too seriously. I micromanaged the kids. I would forget to wave at the neighbors. I spent too much money on shoes. I loved staying home instead of socializing. I would read instead of talking to him when we road tripped, or just read too much in general. I snored ( he claimed). I sweated the small stuff. I didn't enjoy fishing much. I didn't enjoy scuba diving much. I sucked at snow skiing. I was a germ phobe. I didn't like playing cards. I didn't like going to church. I could on...but like Captain's Wife said, can we reverse this question next? Haa.