kjs1989

I am so sorry, Jenn.

Icoxwell, thank you for posting again. I have thought of you often since your last post where you talked about the loss of your grandson. I am so very sorry. I understand absolutely the feeling that your husband might have been able to help your daughter through her grief. I'm sure you also must feel very helpless being far from her. He is beautiful.❤

Wow, congrats! Great pic.

What I would not give to have had D another 10, 15, 20, years and beyond. You HOPE to grow old together! To see your children grow, marry, and have children of their own. And if you do not have children, you hope to grow old sharing life's adventures good, bad, or otherwise with your companion and life love. Abitlost, I am so sorry your friends were utter DGIs, because they certainly were! And sudnlysngl, you were kicked put of a grief group? Wow. That is crazy. So...say there was a grief group of younger widows. Can you imagine kicking out an 80 year old widowed woman because she didn't "fit in?" I would hope the group would have much more empathy and kindness than to even think of it. So much for "with age comes wisdom."

Five months before the accident. Miss him beyond measure. 😍

Yep, I get this. We don't need added complications with our grief. I never received my husband's wedding ring after the boat accident. Multiple contacts with the officials on the scene and also contact with the coroner and funeral home got me nowhere. He always had his ring on, but it was gone. So no ring on his finger at the funeral. WTF. I was also initially denied a very large life insurance payout . The denial letter stated it was because it wasn't a "natural" death. My attorney said that was typical, as these companies often hope the bereaved will take the denial at face value and go away. Well, I didn't. He wrote them a terse letter and I got my money.

https://www.desmoinesregister.com/story/opinion/columnists/rekha-basu/2018/04/05/iowa-family-tragedy-daughter-heroin-death-wife-car-crash-kock/485309002/ I remember reading about the loss of this couple's daughter a year ago. Now, one year to the month he loses his wife.

My daughter is a junior psychology major at a state university. Her dad was killed in a boat crash that for all intents and purposes should never have happened had normal safety precautions been taken by the boat driver that morning. Five years later we are still grasping at the fact that he really gone. Still shocking and surreal that this is our lives, even though we are moving forward. With that being said, Ef the psychology professor who counted her answer wrong to this question: "In the event of an unexpected death, the family's initial state of shock may subside over time, but never completely goes away." My daughter marked the answer as "True." It was counted wrong. Once again, Ef it to all those DGIs that want to define our grief for us!

Wow! So happy for you!

Wow, JG, sounds like you did everything right. It is hard to know what his issues were. I went through something similar several years ago. We got together a few times and then he blew me off. I had the start of a pretty good crush going, too. Turned out he was seeing someone else. Thankfully, I didn't have much invested except my pride. Of course, he eventually contacted me again months later, as these types always do. By then I was seeing someone else, and even if I hadn't been I would have said no thanks...lose my number, please. I guess the only thing I can offer is to reflect back on any red flags. I think they are always there if you really examine the situation in hindsight. You said he shared so much early on. Hmm...flag #1? You said he constantly texted, but you enjoyed the attention. Hmmm...constant texting....flag #2? He was very affectionate in his texting with emoticons, and perhaps words, too? Humor and banter in texting is one thing early on and is great fun, but when it gets sort of over the top kissy kissy....Hmmm....flag #3? I don't know. It is tough and makes us all feel like we are back in high school and college, except we would sit and stare at the phone on the wall or the desk rather than the one in our hand. Ugh. It sucks. All I can say is, everyone I know has been there with the online thing. And most that I know eventually did meet someone special. I managed to meet someone after trial and error and lots of angst. It is doable with an open mind, sense of humor ( as you mentioned) and caution to our heart and safety. Hang in there!!!

I want to add a thought to what I wrote above. I questoned what your NG's reaction would be if you were a divorcee in constant communication with your ex. Well, you are not, but you ARE a widow who lost the love of your life. So, what if you propped up your husband's picture between the two of you as you were driving down the road on the way to a romantic date. What if you propped up his picture between you on the sofa every time you sat down together to talk, What if your husband's picture peered at the two of you from the bedroom wall every time you had a romantic encounter. I think NG would be justified in protesting a bit. So, yeah, go ahead and draw that line, respectfully and kindly, of course. Good luck!

Ugh, CW, So tough. For the almost five years we have been together, NG's ex has been a real loose cannon; just have never known what was going to set her off and when. NG has only very rarely engaged with her first, and most often just ignored her texts. They rarely, rarely have talked on the phone, thankfully. The themes of her rants usually involved insulting his parenting ability. And yes, usually she would light up his phone when we were traveling or doing something fun. She always seemed to know. Occasionally, she would even stoop so low as to insult me, whom she has never met. Once she told him in a text that I was just looking for a replacement for my dead husband, which is why he drinks coffee now and goes fishing. ( WHAT??) Yeah, she's a peach. As I stated, he rarely throughout our relationship has engaged with her unless absolutely necessary or if she pushed him over the edge. In fact, I have often been left wondering how much contact they had because he never mentioned communicating with her unless I specifically asked, which I guess was good on his part but always left me feeling a bit curious and left out. ( Weird, I know) Her latest insult to his parenting was back in September. It was so over the top that he texted a rare comeback that seemingly put her in her place and left her speechless. He has not heard a word from her since. And really, since his daughter is 23 and his son 16, there is actually no reason they should have to have the typical back and forth texting over parenting. To address what is happening in your situation, yes, that constant back and forth bickering on my time would make me absolutely nuts. As others have said, this does infect your growing relationship with him and it is not healthy for your son, either. And also as others have said, it makes one wonder what he is getting out of these hostile exchanges. You are 50% of this relationship. Semantics or whatever, you have the absolute right to draw a line, respectfully of course, in what works for you and what you need and want in a relationship. It is not fair to you, bottom line. As you said, emergencies and necessary communication is one thing, but constant interruptions, disruptions, and distractions, are not cool, and even much less so when these interactions are hostile. It is probably time to have a heart to heart on where you both are with this issue. I can't imagine he would be ok with the situation if it was reversed and you were the divorcee constantly bickering with your ex on HIS time.

I am so very sorry.

Crystal, PLEASE, forgive yourself. It has been five years for me. I met someone within a few months of my husband's accident. I was in the deep throes of grief. Thinking back, I don't know what the hell I was thinking, really. I do remember thinking I was dying myself. I truly, truly felt I was dying myself because my grief was so profound and unmanageable. There was a Saturday night I remember where I collapsed in a withering, bawling heap on the living room floor. I was hysterical and I felt like the walls were closing in on me. My 17 year old son called my sister while my 15 year old daughter called several of D and my couple friends to come to the house immediately. It was about six weeks or so after D died. Up to that point, I had been doing everything a grieving widow and mom is supposed to do. I was meeting with a grief counselor. I had seen a doctor to keep tabs on my health and started some meds for anxiety. I was also trying to be mindful of what my kids needed and striving to maintain a bit of normal for them, cooking meals, going to their activites. My friends were there for me, but truth be told, it was at the point where even my most ardent supporters were returning to their own lives and the writing was suddenly on the wall that I was alone. My kids were becoming more and more independent with college on the horizon. It was a sudden reality check that I was unfathomably alone. The emptiness overwhelmed me and I had a true breakdown. I was completely nonfuctional for about a week after that. At that point I knew I could only be there fully for my kids if I made a life of my own. I needed to survive and figure out what would make life worth living for me. All of my friends were married. My family lived states away. I only knew being married for 23 years. Truth be told, I wanted a friend and a companion. So, I decided I would try to meet someone. I was very careful, and I was also a bit lucky. I did meet someone within a few months and it turned out to be what I needed. I was still very much grieving, and no doubt running from my grief, but he was ok with that. He didn't push me at all. My kids saw me getting out a bit and recognized that I was a better mom because of it. I am sure friends worried about me and some people no doubt judged me. In hindsight I sort of judge myself, but I also realize it was what I needed and fortunately I was clear thinking enough to keep my wits about me and not be taken advantage of. Bottom line, we do what we have to do to survive, to get through this unspeakable loss the only we know how at the time. The way we do that is different for each of us, and sadly sometimes even we widows judge each other as I have found out on this board from time to time. We just have to do the best we can and try to make the most conscientious decisions we can for ourselves and our kids. Sometimes we get it right and sometimes we make mistakes; we pick ouselves up and move forward.

"Non-linear and strange." That is perfect phrasing for sure, Rob.